The Driving Life Across the Pond - A Life of Wot
#112
12-14-2006, 07:03 AM
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Dancing with the bright Pixies at University of Edinburgh
Posts: 2,575
Driving up through France passed without incident and I made my way to Calias and the supermarkets. British drivers always stock up on cheap booze and tobacco before returning home as our taxation is by far the highest in Europe.
I had only just about finished my first European trip and as a result, I didn,t have a great deal of money left. You know how it is when you,re all excited in a new place and you spend like its an olympic sport? So, after purchasing A case of beer and A pouch of tobacco, I set off for Dunkerque. Passing all the illegal immigrants on the road who were no doubt heading for England too. (I,ll write about these people at a later date). I joined the queues on the docks and eventually got booked on for my voyage home. And thats where the trouble started! Almost immediately upon my parking in the allocated lane for embarkation, my truck was swarmed by French customs. I felt like the boy who has just whacked the bee hive with a stick and is about to face the consequences. A short, rotound, self important customs officer approached my door and began spouting forth the most ridiculously funny English I have ever heard. "We are dooo anns thee frencsh custorrrms. We look at your camion, no?" How could one refuse? And so they began to clamber all over the truck, in the cab, frigging muddy boots everywhere. Bastards! "Hey! I live in there you bastards" informs Wot...Bad move. People in authority generally take great displeasure in having their parentage called to question. And I was going to find out. On finding my solitary case of beer and pouch of tobacco, they became very suspicious.. A British driver with so little? Zut alors! never! "You having ze more toback and al-koherl? Tell us now or zees is very deefahcult for yoo" The enraged Wot simply wouldn,t calm down and slid deeper and deeper into the hole he was digging himself.. Reverting to my broad Geordie accent which I knew they could not fathom, I retorted.... Whey ahh ve got nowt. Thats it marrah! aaal aaah ve got!(Why, I have nothing! thats it mate, all I have!) I was told by an old guy from Manchester to calm down Geordie, you,re gonna be arrested here! Thanks mate, but my trucks being ripped apart here and those bastards aren,t getting away with it!!!! Rule Wottania T.B.C
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 Nemo Me Impune Lacessit
#113
12-14-2006, 09:35 AM
by wot
rule wottania!??
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if you throw a cat out of a car window, does it turn into kitty litter?
#115
12-14-2006, 04:48 PM
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Dancing with the bright Pixies at University of Edinburgh
Posts: 2,575
Originally Posted by vavega
hmmm, does this mean somewhere in your deep dark past you were consort to the queen? :P :shock: :mrgreen: She was really nice.......she gave me a £50 tip :lol: :wink:
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Nemo Me Impune Lacessit
#117
12-14-2006, 05:21 PM
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Dancing with the bright Pixies at University of Edinburgh
Posts: 2,575
"My colleegar weel seet in your truck with yooo and yoo must follow to Calais, Zer we weel inspect your truck thorouwlee".
And so it was that I dutifully, if begrudginly, followed. The officer sat next to me being in possession of a loaded firearm may have had something to do with my compliance; I,m allergic to small pieces of lead that whizz towards you at 78ft per second- my allergy is a serious condition which could result in death. I tried to strike up a conversation with the officer in the cab but he seemed totally disinterested. And all I was trying to do was better my geographical knowledge of his country. Such a fickle lot, the French are. I mean, how offensive is it to simply enquire "Calais isn,t very far from Agincourt is it?" Anyway, I followed Jeans car( can you take any nation seriously when they have girls names for boys?) Admittedly, I,m not sure if that was fat boys name, I just wanted to have another dig at the Froggies. And whilst I,m on that trail, how the hell does one become obese from a diet of frogs legs and snails... Regardless, back to the story; Once we reached their lair, I was told to park the truck inside what looked like an air hanger(albeit a small one) Douane officers sprang forth from every nook and cranny with ladders, crow bars, hammers and sniffer dogs. At this point, I must congratulate the French customs on the training of sniffer dogs; It is testimony to their methods of training that the dogs can locate anything in the midst of the omnipotent stench of garlic. Off track again sorry.... I was ushered into a cubicle thinly disguised as an office and watched as I walked towards it as my truck was taken to pieces, literally taken to pieces. In the office, fat boy had found a friend and the two of them were to question me. Oh, I get this, I thought. Good guy and bad guy... you two think I,ve never seen Starsky and Hutch? Or should that be Monsieur Starskee and Monsieur Hootch? T.B.C
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Nemo Me Impune Lacessit
#119
12-15-2006, 12:29 AM
by wotannia :shock:
Uselese piece of information here V, but.....
by roadie
This has to be made into a movie!
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if you throw a cat out of a car window, does it turn into kitty litter?
#120
12-15-2006, 12:59 AM
I agree with classicxl...without a doubt...
it's a Comedy/Suspense/Mystery/Action Film.  Starring ROWAN ATKINSON  Cameo apperances by our Hero KEVIN HALL HEY...wake up Kev...you gotta movie to make! hehehe :lol: |
