I hope she is a Christian conservative. I don't know why... :roll3: :)

Now that would be interesting!!! :cool:

Sorry, Hog. We haven't discussed it much, but I'd guess more of a liberal Catholic. She doesn't understand why priests can't/shouldn't marry.

But, at least she is comfortable around my family. I'm the only outcast. lol.

Just checked in with CAD again today after some time and saw your update, Hobo. Pretty awesome news and great to hear! See, God even watches after Heathen non-believer liberals, too. ;) You know I was kidding with that. Hope things continue to progress wonderfully for you and your daughter.

Good thing to know, T/F. If I ever meet a Liberal, I'll let him know! :p

Thanks for checking in. I remember your story, and I'll be honest.... I NEVER saw it happening to me. I'm sure you'll agree that it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy! ;)

Yeah....So.....Why no up date....huh??

:p

Not much to update right now, Tex! And I'm having problems with the "return" function. Denise and I are doing fine. Still a few "bumps" but nothing we can't... or haven't... overcome. I am amazed at how much we are alike. That is both good AND bad... but, it is who we are! Seriously... I can pizz her off without making her mad! Does that make sense? Point is... she can TELL me when anything I say upsets her... and I think she "expects" me to understand and not take offense. Likewise... SHE seems to be able to tell me how she feels, and "I" don't get upset! She is the daughter I always wanted! [break] But, mostly... we talk about her kids or her softball games. Or her boyfriend. Isn't that what a father would expect from a grown daughter? [break] I'm sure I've bored her to death with all of my explanations, mea culpas and regrets. But... she hangs in there or just changes the subject. [break] The MAIN thing is... she is only interested in moving forward with our relationship. And, I can't argue with that. I have two wonderful grandkids... and SHE has made sure that THEY, and I, are aware of that relationship. What a blessing! She already "trusts" me with them... and only requires that I be "good" to them. How hard is that? Yes... I KNOW that she is and will be watching. That will be my "test." I only hope that she will see that I am capable of loving them... and by inference... that I could have been a good father to her! [break] I think I can pass this "test." If I don't... then I don't deserve ANY of them. But... I will NOT fail. [break] They will ALL be here in about a month! We're spending a week at the beach together. My parents won't be there, so... I guess "I" will be the Senior person. lol. First chance to be alone with them for a few days. Kinda like "Charles in charge." lol. [break] ALMOST like having a family! I don't see it as "make or break." Not THAT much pressure. But... it WILL be interesting. Guess the next REAL update will be when it's over. Keep you posted... and again I thank everyone for their support!

Oh... but if ONE person here is right... and either my daughter OR one of the kids does something... or says something... to really upset me; then the REAL me (the CAD me) will come out and all will be ruined! lol! Cuz... after 30 years... I may not be able to handle this! Haha! I might digress into a political diatribe on a 5 year old! Cuz... deep down inside... I'm a terrible person! Don't worry folks... I'll leave my arsenal of GUNS at home! lol!

Just wanted to add my 2cents here. First of all I am 53years old and have no ideal who my dad is. If I had a clue I would contact him, I wish he would contact me. So in my opinion if you know where she is I bet she will want to hear from you and if not well at least you tried. You can pm her on Facebook no one will be the wiser. So what do you have to loose you might be pleasantly surprised.

My bad guess I shoulda read the whole post before replying glad it all turned out good for u.

It's okay Vegas. Wish you luck, too.

i'm glad it's going well for you hobo!
i know that little voice in the back of your head says you don't deserve this, we all know you do ;)

and if i may make a suggestion? start a family tradition during your beach vacation. something fun that you, your daughter and the grandkids can do every year. i was thinking maybe a golfhobo family mini golf tournament. get a little trophy that the winner keeps for the year and passes off to the next year's winner. maybe a t-shirt for each to commemorate or a goofy hat to wear during the tournament.

in our family it's a poker tournament and we have made the trophy, which is an old phone (my 1 stepson worked for verizon) tacked onto a square of plywood. the winner get to decorate the plaque with their name and date and whatever thing they want to glue to it. as you can imagine it is godawfulbutugly but we have had to so much fun with it, especially the kids.

it's just a thought, something to help you make good memories to balance out the bad. :)

While I've been on CAD a few times over the last few months, I had forgotten to check up on this thread, so I'm only just now catching the good news.

I really am happy for you Hobo. I hope this starts you down a path that leads you toward "Happily ever after."

Thanks, Musicman. I don't know what "happily ever after" is supposed to look like. I am just learning to be a (bio)father. I'm just learning to be a grandfather. I'm just learning what love is or might be. I'm so afraid it might all be a dream. My daughter "accepts" me.... but, cannot yet feel LOVE for me. Maybe she will learn in time... as her children find a way to love me... and they are so innocent and willing. So... I have hope. Surely... my friends here understand that It would not be easy to LOVE me without knowing me.

This IS a life I longed for. But, one I was ill prepared for. I must turn from political debate, and surround myself with familial love. And that is not easy.

I never thought it would happen... so, I didn't prepare enough for it. I am playing catch up! Trying NOT to fail.

But... I KNOW that if I dedicate myself as much to THIS... as I have done to worthless political debates... I will succeed. Because, thankfully, my daughter is not an idiot like some here are! lol.

30 years I've been "marking time." 10 or so spent on this board trying to reason with people. And in the blink of an eye... I found the ONLY one I really care about communicating with. And that communication is growing stronger every day.

I will never forget those here who supported me. I don't think I could have done it without y'all. But, I must also thank those who've challenged me. Without them... I would have had no reason to go on.

Funny how life works, eh?

Thanks, Vavega. I've already got the kids T-shirt size. Don't know if they would relate to golfhobo yet... but...we ARE thinking of going to a Putt-putt golf place! Trophies are good... but, I don't want ONE to think they win out over the OTHER where I am concerned. thinking more of an "I survived" type of shirt.

They barely remember meeting me. This will be the first time they actually spend time with me. I think I'm gonna play it by ear... and see what THEY want me to buy them as a memento of this trip.

Myrtle beach is good at that. I'm sure I can find something that they will want to keep and remember. At least... I hope I can do that. Of course... I will have their MOTHER to help me out! Whatever my DAUGHTER says... goes! lol.

They are only 4 and 5. There will be many more times... I hope. Trophies come later. LOVE comes first. I will not let them forget me. Nor this trip. But... it may take many more trips like this to establish "memories."

Thanks.

mr hobo .... how about taking a lot of pictures and 1-2 days Before the week is up everyone goes to walmart and make 2 sets of each picture. Buy 2 small picture books - walmart sells them for about 2.00 or so at their photo register .. 1 for you and 1 for your daughter .. with the intention of watching the albums grow with each visit. You can tell them once you have printed the pictures that you took (after the visit to walmart ) you will mail them copies of the last day everyone was together. That way they will have something to look at and you will have some to carry with you. As well as they will be looking forward to receiving more pictures in the mail from you. As young as the children are right now ~ this will help to remind them of the laughter and joy they felt while spending time with you. ..... Just a thought ? when I was trucking I would mail Post Cards to my Grandsons of the different states or mountains I drove through, just something of interest. ( I bought several Post Card stamps and kept them in my truck) That way they always got an idea of where I've been and they always remembered me. At least it made me feel better ... LOL *just a thought*

i didn't know they were so young, so my idea probably won't work but i love roses picture idea. it's always fun to go back years later and reminiscence. maybe not for the grandkids for 5-10 years, but for you and your daughter. :)

Vegas... first, I want to say I understand what you are going thru. I am 56, and for 30 years didn't know if my daughter knew about me... or how she felt about me. Speaking for Dads everywhere... I'm SURE your dad would want to hear from you. And I am sorry you don't know how to contact him. I am only glad that I found out my daughter has NOT been feeling like you all of these years.

I will tell you this. In these situations, it is usually the parent that feels he or she has done wrong, and doesn't deserve to know the child. We are waiting and HOPING that the child will find us. Not sure if that applies to YOUR situation... but... you never know. Just because he hasn't contacted you, doesn't mean he doesn't care! PLEASE.... don't feel that it was anything YOU did wrong! It takes a certain strength for EITHER to make that initial contact. But... in YOUR case... as in mine... the UNKNOWN cannot be worse than the KNOWN.

Good luck. GO for it... or learn to live with it. Can you talk to your Mom? I think it would be easier for you to find HIM, than the other way around. Don't be afraid. My biggest PAIN came from thinking that my daughter felt the way YOU do. Unless he is the biggest "loser" in the world... I can almost guarantee that he would want to have SOME kind of relationship with you.

Either way... resolution is better than doubt and depression.

Two things, Roses. I DO plan to take my digital camera with me (even tho my smartphone has higher resolution.) and... I MAY take my REAL camera. We will only be there for 3 nights, so... might as well send them ALL the pics after they get home. I DO like the idea of a photo album for this trip. I want them to have a tangible memory. Today.... everything is uploaded to IOS and 'shared' on facebook. That is just not good enough for me. And... I have ALWAYS gotten the double pics.

Postcards? Wow... I've been thinking of that lately. I remember getting them from my Dad (and a friend of his) when I was young. They meant alot to me... and I still have ALL of them. This is something I think I'm going to start doing. I will get them both an album that will "accept" postcards as well as pictures. I'm pretty sure my daughter will make sure that they all end up where I want them to be. In a "memory book."

Great ideas! Thanks.

Vavega. Sorry, I didn't make it clear. My granddaughter just turned 4. My grandson will turn 6 the day we leave the beach! We are planning some kind of party for him... with additional stuff for Lana. I will make sure they have 'memories.'

Toys, yes.... but they break and are easily discarded. Pictures are forever! What they will probably remember MOST from this summer, is the time they spend with their Dad in Raleigh. Who KNOWS what kids will remember? But, I am going to do my BEST to make some memories for them... and ME. Right now, my daughter refers to me as "grandpa Dennis" and to my dad as "grandpa Jim." They are too young to know the difference. The most important thing is... that they know they are LOVED when they come to NC! [AND... that my daughter is making that effort!]

God (or time) willing.... they will grow to know the difference, and to love ALL of us. To the extent that they grow up knowing that I am here, and love them... will make ALL the difference in MY elder years. And I hope it makes a difference in my daughter's life. I have SO much to prove to her. This is as close to a "second chance" as I will ever get.

I so much appreciate your support! [and that of all the others here.] Last time they were here... I had only a matter of HOURS with them. This time, I will have several DAYS! If you are of a praying kind... please pray that I don't screw it up! lol.

Do I "deserve this?" I don't know. I feel that I have been "faithful" in my love for my daughter all of these years. But... I have made many mistakes. But, if it makes you feel better, or gives you a clue.... the "voices in my head that told me to hate myself" have been silent lately. I'm not yet hearing the theme song from "Rocky," but... for once in my life... I have hope.

And HOPE is enough.

yes, i am of the praying kind but i don't pray for the outcome, i pray for the immediate peace it brings me. it reduces the anxiety, calms my mind, and enables me to get out of an ever circling loop of thoughts that can be tough to break. and you know those kinds of thoughts are never positive, only negative.

and yes, you do deserve this, if only as payback for all those years of beating yourself up. even with as little as i know of your situation aren't you tired of that? besides which, i think you'll get a lot more out of being dad and granpop than you will out of hating yourself. i know it's tough, and it will take time, but let the hope crowd out the fear and "you be aight". ;) :)

sorry, i am in the middle of a love and hip hop atlanta jag

Just a matter of days now! She'll be in town Saturday evening. I will be home around midnight. Sunday... I get to watch the kids BY MYSELF for a few hours while she picks her boyfriend up at the airport in Charlotte. My parents will be out of town! [Long story.] So.... it's ALL on me! Yikes!

Monday, we leave for the beach.

Whatever made me think I could handle all of this at one time.... and so suddenly?

babysitting a 4 and 6 year old for a few hours with no experience, good lord man what were you thinking!??? :eek1:

here's what i did when my oldest grandson was 3. when his parents were getting ready to leave, my husband and i jumped up with them and said come on were going too. outside his parents got into their car, the three of us got into our car, and we took off down the road. then my husband and i took a different turn and drove straight for the nearest play park. he never knew what hit him and after the initial confusion had a ball playing on everything, mainly because we played with him instead of letting him play by himself. it took his mind off of his parents not being there. well that and the ice cream we got later.

remember, distraction plus time and attention are your friends. :)

I can sort of relate to you.

My father was a violent alcoholic when we were growing up. When I was about 12 or 13 years of age (around 2001) my father took aim and threatened to shoot me with his 12 gauge Mossberg (I kid you not) and he ended up getting in big trouble. 10 years or so later he finally found me on Facebook (around 2010) and he asked for my forgiveness. I forgave him and we began to talk. Turns out he was no longer in Southern California, but up in Washington by Seattle. We kept in touch for a couple of years and planned on meeting up after a decade of not seeing each other but last October, a week after my birthday, he died of respiratory failure at age 47.

Moral of the story: Time won't wait. If you truly want to be a part of your daughter's life - do it!

I already know I'm dumber than a 5th grader. :) :mad:

Post apocalyptic update! lol!
 

Just kidding! Mission accomplished.... no casualties!

First... about last Sunday: What was supposed to be a FEW hours turned into about 9! lol. I had to go down to Charlotte to babysit them, cuz the pool was closed at the hotel she had booked here in Salisbury. The kids LOVE to swim, and out of a 6 day trip to get here.... the pools were closed the first three, and on the fourth, it was no bigger than a bathtub! So.... in a blink of an eye all plans were changed and she spent Sat/Sun nights in Charlotte. So... I got down there about 11 and she got everyone ready for the pool and while they were drowning me... she took off to get Aaron (her boyfriend.) We were only supposed to swim for about an hour or less... then get ready for the 3:10 (standard) showing of EPIC. She was supposed to be back not long after it was over and we would all go to dinner. I still needed to get back and do some laundry and pack for the beach.

"Catch me! No, catch me! Catch me next! Catch me again!" ...as they made hundreds of "touch and go's" from the edge of the pool into my arms. "Spin me with two legs! Now, spin me with one leg. Now one leg and one arm. Now, spin both of us at once!" Do you know how much water resistance two chubby little kids generate? "Grandpa Dennis needs to go sit and rest a few minutes." "NOooo! Spin me one more time, now catch me!" It went on and on for nearly two hours!

So we went to a later (3-D) showing of EPIC. That was cool! My first ever 3-D movie. Of course... I'm a little shaky on the final dramatic moment when good wins out over evil, cuz.... Lana had to pee! I'd been warned NOT to make her wait.... so.... off we went. Luckily... it was right across the hall from our theater. Two small popcorns and 3 Powerade drinks.... $24! Are you kidding me? lol!

So.... back at the hotel and daughter notified we were hungry and waiting for her return. But.... Aaron was having a great time in Charlotte (and it was important for her that he liked the place enough to move there,) so.... we'll be home soon! All I can say is an hour or two of Bubble Gumpies had me crying for more of the previous few hours of Dora the Explorer! Aaargh! Lucky for me, there was pizza in the fridge. When she finally got back around 9:30(?) I beat feet back home and crashed (without dinner.)

Next day, about noon, it was off to the beach! Won't bore you with all the details, but.... the place was nice and the weather was mostly overcast. We only made it TO the beach one afternoon, and the next we/they swam in the pool at the resort. The next day... she took them to hand them off to their dad for the summer, and we "adults" decided to stay an extra night by ourselves. Ta Da..... enter Tropical Storm Andrea! lol. The final morning, the three of "us" went back to the beach for awhile looking for sharks teeth... and got pelted by sand and salt water being blown at gale force winds! Then to Duffy's for oysters on the halfshell, crab legs and a beer or two before parting ways for THIS trip.

It was there that I heard final confirmation of what she had been alluding to for several days.... that she had had a GREAT time and a Great vacation! In fact, I learned it was the first one she had taken without HER parents along.... and the first one with her new boyfriend. Of course... it was also OUR first vacation ever, too! She was genuinely appreciative of all I had done to make this happen for all of them/us. And, that made it all worthwhile!

It was a short (only) 4 night vacation... but, it was a total success in spite of the stormy weather. The kids were great the whole time, and I don't think I made a single misstep! Didn't get as many pics as I would have liked... but, enough to make memories. On the final day with the kids, we stopped by one of those Mega Souvenir stores and (sort of) turned them loose!

I realize none of this seems special to those of you who've had so many of these opportunities with your families.... but, for me.... it was a dream come true!

Was glad to get home.... but, can't wait to do it all again!

Two small groups of pics on my facebook page if anyone wants to see them: https://www.facebook.com/dennis.harris.9480?ref=tn_tnmn

I am glad that you had a good time. They look like they were having a great time.

Quick addendum:

Unbeknownst to me (until yesterday) on the night before she took the kids to their dad, Aaron proposed to her! My daughter is engaged (again.) I know it won't happen... but, I sure wish it would be MY turn to "give her away" this time!

It's been 2 months since your last update, Anything new happening?

Hobo just left us hanging. We need an update, hobo. Hopefully, things are still moving along well.

...but don't hold back and just tell us the good stuff now. :p

Thanks for the continued concern, my friends. Not a lot to update, but I'll give you what I got. As I've already said.... things could not be better for me where my daughter is concerned. We continue to facebook message almost daily. The trip to the beach was particularly successful in how we relate to each other. Prior to it, she had some problems understanding my sense of humor... and WHEN I was joking around or "messing with her." Likewise, I sometimes thought she was being critical when, in fact, she was just being "analytical." We came away with a much better understanding and comfort level with each other, and our "parental" bond has only gotten stronger.

I can't tell you how special it was for me to be able to sit on the balcony and have a beer with my daughter and her boyfriend (fiance,) and talk about current events (mostly social... not much political.) This is something I could never do with MY dad. Even with the difference in our age, I feel that she (they) consider me more as a "contemporary" and/or a friend rather than as an (older) adult. Does that make sense? Of course... THEY, too, are adults now. It was always my dream that someday I could have an "adult" and intellectual relationship with my daughter. I will forever regret that I never had that special bond of "raising" her. But, at times it almost seems as if this relationship is a natural extension of what "never was." Dreams can come true.

There are little things she does that display an extraordinary amount of "acceptance" of me... at least as I see it. At one time when we were both kinda "ganging up" on Aaron about his eating habits (or something,) he pointed it out. She immediately (without thinking,) exclaimed, "Well... like father like daughter!" I nearly cried. It seems she is almost relieved to finally understand WHY she is WHO she is. We are so much alike in so many ways.

There was a facebook post going around where, if you weren't scared to find out, you posted it on your wall and let your friends "rate" you as they see you. 24 choices like... special, cute, friendly, awesome, conceited, stubborn, etc., etc. She chose "SARCASTIC." At first, I was perplexed. Then, I realized that she finally GOT my sense of humor, and was "at ease" to point it out. I responded with, "What? Not #17: I'd hit you with a BUS?" She responded with a laugh and said, "Well, DEF... I'd hit you with a bus!" LOL! I said, "That's my girl!" ;)

Early on in our conversations, before we met, she openly and honestly said something about how she wasn't sure she could/would ever be able to call me "Dad." She HAS a "daddy" that is all she has ever known and she loves him completely. Yet, she purposefully explained to her daughter that I was "one of her two daddys." She said, "Mommy has only ONE mommy... but, she has two daddys." Thus was my initial "introduction" to her children... my grandchildren. At the beach, these two little darlings had NO problem calling me "Grampa Dennis." I would have been content with that. Then, recently, at the end of one of my LONG "messages" to her, I asked it she minded if I sometimes signed off with "Love, Dad." She said... "OF COURSE! Because you ARE one of my dads!" I would have been content with THAT. Then came August 13th... my birthday. Many of my facebook friends posted birthday wishes on my page. That alone made me feel better than I have felt in years. I guess I must admit to SOME anxious expectation as I waited for HER post... only because I always look forward to them... but, I had NO idea what I was about to see.

"Happy birthday dad!! Hope u have a great day!!"

Okay... I DID cry! I cried off and on all day as I drove towards Orlando on my daily run. I cried again later in the sleeper on the way home. And, yes... I am tearing up again NOW. THIRTY years I have waited to hear something like that! My skills of perception fail me when I try to think of how SHE feels when I tell her how much I love her, and all the other things I've told her. I know she was shocked to learn of me, and I can't quite "gauge" how it has changed her life, or how she reacts to having another person love her as much as I do. But, I now understand how the heart of a grown man can be reduced to mush by just a few simple words from his child.

More later. I need to close this post before I lose my audience. Lol!

if you need any emotional support... anything we can do to help... :) ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvPugcb7QGE

Thanks, Hoggie! I feel better now. In truth, all that crying was just a bit of "misty eyes." I don't think it required such drastic measures. Guns and bats are definitely a bit overboard! lol.

Somehow.... I just think you WANT a reason to beat me up! lol! J/K!

Gotta go sit by the fire now. I told my "boss" I needed an extra day off this weekend. He doesn't KNOW it is to interview with a Private Carrier for a new job!

Next installment is about how much my love for my daughter is going to COST me! Stay tuned.

It's nice to see that after all the debating that you did about contacting her, that things worked out great.

It sounds like you are building a good relationship with your daughter.

Yes, freebird. But, it COULD have gone completely opposite. But, I wouldn't have been much worse off than I was for so long. What I think of most is how I would have spent the rest of my life wondering what might have been. Now that I know what "was to be," I know that I would have only deteriorated more as time went on. MORE doubt, more self-loathing. Especially KNOWING that I had an option that I had chosen not to follow up on.

There were times I believed it was only fair to give HER a choice. Other times, I felt that "I" deserved a choice for once... and a chance.
I like to think that I ain't skeert of nuthin'.... but, I was SCARED of this! It was ONLY with the help of my friends here on CAD that I came to the right decision. I don't think I WOULD have... on my own.

I played golf with my Dad a month or so ago, and afterwards he told me how my game had changed for the better, and how it was at least partly due to a change in my attitude. He said that he noticed that I was much happier now that I found Denise. And he has seen my worst days!

I'm glad it shows. I'm glad that I can FEEL it. I'm glad that I can wake up every day and no matter how bad things might be.... just one thought of her and I can deal with it. And most days aren't that bad. I see colors I hadn't seen in years. I smell things on the wind. I laugh at cats playing in the backyard. I can LAUGH at myself again without secretly hating myself for whatever was the cause.

I'm learning to "connect" with people again. And, suddenly.... I want to live forever. lol.

Yes, and thank you GMAN. But, it doesn't FEEL like I'm building anything. It feels like I have a "partner" now in a relationship I always felt in my heart. She has been so great in all of this. A bit of stumbling at the beginning, but... mostly, just some kind of "picking up" from where we SHOULD have been at this time in our lives. Does that make sense?

Not saying it's like I had "raised" her. That probably was never in the cards. But, under normal circumstances, she would have KNOWN me and we would have shared life along the way. But, she has made it feel like we were always in touch. Almost like we didn't "miss" anything. Yet, I know we did.

But, one thing's for sure. I will NEVER lose her again. And my new life will only get better because of her.

Dealing with an adult child is different than a youngster. I think that most children want to be a part of their parent's lives and vice versa. It is natural. There are things that children can learn from having a good relationship with their parents. And, I think that parents can learn from their children. You did lose out on the early years, but now have an opportunity to build a good relationship from now, not only with your daughter, but with her children. It is good to see you both put forth the effort to work on your relationship.

You will probably know about the new job shortly. If things work out you should be able to see your daughter more often. That should be good for both of you.

Hi. I am both a mother and a daughter.

NNnnoooo. (sing-song-y voice) I'm not going to tell you, you'd be better off not talking to your daughter. You're not Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black. You're not going to go watch them hang out in the front yard, while they play, unaware of your presence. Why? Because it's a dishonest way of living. The best way to not be destructive, as you say, is to be honest. And yes, she could have contacted you as an adult, in the past 10 years. Right now, that takes some of the guilt off of you. You don't own her part in it, no.

You say, "trucking is not for wusses." Good. Then you have some tough skin. Parenthood is not for wusses, either. No matter how old she gets, you are still the "leader" in the relationship, to a certain extent. On the other hand, you may have to follow her signals on her comfort zone, letting you back into her life. For example, starting with a face-book communication, email, etc., long before a phone call or face-to-face meeting. Internet and electronic communication might allow her time to get comfortable. What you wrote above is very touching and you might even consider letting her read this piece, someday soon after you do contact her. The one thing you haven't experienced through years of parenting is that we're all human. I have apologized many times to my children for my shortfalls. It's been good for all of us. It gives them an outlet to be able to admit they're not perfect, either, and they learn to admit their shortfalls and to forgive as well. I read once, that as a mother of a newborn, I would make at least 10 mistakes a day. After almost 22 years, I'd like to be able to say that number is lower. Parenting or "Fathering" takes practice.

You run the risk of being completely rejected. That's a risk you'll have to take. It won't hurt her to know you love her. At least you're there for her to reject and at least she'll know you were willing to walk through fire for her, now.

Girls need their daddies - dysfunctional or not. She's better off with you IN her life than without. And you are, too.

Be prepared for some backlash. If you get to a point where you and she can be honest about your feelings, she may express a lot of anger and resentment. You obviously love her very much, so you'll probably be willing to allow her to get those emotions out on the table. Don't forget your dignity. You're the parent, so there are limits to how much she can dish out - in other words, she probably shouldn't be permitted by you, to become abusive over it.

It would be good for her to know that you are interested in being in her life. It would be good for her to know you have regrets and that you'd rather go through hell just to get to know her than never try at all. It would be good for her to know that although you weren't there for the first 30 years, you'd be there for whatever she needed, in the following 30 and beyond. (I STILL need my Dad for advice. He's 82! Do you know how cool it is to draw on advice from someone THAT experienced in life?) It would be good for her to know that her mother isn't perfect either and that there are always two sides to the story. My parents divorced when I was a kid and my mother bad-mouthed my dad for years. Come to find out, she wasn't so perfect and he had good reason to WANT to leave. She had her part in it, too. But she never admitted that part and I think that's unfortunate, as she's gone now, and my brothers still think she's infallible and my father to blame for everything, la la la.

You never know till you try: she may surprise you and be very welcoming. Don't confuse her mother's anger for you over hers. Her mother may be much more rigid about you contacting her than she is. However, her mother has no right, whatsoever, to interfere with your personal relationship with your daughter, now that she's fully grown. And by the way, this should be very liberating for you: What her mother thinks of you, says of you, whatever, is not only none of your business but nothing you should ever care about, from now on. You are your own man, you did make a life for yourself and that's that. You want to see you daughter. That has nothing to do with her (the ex.) Not being used to sharing your daughter with you, time-wise, she might be very jealous and may try to thwart your efforts. Eh, you expected that, right? Shrug it off. Shrug it off in front of your daughter, too. It would be good for her to see you set the example of behavior. You may find you'll want to apologize to your ex for all the pain and hardship you caused. You don't need to do this on your knees or in an undignified fashion. Apologize well and genuinely ...once. Move on somewhat, humbly but don't be crawling under a rock, like you're a worm. You're a man. We all do our best. Sometimes we fail. Life goes on.

(My ex has been gone several years and is fully involved with the kids' lives, as much as he can be, long distance. When he comes back for visits, I try my damnedest to stay out of the way and let the kids enjoy their dad as much as they can. I despise him for leaving them, but they do not. They are very forgiving and adore every moment with him. They are permitted to love him as much as they want, no matter what I feel about him) Your daughter may feel all twisted up, loving you, because she might be afraid that equals disloyalty to her mother. Wrong. She can love you both and may even have to fight the two of you off from putting her in the middle. My father almost never, ever had a bad word to say about my mother. Wait, lemme rephrase that: He had plenty to say about my mom but he never did it in front of me. That kept ME out of the middle. It was a nice gift to me, on his part.

When my kids asked me why we divorced, I tell them it's because, "We both screwed up." Your answer should be the same. Your marriage failed because you both screwed up and your daughter is never to blame. (You have to clarify that part because at the time, in her mind, you "left her too." Sorry. She needs to know you never wanted to leave HER ...and then explain your thinking at the time and how it evolved.) You did your best, ok?

If you get to where you can have a relationship or some interaction with your grandchildren, you will get some real joy out of that one. Grandchildren won't care about all the mess from the past. They'll just want to know what you are giving them for Christmas! The relationship between grand-parents and grand-children is far more low-drama. They might even want to hear all your truck-driver stories about the road. I never met any of my grandparents (they all died by the time I was 3 months of age) and would have "killed" to have any ONE of them be able to show up for "grandparents' day" at school. I would start sending your grandkids Christmas gifts every year, this year, no matter what.

You missed the first opportunity to be in her life. So be it. Try to make amends. This would include your heartfelt apology for all the pain you caused plus your promise to always be there whenever she needed you, from now on - maybe written in your own handwriting ...on paper, so she can read it over and over again. Take advantage of this opportunity. You're afraid of all the "stir" and "mess" you'll cause, well ...if she's a mom, she already knows that life is messy.

Stay in contact with the neighbors who pushed you to sign up for face-book. They sound like good friends. I'm not a big fan of face-book network but it's probably providing the opportunity for hundreds, maybe thousands of people like you, to get back together with long-lost family members.

Good luck, Daddy.

-A
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