LOL, GMAN... you continue to crack me up.

In all fairness... most of what her mother did, was controlled by HER mother. And it started even before we got married. I still have (some) feelings for my ex, and she is basically a very decent person. I don't think she would have acted that way on her own.

 

Yes, it was very important to me to NOT just get "the good stuff." I gotta tell ya though... sometimes, the realization of the "permanence" of this life change scares me. I have always been able to "walk away" from jobs or situations that I didn't have the patience for. That's pretty much what happened way back then. But.... this is "till death do us part." lol.

Once I took that plunge and contacted her, I knew there was no going back. But, I can't say I totally understood what that meant. I'm NOT regretting it in any way! I'm just saying that this is "alien" to me. I have always had "commitment" problems. I'm having to learn at an advanced age what that really means. I NEVER wanted to hurt my daughter, which is why I thought she might be better off without me, but.... now I have to do the work to make sure I don't! You can't just say, "oops... I'm not ready for this" after you've stepped in it. lol.

I have read stories (some on here) about fathers who "showed up" only to leave again. There's no way I could live with myself if I did that! There are some things that are not going as well as I'd like... but, it is still early. Good or bad, I'm in it for the duration.

I have always been the "adult child" of my parents. And, luckily I have been well aware of the pain I have caused them. It helps me now, to understand my own feelings when she doesn't respond exactly as I wish she would. All in all though, I feel that I am equipped to handle my own emotions. But, it is all so new.

 

Roadhog said:

That's pretty much the way I saw/see it, too. They COULD have had me pay court ordered support... but, that would have meant signing the paper that gave me legal rights to her (and giving her MY last name.) THAT is what they would never do. And THAT is what caused my feelings of "alienation of affection." THAT would have required them to make sure I had visitation rights... like whole SUMMERS with her since she was out of "state/country." These are the things that fathers GET for their money... and they didn't want me to have them. So... they got nothing more.

Now... that is my "legal" take on it. But, morally? I have still always felt that I was in the wrong. I am STILL trying to learn to forgive myself for that. Considering all of the emotions, fears and actions surrounding those events.... I still believe that "I" was the only ADULT in the room! And in that regard... I let myself down as well as my daughter.

Yes... they did that! Ruined nearly 30 years of my life. I will never get those years back. Yet, I just can't find it in me to hate them for it. I don't see any prospect (at this point) of ever having a "normal" EX-relationship with her mother. But, I'd really like to. I think THAT, too, would be good for Denise. But, who knows what the future will bring. I suppose I will have to face her at my daughter's next wedding. I'm scared to death of that! But, maybe it will be a catalyst to even MORE healing.

Thanks, Hog. I needed that. To be honest, I had almost forgotten about it. I didn't consider it when deciding whether or not to contact her. It's NOT a "new" promise, and never WAS made out of some feeling of guilt. It was just a "bargain" I made with myself that helped me deal with the fact that I wasn't sending money to some place I didn't even KNOW where to send it. I was concerned that "they" might not make her education a priority, and I felt that it was the best thing I could do "in absentia." I MEANT to be saving for it all along.... but, I had those very lean years when my business wasn't even supporting myself!

Once I found her, it didn't even come up right away. Not until this July did I even know she HAD an outstanding student loan, and from what SHE told me... she should be able to make enough to pay it off herself. I could have just stayed silent... but, I have to look at myself in the mirror every day. In a moment of weakness, it crossed my mind to "skate" on that personal promise. Yes, I'm human. But, How could I BE the man I wanted to be, and the father I wanted her to know and accept (maybe love,) if I didn't respect myself? It took about 2 seconds for me to get on the puter and tell her about my "plan." And again... once I said it, there was no going back. This WHOLE experience has been much like jumping headfirst into a pool of cold water! I DID that the first day I spent with my grandkids. lol! I didn't want to do it... in a way... but, when I looked at those little faces who were expecting me to play with them in the pool.... there was no way I could back out. I have learned that there are "responsibilities" that come with family... and I trust that there will be rewards for doing the right thing.

I feel that I am moving forward regardless. lol. I have no choice... and the alternative was stagnation, depression and a wasted life. There are no virgins waiting for me in some "netherland" regardless of what I do. Just "moving" is a form of "healing," and I have already FELT "peace" compared to what I lived with for 30 years! My parents will be gone in the near future (dreading THAT!) and my siblings have families of their own. I have increasingly been aware of my own mortality lately, and stoic as I am, I was not looking forward to living out my last years alone. I hope and believe that my relationship with my daughter will grow over the coming years, and I REALLY hope that I will have the relationship with my grandkids that will make my life worth living. They are still a bit young to understand... but, with time... I think we will be "best buddies." One of the first things my daughter said to me (expected of me) was.... just be GOOD to the kids! You could say she put me on notice! lol. That's fine. That is my second chance!

Well... I guess that's all I got to say right now. My daughter just messaged me wondering where I've been! She wondered why I didn't include a smiley face or a "heart you" with my last check. Gotta go be a "DAD" for awhile! lol.

Ain't life GREAT?

 

Hitching a ride on Santa's sleigh the day after Christmas and going to ABQ to spend 5 days/nights with my daughter and grandkids. She's going to be in WA state for Christmas day, so I'm gonna go the day after. Returning on New Year's Eve so my grandkids don't have to see me wearing my lampshade! lol.

Thinking seriously about moving out there soon. Even my parents agree that my life SHOULD be out there with MY family. I have always loved the West, but couldn't see myself living out there by myself. Now, I have a reason.

And yes.... I asked her to honestly say that she wanted me out there. She does.

Any thoughts on this?

 

Nothing really to update at this time. Looking forward to going to ABQ in less than two weeks! Can't wait to see my daughter and her kids! She told me just today that they are excited about me coming. This will be my best Christmas EVER!

If any of you have to stop in ABQ between Christmas and New Year's... let me know. I'd love to come and meet you.

Hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas! Hope you get to see family. Be safe on the roads... and thank you all SO much for the advice and encouragement you've given me here on this thread! I might not have made the right decision without your help!

 

Sounds like fun Hobo, and I hope you get good weather to enjoy.

I'd love to see New Mexico again, and always enjoyed what little I was able to see along hwy 10, 25 or 40.
I guess a move there won't interfere with your job, eh?

Winter is coming on strong where I live. Our lakes have all froze, so I'm out ice fishing already.
It's cold and windy, and nature up here will thin out the herd.
You read about the Darwin Award winners in the local paper.

 

Weather forecast looks like sunny and about 45 or so. Works for me! I like snow, but want to be free to move about the city as I will be looking at houses and trucking companies.

Unfortunately, Fedex only has a small satellite terminal there. No "linehaul" team operations like I do now. Dont' think I can make as much doing local trailer "spotting" and such... but, I will be talking to the manager there to see what's available. I'm thinking that I will either have to find another job/company based out of there or.... buy my own truck and lease on with Landstar or someone (where I can live wherever I want.)

Knowing that you are healthy enough to be ice fishing again... and will NOT be "thinned out of the herd".... is one of the greatest presents I could receive this year!

Still... nature IS very tough up where you are. If you ever decide you need to "retire" to the warmth of the Southwest.... let me know. I could use someone to argue with in my old age! And if you keep your "cabin" up there... we can always go visit at times. I'd really like to go ice fishing once in my life.

I know you'll never leave the frigid north and the Sasquatch babes. But... the offer will always be open.

 

Open up a Bait Shop in AbbyQ, Hobo.

 

Haha! I'll look into it!

 

Hobo, if you are looking for a company in the west, you might give Gilner a call. They are based in Idaho and mostly run from Kansas west. I have a friend who ran for them for about 1 1/2 years pulling one of their reefers. He spent a lot of time in Washington, Oregon, California and over to Montana and Wyoming. Basically it was about 11 western states. They do come to Texas. I am not sure whether they come any further east unless you are a team. It might be worth checking.