[golfhobo]

Originally Posted by geeshock

If she needs answers she will ask as long as you let her know she is able to talk to you about "anything" and that you really love her. She'll make her decision in her own time.

I am willing to talk to her, and tell her what I believe is the truth, about ANYTHING. But, how do I do that without placing at least SOME blame on people she knows and loves? It would not BE the "truth" if I take all the blame myself... but, ONE who is to blame is now her deceased grandmother! How can I talk about that?

[golfhobo]

Jayhop said:

Just as a back up to other suggestions, I would like to tell you of my Mom and her Dad. Similar circumstances occurred with them (she hadn't seen him since the age of 5). At the age of 50 or so my Mom decided she wanted to get to know him and contacted him herself. For the last ten years of his life, my whole family got a chance to know him and love him. My grandmother was very upset about the whole thing, but she stayed out of it.

Thanks for sharing that, Jay. I think I still have more than 10 years left. My mom was reunited with her siblings at 60+ years old. I think it meant a lot to her. But, that's another story.

Regardless of how little you may think of yourself, I feel you owe her the chance...

Well, you nailed that one. You don't even know me, but you see how LITTLE I think of myself as a result of this. I've lived a life NOT worth living. Yet, you take the spotlight OFF of me, and put it on a life that might still be "enriched." Even if she doesn't want to know me, just answering her questions could make HER life better. If I could DO that.... it would be worth whatever pain I had YET to suffer.

Yes, I am still thinking of ME. I think of what I have lost. I am not convinced that it would help HER to know about me. If it would NOT... then, I can live with the life I chose. But, I would do ANYTHING to make HER life better. EVEN if that means staying OUT of it.

She may not respond until she is ready, but at least you will know that you reached out, which I feel will bring you a lot of peace...

I know you are right. Just finding her has brought me some peace. Contrary to what some might believe, I have ALWAYS looked for her. More or less at times, but... NEVER did I "write her off." The question is.... would MY "peace" be detrimental to HERS? I am not willing to make that trade.

Worse case scenario: she doesn't respond... best case; you get a chance to build that relationship with her that you have missed so much... Best of luck... my prayers are with you.

Worst case scenario... I screw up her life or her mind. I am prepared for rejection. I'm not sure I am ready yet for the "best case scenario." I appreciate your prayers (though I don't believe in them,) but I really appreciate your opinions and comment. Welcome to the board.... and THANK you very much for responding.

[Mr. Ford95]

Hobo, you can contact her via Facebook as the other's have said in a private email basically. It would be up to her to keep it private though. She could post it on her "wall" for everyone to see or she could keep it private, again it's entirely up to her.

It sounds like your going to just have to ad-lib and be as honest as you can be. Good luck with it man.

[golfhobo]

4roses said:

Hobo after reading your post and the replies .... it lays close to my heart.

Thank you for that, Roses. I knew you would understand. And that was going to be the sum of my response to you. Just to let you know that I understood what an effort it was for you to respond. We've had our "differences," as you may know. But, I've always cared about and respected you. The other reason I wasn't going to "respond in full" to your post was because I was in tears just reading it... and couldn't see how I could respond without flooding my keyboard.

Short story ~ Because of the bad blood between him and the mother - he broke off all ties. Also thinking it would be best for the Son ~ he didn't get to watch him grow up and enjoy his youth.

I never knew how important this WAS to a person's mental health, stability and purpose in life. I didn't know how much my dad loved me and was "invested" in my life until I was an adult.... and I grew up with him in the home! His "focus" was always the Church and his "calling" from God. When I was young, he was gone most of the time. My early choices... wrong as they may have been... were mostly made in light of what I thought might be best for HER at the time. I've never been KNOWN for making the best choices.... I bought Beta when VHS first came on the market!

This young Man wanted all his life to meet his Father and get to know him. He didn't need to know all the trouble why his parents broke up and mess between them. He only needed to Know that his Father Loved Him.

Well... I don't suppose that my daughter has lost much sleep over this. She's been kinda busy. I THINK she went to college and got a degree. I sure hope I'm right... but, it doesn't matter. She's had two kids... but, not until she was old enough to "plan" her parenthood! [More than I can say for her mother.]

I actually believe that my daughter has never felt that I didn't "LOVE" her. I don't KNOW if she has ever wanted to MEET me... and lord knows she can't benefit by it. She has a HUGE family of loving people that don't have MY problems. I think she has accepted that.

The reason I tell you this ..... is because of the children ! They don't need to know of the bad words exchanged between their parents, or who's fault it was - - if any - - - why they couldn't make it as a family. It's not about pointing fingers ... That's not of great importance to them ............ They just want to know they're Loved.

I would rather DIE than to have her think that she wasn't! She has had a plethora of "loving people" around her all her life. But, if I thought she felt "unloved" because I had not made contact yet... I would not hesitate, now that I have found her. Believe me....folks.... I have tried MANY times over the years. My parents tried many times!

Start a new relationship with your Daughter .... When she is ready ~ she will respond to you. Remember one thing hobo .... No One .... has all the answers, and she just needs to know she has always been thought of and loved from afar.

So... you're saying that "I" don't have all the answers? Haha.... just messin' with ya. But... to a point, you are right. All these years I have relied on what "I" thought was the best thing to do. Maybe, I was wrong! But, even if I'd decided differently, finding her has not been easy. My "inlaws" didn't even have a house phone! Maybe, I should send her a picture of my living room. HER baby photos are on every wall.

Maybe she heard my father's prayers at EVERY family get-together. He praised the Lord, and then asked his "guidance" and protection for everyone in his family... including my daughter. My brother has a daughter (and grandkids) just one year younger than Denise. They have had the joy of THAT relationship, and the pain of MINE. [My sister also has children that have blessed my parent's life.]

I hope the best for both of you ... A Daugther will ALWAYS need her Father.

I sure hope you're right! And I know the difference between "fathering" a child and raising one. The man who married my EX, (even tho he impregnated her while we were still married,) IS... and I always believed was... a good man! HE has been her "daddy" I guess, (tho SHE made a distinction.) HE deserves her dedication and LOVE! He certainly deserves MY respect!

With everything she really needs pretty much covered .... DOES she really need my love or "contact" at this point in life? Yes, I am glad that she is grown and I could be talking to a rational and educated mind. But, her life seems fine without me. I guess I need to know... or decide... If SHE would benefit in ANY way by hearing from me. It's no longer about whether "I" need her... okay, that's not true. I DO need her! But... I will continue to do what I think is best for HER. My life really no longer (or ever) mattered.

Thanks again for your response, Roses. It DOES matter to hear a woman's viewpoint.

[golfhobo]

Originally Posted by Mr. Ford95

Hobo, you can contact her via Facebook as the other's have said in a private email basically. It would be up to her to keep it private though. She could post it on her "wall" for everyone to see or she could keep it private, again it's entirely up to her.

It sounds like your going to just have to ad-lib and be as honest as you can be. Good luck with it man.

Thanks, Mr. Ford. You are confirming what all have said about Facebook. I am now sure that I can send a private message to her. IF she wanted to post it on her "wall" for all to see, that would be up to her. I am not looking for that much "recognition."

Bad news is... she hasn't updated her facebook page in almost a year. Good news is that she posted lots of pics of HER and the kids before she lost interest. MORE good news is... if it's like other sites... she will get a "message" at her email address that there is a new PM on her page. How often does she check her email? I don't know. I'm pretty sure she will see it within a month or two if I send it.

It should be noted that, without the popularity of Facebook, I would probably NEVER have this chance! I've tried SO many avenues over the years, but Facebook is what made HER "accessible." She hasn't posted there in about a year. Not really what you'd call "addicted" to it!

I don't even know that she would see it now... but, I believe she will. NOT because she spends any time on Facebook.... but, because she will get a notice at her email address. Everyone checks their email now and then.

"You have a personal email on your Facebook page from [my name]" click HERE to read it.

Wow! What an intro to your father.

[golfhobo]

Okay... I've lost many of my conservative friends when I admitted I didn't pay child support ( for a child I didn't get to SEE or KNOW...) and I accept that.

Now... I'm gonna make the REST of you hate me. [I may have to resign from this site after this.]

I STARTED this thread... in THIS forum... to get advice from my respected "friends," and perhaps, to show that I am human. It was not easy for me to do so. I have NOT lied to anyone about anything... but, there is more to tell.

WHY? (some of you ask) would a man who claims to LOVE his daughter as I do... walk away and feel that his daughter would be "better off without him?"

My mother was "taken" from her mother by the State after her father died at 32 yrs of age... and the "mother" was proven to be "abusive." She tried to DROWN my mother in the sink... even tho my mom was the oldest and actually "ran" the household. My mother spent some years in orphanages and foster homes before being (finally) adopted by the only maternal grandparents I ever knew. Then she met and married my father.

When my brother and I played some 'games' on each other with the front door, and HE actually ended up BREAKING the lock and such... my Mom went ballistic. She had a hairbrush in her hand, and she attacked by brother with it. She beat him down over the arm of the couch... and kept beating him. I think she had a "breakdown" after that, and spent some time in a "state" hospital.

You see... I believe there is an "abusive gene" in my family... on my mother's side. I believe I inherited it. I have SUPER sensitive hearing. They called me "Ears" in the "service" cuz I could hear and identify different languages thru THROAT mikes on 4 different frequencies that I was monitoring. When they give me a hearing test, they give up after I go off the charts. Just two weeks ago I went "off" on a (mormon family of 20+) in Denny's because they couldn't at least "tone down" a screaming child. I can't really help it. If you can't HEAR these freq's... you can't know the pain.

Such is the screaming of a child who was never taught to sleep in her own crib.

I hit her. [not as bad as it sounds, but it is the truth.]

I don't remember if it was open handed or backhanded... but, does it matter? I physically assaulted my own child! I didn't PLAN it! It just happened. I immediately went to my bedroom, fell on my bed, and cried! My EX... to her credit... tried to console me. But, this was a shame I could not bear, and a future I could not allow.

So... months later when my EX had left me for the 5th time, after I warned her NOT to ever do it again, I "bailed" from this dysfunctional relationship. The "family" WANTED me to anyway... so, I did.

There are TOO many reasons why I walked away from that relationship/marriage to mention. But, one CERTAIN one was that I NEVER wanted to have a "repeat" of that night. And... there has not BEEN one!

I've had parents tell me... "heck, ONE smack? Nothing to worry about." But, I don't believe them. I would rather spend my life without my daughter's love, than to take the chance of EVER hurting her again. And, so I did.

But I hurt MORE now, and have for years, than I did that night. [More than I EVER thought I would...] If I had just thought of earplugs!

I'm sure NONE of you have ever hit your child, so go ahead and cast stones. I deserve it.

You can't hurt me more than I have hurt myself. But, I never hurt my daughter again.

[ironeagle_2006]

Hobo here is something alot of people do not know about me since I buried it so deep I refuse to let it out of me again I was a survivor of Domestic Volience. Yes you heard it right I am a MALE Victim of Domestic Abuse from my Ex Wife that never went to the people since if I had she would have thrown ME in Jail since the police never and I mean Never believe the man in that situation. See after my strokes in 2001 my Ex realized that my personality had changed and she could do anything she wanted to me and I took it and refused to fight back and she did take advantage of it. I suffered emotional Physical you name it she did it to me things that made my theraphist go WHOA. Yet there was something building in my head that said to me all along this is wrong I know it. Finally one day IT happened I snapped she went to hit me again and I blocked her she grabbed the frying pan hit me in the ribs then I finally had had enough I walked out of the room and called the police I never had hit her. They came and saw she did not have one mark on her. The went YOU MAAM are going to jail I went no all I want is for her to give me my freedom aka I want a Divorce and she have better grant it or I will press Charges see I had a year from the Police report to do so.

I left the state of WI 6 years ago and have not been back since. It took me 4 months to get my life straightend out with almost daily therapy sessions then I met my current wife. Where did we meet at a Survivor of Domestic Abuse I was the only Man there and everyone there was like how did I let myself take it. Called I really had no choice with how unfair the laws are. Hobo either take that chance or you are going to regret it for the rest of your LIFE. I know if I had not taken that chance in 2006 I would be DEAD by now as she was ramping up the abuse on me. So either Fish or Cut Bait she is your Daughter it is time to get back in her life you need to be there for her. I know if I had a daughter myself with my Ex even though we did not luckily I would be moving heaven and EARTH and HELL to get back into her life.

[repete]

Originally Posted by golfhobo

Thanks for all the replies and advice so far everyone. I'm paying close attention, and still giving it alot of thought. Somewhere around the house, I have that "dear daughter" letter that I wrote so many years ago... but never knew where to send.

Thats what I was going to sugest. Dig it out and add to it find her address and send it! An actual hard copy letter would be so much more personal then an email. God speed on your quest Hobo.

[Fredog]

facebook only sends a notice to your email if you have your account set up that way..she may or may not..

[dle]

Personally, I'm honored that you feel that we can help you with this.

Facebook can be setup to use any display name that you want to use, one of my daughters has a very secretive name that is displayed and very few of her friends have a clue as to what her real name is.

Both of you are probably agonizing over the same decision.

Go ahead and create a facebook account and if you want to keep some secrecy split your screen name into a first name last name. Then send a message thru facebook to her, if you hear nothing then try to send a friend request. What do you say,

Hello,

This is dad, I don't know if you want to hear from me after so long but I have an emptiness
in my life that I feel the need to fill it.


That's what I would do.