It's okay Vegas. Wish you luck, too.

 

i'm glad it's going well for you hobo!
i know that little voice in the back of your head says you don't deserve this, we all know you do

and if i may make a suggestion? start a family tradition during your beach vacation. something fun that you, your daughter and the grandkids can do every year. i was thinking maybe a golfhobo family mini golf tournament. get a little trophy that the winner keeps for the year and passes off to the next year's winner. maybe a t-shirt for each to commemorate or a goofy hat to wear during the tournament.

in our family it's a poker tournament and we have made the trophy, which is an old phone (my 1 stepson worked for verizon) tacked onto a square of plywood. the winner get to decorate the plaque with their name and date and whatever thing they want to glue to it. as you can imagine it is godawfulbutugly but we have had to so much fun with it, especially the kids.

it's just a thought, something to help you make good memories to balance out the bad.

 

While I've been on CAD a few times over the last few months, I had forgotten to check up on this thread, so I'm only just now catching the good news.

I really am happy for you Hobo. I hope this starts you down a path that leads you toward "Happily ever after."

 

Thanks, Musicman. I don't know what "happily ever after" is supposed to look like. I am just learning to be a (bio)father. I'm just learning to be a grandfather. I'm just learning what love is or might be. I'm so afraid it might all be a dream. My daughter "accepts" me.... but, cannot yet feel LOVE for me. Maybe she will learn in time... as her children find a way to love me... and they are so innocent and willing. So... I have hope. Surely... my friends here understand that It would not be easy to LOVE me without knowing me.

This IS a life I longed for. But, one I was ill prepared for. I must turn from political debate, and surround myself with familial love. And that is not easy.

I never thought it would happen... so, I didn't prepare enough for it. I am playing catch up! Trying NOT to fail.

But... I KNOW that if I dedicate myself as much to THIS... as I have done to worthless political debates... I will succeed. Because, thankfully, my daughter is not an idiot like some here are! lol.

30 years I've been "marking time." 10 or so spent on this board trying to reason with people. And in the blink of an eye... I found the ONLY one I really care about communicating with. And that communication is growing stronger every day.

I will never forget those here who supported me. I don't think I could have done it without y'all. But, I must also thank those who've challenged me. Without them... I would have had no reason to go on.

Funny how life works, eh?

 

Thanks, Vavega. I've already got the kids T-shirt size. Don't know if they would relate to golfhobo yet... but...we ARE thinking of going to a Putt-putt golf place! Trophies are good... but, I don't want ONE to think they win out over the OTHER where I am concerned. thinking more of an "I survived" type of shirt.

They barely remember meeting me. This will be the first time they actually spend time with me. I think I'm gonna play it by ear... and see what THEY want me to buy them as a memento of this trip.

Myrtle beach is good at that. I'm sure I can find something that they will want to keep and remember. At least... I hope I can do that. Of course... I will have their MOTHER to help me out! Whatever my DAUGHTER says... goes! lol.

They are only 4 and 5. There will be many more times... I hope. Trophies come later. LOVE comes first. I will not let them forget me. Nor this trip. But... it may take many more trips like this to establish "memories."

Thanks.

 

mr hobo .... how about taking a lot of pictures and 1-2 days Before the week is up everyone goes to walmart and make 2 sets of each picture. Buy 2 small picture books - walmart sells them for about 2.00 or so at their photo register .. 1 for you and 1 for your daughter .. with the intention of watching the albums grow with each visit. You can tell them once you have printed the pictures that you took (after the visit to walmart ) you will mail them copies of the last day everyone was together. That way they will have something to look at and you will have some to carry with you. As well as they will be looking forward to receiving more pictures in the mail from you. As young as the children are right now ~ this will help to remind them of the laughter and joy they felt while spending time with you. ..... Just a thought ? when I was trucking I would mail Post Cards to my Grandsons of the different states or mountains I drove through, just something of interest. ( I bought several Post Card stamps and kept them in my truck) That way they always got an idea of where I've been and they always remembered me. At least it made me feel better ... LOL *just a thought*

 

i didn't know they were so young, so my idea probably won't work but i love roses picture idea. it's always fun to go back years later and reminiscence. maybe not for the grandkids for 5-10 years, but for you and your daughter.

 

Vegas... first, I want to say I understand what you are going thru. I am 56, and for 30 years didn't know if my daughter knew about me... or how she felt about me. Speaking for Dads everywhere... I'm SURE your dad would want to hear from you. And I am sorry you don't know how to contact him. I am only glad that I found out my daughter has NOT been feeling like you all of these years.

I will tell you this. In these situations, it is usually the parent that feels he or she has done wrong, and doesn't deserve to know the child. We are waiting and HOPING that the child will find us. Not sure if that applies to YOUR situation... but... you never know. Just because he hasn't contacted you, doesn't mean he doesn't care! PLEASE.... don't feel that it was anything YOU did wrong! It takes a certain strength for EITHER to make that initial contact. But... in YOUR case... as in mine... the UNKNOWN cannot be worse than the KNOWN.

Good luck. GO for it... or learn to live with it. Can you talk to your Mom? I think it would be easier for you to find HIM, than the other way around. Don't be afraid. My biggest PAIN came from thinking that my daughter felt the way YOU do. Unless he is the biggest "loser" in the world... I can almost guarantee that he would want to have SOME kind of relationship with you.

Either way... resolution is better than doubt and depression.

 

Two things, Roses. I DO plan to take my digital camera with me (even tho my smartphone has higher resolution.) and... I MAY take my REAL camera. We will only be there for 3 nights, so... might as well send them ALL the pics after they get home. I DO like the idea of a photo album for this trip. I want them to have a tangible memory. Today.... everything is uploaded to IOS and 'shared' on facebook. That is just not good enough for me. And... I have ALWAYS gotten the double pics.

Postcards? Wow... I've been thinking of that lately. I remember getting them from my Dad (and a friend of his) when I was young. They meant alot to me... and I still have ALL of them. This is something I think I'm going to start doing. I will get them both an album that will "accept" postcards as well as pictures. I'm pretty sure my daughter will make sure that they all end up where I want them to be. In a "memory book."

Great ideas! Thanks.

 

Vavega. Sorry, I didn't make it clear. My granddaughter just turned 4. My grandson will turn 6 the day we leave the beach! We are planning some kind of party for him... with additional stuff for Lana. I will make sure they have 'memories.'

Toys, yes.... but they break and are easily discarded. Pictures are forever! What they will probably remember MOST from this summer, is the time they spend with their Dad in Raleigh. Who KNOWS what kids will remember? But, I am going to do my BEST to make some memories for them... and ME. Right now, my daughter refers to me as "grandpa Dennis" and to my dad as "grandpa Jim." They are too young to know the difference. The most important thing is... that they know they are LOVED when they come to NC! [AND... that my daughter is making that effort!]

God (or time) willing.... they will grow to know the difference, and to love ALL of us. To the extent that they grow up knowing that I am here, and love them... will make ALL the difference in MY elder years. And I hope it makes a difference in my daughter's life. I have SO much to prove to her. This is as close to a "second chance" as I will ever get.

I so much appreciate your support! [and that of all the others here.] Last time they were here... I had only a matter of HOURS with them. This time, I will have several DAYS! If you are of a praying kind... please pray that I don't screw it up! lol.

Do I "deserve this?" I don't know. I feel that I have been "faithful" in my love for my daughter all of these years. But... I have made many mistakes. But, if it makes you feel better, or gives you a clue.... the "voices in my head that told me to hate myself" have been silent lately. I'm not yet hearing the theme song from "Rocky," but... for once in my life... I have hope.

And HOPE is enough.