Found my daughter... now what?
 

What would YOU do??

After nearly 30 years, I have finally found, and have a (possible) communication link with, my daughter. My wife and I divorced when she was about 4 yrs old. Things were kinda ugly at first, but not as bad as some people experience. I thought I was doing the "right thing" to give them all some space, and see how things shook out.

To be brutally honest.... I thought she might be better off in life if she DIDN'T know me. But, I always hoped she would WANT to.

I suffered some deep depression over my decision. I waited for a phone call. It never came.

I despised myself for not being more aggressive in finding her as she got older. I guess I still do.

I felt I had nothing to offer her. I probably still don't.

Tonight, with the help and prodding of my neighbor, I joined facebook so that I could see if I could find her. It took awhile... but, I DID. I didn't send a friend request (of course.) I am considering what I should do.

She might never search for my name, might never know that I have found her and can follow her life. I could enjoy the pictures of my "biological" grandchildren without EVER disturbing her circle of "friends" and family.

But, all my LIFE I have wanted to reach out to her and explain why I was "forced out" of her life. Why I wasn't there for her. And how much I have loved and missed her.

Facebook wouldn't let me join with my nom de guerre, GolfHobo. If I send a "friend request" she will see my real name.... and she will KNOW it is me. All of her "friends" which include much of her family (including my EX) will KNOW that I am there. What a stir this could cause! I don't want to make ANY of them uncomfortable, or hurt them, or ruin their "safe" social network.

What would YOU do?

If you know where she is then you could find a less public arena in which to communicate with her. She very well could be just as curious about you as you are of her. More than likely she felt that you abandoned her. It will be up to you to reach out to her and make the first effort. You will never know until you try. If it were me I would attempt to make contact.

Only NOW do I know where she is. Right after my ex remarried, they were stationed to Germany. Then other places unknown to me. I never knew when they came back to the states, or where they settled.

It seems as though both her and my EX now live in Albuquerque. Funny.... everytime I go thru there I think about how much I would like to move there. I suppose I MIGHT find one or the other of them in the phone book there, but I doubt it. Most people only have cell phones now.

I have reason to believe that she is divorced. Her mother may also be divorced. She is using her "maiden name" ... not of the original family, but of the man who must have adopted her after marrying my EX. Perhaps, she never married the man who fathered my two grandchildren... I don't know. But, it sounds like she is about to get married in Vegas.

I would LIKE to find a less public arena in which to contact her, but.... all my efforts in the past have failed. NOW I find her, and I may have to make a VERY public "move" on facebook or just let it go.

Thanks for your reply and advice, GMAN. I am going to take it slow and think about it some.

I would still like to hear other's advice.

First....I think you need to take the "first step". I don't know if you can simply send her an email via Facebook or not....but if you can.....do so. I wish you good luck!

Second........Just because she may have something on her "page" saying she is going to be married in "Las Vegas".....do not think of Nevada. There is a Las Vegas NM....just up I-25 from Santa Fe. Very nice area. Very "Catholic" area too.

Thanks for the reply and advice Stan. Especially about Vegas. I had forgotten about THAT one. Yes, it is a beautiful area... as is Taos. It is very close to where my Ex's family is from. And my Ex's current husband comes from Questa. You could throw a horse blanket over Questa, NM to Garcia, Co and cover most of my "latino" family. But... most of them have "migrated" to Albuquerque.

About that email... I'm going to ask some young people who know how facebook works to see if I could send a "PM" type email that no one else would see. I don't want my first contact to be broadcast as a "post" on her wall! [IF I decide to make that kind of "frontal assault."]

Much of what I've learned about her and the family, I've learned from one of her cousins who has no sense of internet security. I mean... just reading the cousin's "page." By comparing the friends lists on many of the "friends" homepages, I was able to confirm that I had the right girl. This "talkative" cousin actually posted HER own phone number. Rather than posting anywhere.... I'm considering calling this cousin and asking her point blank whether or not she thought my daughter would like to hear from me. If she said "Gawd no!" it would be the END of it! But, I don't want to "spook" any of them! I don't want them to know that I am (or could be) "stalking" them on facebook! I don't want to throw a wet blanket over what seems to be a very loving, close and vibrant "family social network."

Perhaps, it is enough for me just to see her picture(s.) To KNOW that I have found her after all these years. To KNOW that she is doing okay.

You and Gman say it should be up to me to make the first step. Well, under the circumstances (since I found HER,) that would be obvious. But... she always KNEW my name. Her mother could have FOUND me if she had asked. People who knew about these things said a child would often look for the parent. She never did.

It's not that I'm afraid to make the first move. It's that I don't know if it would be welcomed. I don't know if it would do more harm. I don't wish to cause ANY of them any harm.

This is a very important issue for me. I've rarely posted in the family forum... cuz, I didn't consider myself to HAVE one. I've said very little on CAD about my daughter, mostly because talking about her always chokes me up!

Now... I would like some more opinions. Y'all know me... you know how destructive I can be. Won't SOMEONE here tell me to stay away from her??

Won't someone tell me it's okay if I do?

Read the COMMENTS on this little item. Again.... skip the article if you want (it's extremely short) but, read the comments.

Estranged Father And Daughter Meet By Chance After 41 Years

What does your "gut" tell you to do??

If everything inside you says to stay away and let it be....then that is exactly what you should do.

BUT........It seems to me that you are wanting to take that step.

A short message, "introducing" yourself and telling her that you "found her" and want to chat via email......might be a good thing.

Hopefully one of the lady's on here will pipe in with her opinion.

I can't speak as to what might go through her head. BUT....if you and the Ex had a bad relationship and a really bad break up.........then you disappeared completely.....she may well feel that YOU never wanted anything to do with her. THAT is on your shoulders to clear up, before she could possibly decide.....does she want to know you.

my 2 cents

I would make it known that the door is open and then respect whatever decision she makes.

GH Yes you can send a Private Message to her via facebook without a problem. How do you think I found an old Friend of mine from about 20 Years ago.

Just as a back up to other suggestions, I would like to tell you of my Mom and her Dad. Similar circumstances occurred with them (she hadn't seen him since the age of 5). At the age of 50 or so my Mom decided she wanted to get to know him and contacted him herself. For the last ten years of his life, my whole family got a chance to know him and love him. My grandmother was very upset about the whole thing, but she stayed out of it. Regardless of how little you may think of yourself, I feel you owe her the chance...

Yes, I would send a private message to her on facebook and then the ball is in her court. She may not respond until she is ready, but at least you will know that you reached out, which I feel will bring you a lot of peace... Worse case scenario: she doesn't respond... best case; you get a chance to build that relationship with her that you have missed so much... Best of luck... my prayers are with you.