[4roses]

Hobo after reading your post and the replies .... it lays close to my heart.

Short story ~ The last man I was engaged to was also a trucker, as a matter of fact we drove team ( he's now in heaven ). But before he crossed over he had told me of a 'son' he once had. Because of the bad blood between him and the mother - he broke off all ties. Also thinking it would be best for the Son ~ he didn't get to watch him grow up and enjoy his youth. I encouraged Ken to try and contact his Son, just to let him know where he was so if he wanted to talk or get to know him. Ken refused. .... The day of his funeral ~ his Son showed up to say "hello and goodbye", the young Man weeped buckets of tears ... when Ken's Son walked into the room everyone's mouth dropped to the floor. He looks so much like Ken, it was amazing. This young Man wanted all his life to meet his Father and get to know him. He didn't need to know all the trouble why his parents broke up and mess between them. He only needed to Know that his Father Loved Him ... Ken's Son placed an Award that he had gotten in school in his casket, so Ken would have a part of his Son forever. ....

The reason I tell you this ..... is because of the children ! They don't need to know of the bad words exchanged between their parents, or who's fault it was - - if any - - - why they couldn't make it as a family. It's not about pointing fingers ... That's not of great importance to them ............ They just want to know Their Loved. Start a new relationship with your Daughter .... Yes you can send a 'private message' to your daughter on facebook and don't have to be accepted as a 'friend' first. ................. Write her a short letter - without blaming anyone - and let her know how to contact you. When she is ready ~ she will respond to you. Remember one thing hobo .... No One .... has all the answers, and she just needs to know she has always been thought of and loved from a far. I hope the best for both of you ... A Daugher will ALWAYS need her Father ....

[geeshock]

I agree with roses, well put. Open the door, everyone is different. If she needs answers she will ask as long as you let her know she is able to talk to you about "anything" and that you realy love her. She'll make her decision in her own time.

[Chunker]

Children have a need in their life when they become adults and can see through clouded info told one-sided from the parent they had to stay with after a divorce. My sons both wanted to contact me after 7 years and luckily it was their mother that instigated the contact. The youngest was becoming a father and needed my advice. His girlfriend was pregnant and lived 1500 miles away. I ended up giving him a ride there. Our conversations were centered around why and what happened when he was younger and he now understood my side. All I can offer to you Golfhobo is if you make an attempt to contact her, be prepared for the worst if she feels betrayed. Be ready to answer many questions with total honesty and much regret. Try to make an attempt to start fresh as if you can, but be also ready for total rejection.

[golfhobo]

Thanks for all the replies and advice so far everyone. I'm paying close attention, and still giving it alot of thought. Somewhere around the house, I have that "dear daughter" letter that I wrote so many years ago... but never knew where to send.

[firebird_1252]

i'd do a private message on facebook. but you need to set yourself up for the worst case. i mean, might be the best choice in your life to contact her might also be something hurtful. to me, i'd roll the dice and contact her.

[GMAN]

It seems to me that if you don't take first that step that you will always regret it. You will always wonder "what if?" I would not be pushy, but just let her know that you always wanted to be a part of her life and had no way to contact her. You can also let her know that you would like to get to know her. You don't know what her mother may have told her over the years.

[golfhobo]

Originally Posted by GMAN

It seems to me that if you don't take first that step that you will always regret it. You will always wonder "what if?" I would not be pushy, but just let her know that you always wanted to be a part of her life and had no way to contact her. You can also let her know that you would like to get to know her.

This seems like as good a place as any for me to give a little background (if y'all will bear with me.) I "passed" on a few chances early on to take steps that might have avoided my "regret." But, until now, I have been able to "wonder" what if... without taking all the blame.... or the responsibility.

You don't know what her mother may have told her over the years.

I said things were a little ugly... but, nothing like most people endure. I have reason to believe that my ex never really "trash talked" me to my daughter. I respect her for that. The last (of 5 times within a year) that my wife "surgically" removed every belonging of hers AND my daughter's.... and left me to go home to Mama... she took our family portrait. Me, her and Denise. Months later, when I went to visit her with a plea for another chance at our family life together, she had that portrait hanging over her bed (in her parent's house.) I'm sure she took it down when she married the young man that she got pregnant from while we were still legally married! But, I'll bet my daughter has seen it.

There was a time (on my daughter's 12th birthday) when someone pronounced her name with a "masculine" accent.... Dennis, instead of Denise (she was named after me,) and she replied with a "happy tone" that that was her "Daddy's" name. This shows that she KNEW that her adopted father was not her "real daddy" ... and implied (to me) that she had not been raised with a negative impression... or no knowledge of... her real daddy. This was one of the events that led me to believe she might look for me someday. But, she didn't.

My daughter was born BEFORE my wife and I decided to marry and give a life together a try. For some reason, my wife didn't put ANY name on the birth certificate for the "father." And... after nearly a year of marriage, she still refused (at her mother's behest... I believe...) to sign a simple legal document giving OUR daughter MY last name. Ergo... I never HAD any legal "right" or "responsibility" to my birth daughter. I believe it was a "family" strategy to make sure that me and my "rich white parents" could never take their "golden child" away from them. [I've had this confirmed.]

But, when they kicked me out of the family, they wanted me to pay child support "if I ever wanted to see my daughter." So... I DID for awhile. But then, my daughter was taken overseas by her new "family." I never knew where they went, or when they returned. I had NO legal rights to my daughter and can you imagine the charges if I had tried to make contact with a MINOR that I had no legal connection to?

My checks were cashed by my MOTHER in law... who was the crux of the problem... who had a son and his WHOLE family living at home!

So, I stopped sending money.

I KNOW it was a bad decision. So... do I deserve to be cut off?

How can I EVER have a conversation with her that covers the causes of our split... WITHOUT placing blame where it lies? I will take ALL that is due me, but... is it ALL my fault?

[Orangetxguy]

Originally Posted by golfhobo

This seems like as good a place as any for me to give a little background (if y'all will bear with me.) I "passed" on a few chances early on to take steps that might have avoided my "regret." But, until now, I have been able to "wonder" what if... without taking all the blame.... or the responsibility.



I said things were a little ugly... but, nothing like most people endure. I have reason to believe that my ex never really "trash talked" me to my daughter. I respect her for that. The last (of 5 times within a year) that my wife "surgically" removed every belonging of hers AND my daughter's.... and left me to go home to Mama... she took our family portrait. Me, her and Denise. Months later, when I went to visit her with a plea for another chance at our family life together, she had that portrait hanging over her bed (in her parent's house.) I'm sure she took it down when she married the young man that she got pregnant from while we were still legally married! But, I'll bet my daughter has seen it.

There was a time (on my daughter's 12th birthday) when someone pronounced her name with a "masculine" accent.... Dennis, instead of Denise (she was named after me,) and she replied with a "happy tone" that that was her "Daddy's" name. This shows that she KNEW that her adopted father was not her "real daddy" ... and implied (to me) that she had not been raised with a negative impression... or no knowledge of... her real daddy. This was one of the events that led me to believe she might look for me someday. But, she didn't.

My daughter was born BEFORE my wife and I decided to marry and give a life together a try. For some reason, my wife didn't put ANY name on the birth certificate for the "father." And... after nearly a year of marriage, she still refused (at her mother's behest... I believe...) to sign a simple legal document giving OUR daughter MY last name. Ergo... I never HAD any legal "right" or "responsibility" to my birth daughter. I believe it was a "family" strategy to make sure that me and my "rich white parents" could never take their "golden child" away from them. [I've had this confirmed.]

But, when they kicked me out of the family, they wanted me to pay child support "if I ever wanted to see my daughter." So... I DID for awhile. But then, my daughter was taken overseas by her new "family." I never knew where they went, or when they returned. I had NO legal rights to my daughter and can you imagine the charges if I had tried to make contact with a MINOR that I had no legal connection to?

My checks were cashed by my MOTHER in law... who was the crux of the problem... who had a son and his WHOLE family living at home!

So, I stopped sending money.

I KNOW it was a bad decision. So... do I deserve to be cut off?

How can I EVER have a conversation with her that covers the causes of our split... WITHOUT placing blame where it lies? I will take ALL that is due me, but... is it ALL my fault?

You have said enough that it enforces the belief that You.......... Dennis......should take that first step and contact her. Just tell her you have been searching...and go one day at a time!

[golfhobo]

Thanks, Stan, for the reply. I was pretty sure I had lost MOST here on the board (since most are conservative) when I mentioned my "eventual" lack of child support. I don't really blame anyone who takes a negative stance against me as a result of that decision. I can only say that there are circumstances that I have not yet been able to disclose or explain. But, regardless.... I have been SOMEWHAT ashamed of that over the years. But, I was young and hurt... and somewhat vindictive. I felt cheated out of what the LAW says you get in return for that "support." Like visitation rights, or pictures, or something. I got nothing.

I couldn't send payments directly to my ex-wife, cuz she (and the family) wouldn't give me an APO address for her once she went overseas. Most of the time, they just hung up on me when I called. My "in-laws" didn't even have a PHONE! They sure didn't want me to have any contact with her... but, they wanted the money.

I did (at least) TWO things wrong in all of this. NOT sending the money after a time was one of the big ones! The other one I will relate in time... if anyone still cares. It's funny... my problems with Twilight stemmed partly from my unwillingness, or discomfort, in telling this tale. It's not one that I really wanted to tell. What I couldn't get around to doing in private with him... I am now doing in public with ALL of you. And that is how it must be. I have "unzipped" my fly and started this mess. I must be willing to suffer the condemnation of those who feel it is warranted. Nothing ANYONE can say could be worse than what I put myself thru over the years.

[golfhobo]

Originally Posted by Chunker

Children have a need in their life when they become adults and can see through clouded info told one-sided from the parent they had to stay with after a divorce.

This was one of my guiding principles. Perhaps, it was just self centeredness, but I believed my child was as much (or more) intelligent than I. I counted on the fact that she would someday want to know the truth, and not believe whatever she had been told. I STILL believe she is... but, I was not prepared for the silence.