Oh, wow. Looks like you've already started the process. I'm not used to the "thread" thing and just saw all the messages above. Very cool.

It's okay. I almost felt sorry, reading your long post, that you invested so much without reading the end of the story. But, then I enjoyed what you said so much, I'm glad it worked out that way. Thanks for taking the time... and for the support.

You can send a private message thru facebok and only she will see it good luck

Thanks, but here's a tip: If you can't read the whole thread before posting, please read a few of the last posts before responding. We're on page 7. You are apparently still on the first page. I'm pretty sure ALL message boards operate in a similar fashion. Just sayin'

...reminds me of how behind my log book usually is/was...depending on what the definition of is, is. :o

There's no excuse for being behind on a log book. That being said.... I am still puzzled by a certain provision in the reg concerning ROD's. It seems that, IF you have the last 6 (or 7) days logs in your possession.... you are supposed to be given TIME to bring the current day's log up to date. WTF? I thought it was supposed to be current as of your last change of duty status! If I can totally "fudge" the current day's log.... I can do almost anything!

But, this is off topic! SO far off... it seems.... that, I guess, my thread has run its course! BUT.... I got 7 pages out of it! lol!

But, wait! I promised another discussion of what finding my daughter has COST me! THAT should be good for another page or two!

So... let's get down to it before I lose my audience for good! ;)

First... as everyone who has read the thread knows.... I stopped paying child support shortly after my ex-wife took my daughter overseas and I got NO info on where she was or how to contact (let alone ever SEE) her again. I've read that it takes somewhere around $200k to raise a child up to (or maybe including) college. [I think the figure was a bit lower 30 years ago when she was born.]

So.... I have "skated" on that. NO other way to say it. As I've said... I've made my peace with my decision, but that doesn't mean I don't realize what my wife and her new husband paid to raise "our" child!

Of course, there was the "anullment" of our marriage by the Catholic church. So... SOME might say I was "morally" (if not legally) absolved of that responsibility.

I never quite saw it that way. What I saw was that I didn't want to throw my money away on raising someone else's kids. Or, on whatever else I had no control of... and no benefit from.

But, even in the deepest of depressive states, when I would drink and cry myself to sleep over missing my daughter, I dreamed of the day that I MIGHT know her again... as an adult.... or younger. And I made MYSELF a promise. I promised myself (and her... in absentia) that I would make sure she had a college education IF that was the only thing I could do!

Truthfully? At that time.... there was NO way I could have done it. I went through some really bad years! But, I have always known that I could DO whatever I needed to do. Then, I found her! And, almost everything was forgiven between us. But.... nothing was forgotten by me.

Just as I once said, "my whole life would be a lie if I didn't take this chance to communicate with her," so it would be if I welched on my own promise to myself!

Thankfully, my daughter DID go forward with a college education (before I found her.) And, thankfully, I am in a better financial position now (though still coming out of bad times.) I'm sure her "parents" helped her with her first two years... which were years ago... but, she recently graduated with an Accounting degree at this advanced age. She has two kids to raise.... and a student loan. NOT a huge one, but.... large enough!

She didn't ASK for anything from me. But.... this was my moment to step up and prove to anyone who might question it, that I WOULD help support my daughter! So.... I have told her that I am committed to paying MOST of her college loan off. My part will come to about $30k. [Only $40k total.] This will relieve alot of stress, I hope, for her as she embarks on life with a family to raise.

I am not unaware that this will be $30k less that I could have saved or invested for my retirement (which I am late to start funding.) But, that makes no matter to me. My WORD is my BOND! That is how I have always lived. I will be making payments for the next 10 years. And that is all the years I have left to work before I hope to retire. If I have to work longer... I will. Probably would have had to anyway. If I have to eat beans and rice in my old age? I will! I have done it before.

And, I have done more.... and will continue to. I remember all the help I got from MY father through those tough years starting out. I am not trying to "buy" her love.... just as my father never considered it that way. I truly believe she is coming around to SOME kind of "love-type" feeling for me. She's getting used to calling me DAD when she originally thought she might not be able to. It's ONLY been about 6 months! We've spent some time together... which was essential to our relationship and our future.

Anyone who thinks... and would want to opine... that she may be "playing me," just keep it to yourself. I'm WAY ahead of you in that department. IF it should happen that way... I probably DESERVE it! But... I think I know my daughter. She is JUST like me! lol! I've ALWAYS "known" her.... even tho we were apart. And, this is something I need to do for ME. And.... it was MY idea.

There's a little bit more.... but, I think I want to see where THIS goes first.

I don't see your situation as you skated on anything. You were paying support, until they cut you totally out of the picture, and didn't want your money, or anything from you. Matter of fact, they stole your daughter from you, by making it impossible for you, to be in the picture in any way.... at least that's my take, and they robbed your daughter from her true father, even lying to her for years. Screwed you up big time too.

Keeping a promise you made to yourself is good, it's huge, if you still feel the promise is valid, and not something made up out of raw emotion of misplaced guilt.

You too have to find peace and healing, to be able to move forward, and however you choose to include yourself in your daughters life, it's a huge blessing.
Help her however you can, and don't forget to take care of no.1 :)

I am glad that you have established a good relationship with your daughter. What her mother did was wrong and may have contributed to your "liberalism." lol.

it's nice to see that you're moving forward with the relationship and now experiencing other aspects of being a dad, not just the surface feel good hi how ya doin', isn't it a beautiful day stuff. grasshopper is making some jumps! :p ;)

LOL, GMAN... you continue to crack me up.

In all fairness... most of what her mother did, was controlled by HER mother. And it started even before we got married. I still have (some) feelings for my ex, and she is basically a very decent person. I don't think she would have acted that way on her own.

Yes, it was very important to me to NOT just get "the good stuff." I gotta tell ya though... sometimes, the realization of the "permanence" of this life change scares me. I have always been able to "walk away" from jobs or situations that I didn't have the patience for. That's pretty much what happened way back then. But.... this is "till death do us part." lol.

Once I took that plunge and contacted her, I knew there was no going back. But, I can't say I totally understood what that meant. I'm NOT regretting it in any way! I'm just saying that this is "alien" to me. I have always had "commitment" problems. I'm having to learn at an advanced age what that really means. I NEVER wanted to hurt my daughter, which is why I thought she might be better off without me, but.... now I have to do the work to make sure I don't! You can't just say, "oops... I'm not ready for this" after you've stepped in it. lol.

I have read stories (some on here) about fathers who "showed up" only to leave again. There's no way I could live with myself if I did that! There are some things that are not going as well as I'd like... but, it is still early. Good or bad, I'm in it for the duration.

I have always been the "adult child" of my parents. And, luckily I have been well aware of the pain I have caused them. It helps me now, to understand my own feelings when she doesn't respond exactly as I wish she would. All in all though, I feel that I am equipped to handle my own emotions. But, it is all so new.

Roadhog said:

That's pretty much the way I saw/see it, too. They COULD have had me pay court ordered support... but, that would have meant signing the paper that gave me legal rights to her (and giving her MY last name.) THAT is what they would never do. And THAT is what caused my feelings of "alienation of affection." THAT would have required them to make sure I had visitation rights... like whole SUMMERS with her since she was out of "state/country." These are the things that fathers GET for their money... and they didn't want me to have them. So... they got nothing more.

Now... that is my "legal" take on it. But, morally? I have still always felt that I was in the wrong. I am STILL trying to learn to forgive myself for that. Considering all of the emotions, fears and actions surrounding those events.... I still believe that "I" was the only ADULT in the room! And in that regard... I let myself down as well as my daughter.

Yes... they did that! Ruined nearly 30 years of my life. I will never get those years back. Yet, I just can't find it in me to hate them for it. I don't see any prospect (at this point) of ever having a "normal" EX-relationship with her mother. But, I'd really like to. I think THAT, too, would be good for Denise. But, who knows what the future will bring. I suppose I will have to face her at my daughter's next wedding. I'm scared to death of that! But, maybe it will be a catalyst to even MORE healing.

Thanks, Hog. I needed that. To be honest, I had almost forgotten about it. I didn't consider it when deciding whether or not to contact her. It's NOT a "new" promise, and never WAS made out of some feeling of guilt. It was just a "bargain" I made with myself that helped me deal with the fact that I wasn't sending money to some place I didn't even KNOW where to send it. I was concerned that "they" might not make her education a priority, and I felt that it was the best thing I could do "in absentia." I MEANT to be saving for it all along.... but, I had those very lean years when my business wasn't even supporting myself!

Once I found her, it didn't even come up right away. Not until this July did I even know she HAD an outstanding student loan, and from what SHE told me... she should be able to make enough to pay it off herself. I could have just stayed silent... but, I have to look at myself in the mirror every day. In a moment of weakness, it crossed my mind to "skate" on that personal promise. Yes, I'm human. But, How could I BE the man I wanted to be, and the father I wanted her to know and accept (maybe love,) if I didn't respect myself? It took about 2 seconds for me to get on the puter and tell her about my "plan." And again... once I said it, there was no going back. This WHOLE experience has been much like jumping headfirst into a pool of cold water! I DID that the first day I spent with my grandkids. lol! I didn't want to do it... in a way... but, when I looked at those little faces who were expecting me to play with them in the pool.... there was no way I could back out. I have learned that there are "responsibilities" that come with family... and I trust that there will be rewards for doing the right thing.

I feel that I am moving forward regardless. lol. I have no choice... and the alternative was stagnation, depression and a wasted life. There are no virgins waiting for me in some "netherland" regardless of what I do. Just "moving" is a form of "healing," and I have already FELT "peace" compared to what I lived with for 30 years! My parents will be gone in the near future (dreading THAT!) and my siblings have families of their own. I have increasingly been aware of my own mortality lately, and stoic as I am, I was not looking forward to living out my last years alone. I hope and believe that my relationship with my daughter will grow over the coming years, and I REALLY hope that I will have the relationship with my grandkids that will make my life worth living. They are still a bit young to understand... but, with time... I think we will be "best buddies." One of the first things my daughter said to me (expected of me) was.... just be GOOD to the kids! You could say she put me on notice! lol. That's fine. That is my second chance!

Well... I guess that's all I got to say right now. My daughter just messaged me wondering where I've been! She wondered why I didn't include a smiley face or a "heart you" with my last check. Gotta go be a "DAD" for awhile! lol.

Ain't life GREAT?

Hitching a ride on Santa's sleigh the day after Christmas and going to ABQ to spend 5 days/nights with my daughter and grandkids. She's going to be in WA state for Christmas day, so I'm gonna go the day after. Returning on New Year's Eve so my grandkids don't have to see me wearing my lampshade! lol.

Thinking seriously about moving out there soon. Even my parents agree that my life SHOULD be out there with MY family. I have always loved the West, but couldn't see myself living out there by myself. Now, I have a reason.

And yes.... I asked her to honestly say that she wanted me out there. She does.

Any thoughts on this?

Nothing really to update at this time. Looking forward to going to ABQ in less than two weeks! Can't wait to see my daughter and her kids! She told me just today that they are excited about me coming. This will be my best Christmas EVER!

If any of you have to stop in ABQ between Christmas and New Year's... let me know. I'd love to come and meet you.

Hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas! Hope you get to see family. Be safe on the roads... and thank you all SO much for the advice and encouragement you've given me here on this thread! I might not have made the right decision without your help!

Sounds like fun Hobo, and I hope you get good weather to enjoy. :)

I'd love to see New Mexico again, and always enjoyed what little I was able to see along hwy 10, 25 or 40.
I guess a move there won't interfere with your job, eh?

Winter is coming on strong where I live. Our lakes have all froze, so I'm out ice fishing already.
It's cold and windy, and nature up here will thin out the herd.
You read about the Darwin Award winners in the local paper. :p

Weather forecast looks like sunny and about 45 or so. Works for me! I like snow, but want to be free to move about the city as I will be looking at houses and trucking companies.

Unfortunately, Fedex only has a small satellite terminal there. No "linehaul" team operations like I do now. Dont' think I can make as much doing local trailer "spotting" and such... but, I will be talking to the manager there to see what's available. I'm thinking that I will either have to find another job/company based out of there or.... buy my own truck and lease on with Landstar or someone (where I can live wherever I want.)

Knowing that you are healthy enough to be ice fishing again... and will NOT be "thinned out of the herd".... is one of the greatest presents I could receive this year!

Still... nature IS very tough up where you are. If you ever decide you need to "retire" to the warmth of the Southwest.... let me know. I could use someone to argue with in my old age! And if you keep your "cabin" up there... we can always go visit at times. I'd really like to go ice fishing once in my life.

I know you'll never leave the frigid north and the Sasquatch babes. But... the offer will always be open.

Open up a Bait Shop in AbbyQ, Hobo. :D

Haha! I'll look into it!

Hobo, if you are looking for a company in the west, you might give Gilner a call. They are based in Idaho and mostly run from Kansas west. I have a friend who ran for them for about 1 1/2 years pulling one of their reefers. He spent a lot of time in Washington, Oregon, California and over to Montana and Wyoming. Basically it was about 11 western states. They do come to Texas. I am not sure whether they come any further east unless you are a team. It might be worth checking.

Hobo look into Earl Henderson out of IL also they would Love to get a driver like you. Why you live on one of their Primary lanes aka I40 so getting you home would NOT be an issue.

Thanks for the tips GMAN and I.E. I've also considered Andrus. There was a time when I really wanted a company that drove the "Western Eleven." But... I'm reconsidering since I really hate the idea of chaining up. lol. There's also Mesilla Valley Transport out of Las Cruces (but their trucks are a bit on the slow side.) Anyway... I believe I read where they have several runs that come right here to NC and back. That might help me see the parents sometimes.

My "plan" was to buy a truck in about 3 years anyways. I may just have to move that up to sometime in the next year or so. I want the freedom to choose my loads a bit more. Stay out of the snow, get to NC occasionally, and do the speed limit (especially out West!)

Hobo with what Fuel costs anymore even the Bedbuggers anymore are running 65 or Less. Heck near me in the LR area I saw a guy pulling for Passport Transport get passed by a PRIME truck. Pressing that GO pedal real hard anymore is not as fun as it used to be with what Fuel costs are. Heck my wife who I swear is Ms. Mario Andretti at times barely breaks 65 in a 70 anymore.

You may check with Knight. They run all over. They also have a yard in Las Vegas.

Should make him stay put and pay off that big loan first.
Bet he finds a way to pay that off in less than a year. Then he can move. :)

…..tough love. :mad:

If you let him play Grandpa, he's gonna blow all his money. I know I would. ;)

Not much to update right now, but.... I'm leaving next Wednesday to go back to ABQ for her second wedding. Maybe, I'll post a pic of me in my TUX! She got her new house built... and the old one sold. So... she's obviously staying in ABQ for awhile.

We don't talk AS MUCH these days, but she's really busy. But, it is always good when we do talk. She really wants me in her (and the kids) lives! And that means a lot to me. In fact... I don't think I ever had a choice about being there for the wedding! lol.

Lincoln lost his first (two) teeth a few weeks ago, and Lana said, "Let's send a picture to Grampa Dennis!" What more could I ask?

Things are kinda falling apart at work, so... I better start looking out there with a bit more "intention."

If I make a change now, it would either be to buying and leasing on... or at least stepping up to a private carrier if possible. And, I think it is time for me to go solo.

Well... the wedding was great. Although I didn't get to give her away, I WAS escorted down the aisle to a front row seat as "one" of the parents. It was important to her that I be included. When it came time for them to light the "unity candle," guess who the closest (almost only) SMOKER in the room was? lol! [someone with a lighter]

I stayed at the Hotel Andaluz where the wedding was held. Had a very posh room in what was Conrad Hilton's first hotel (built in 1939) though now operated as an independent. 15 minutes before showtime, I realized I didn't know how to put on this FAKE tie that came with the tux! Should've just let me tie my own! Thankfully, the concierge was able to locate someone to come help dress me!

Had a wonderful conversation with her adopted dad Louis during the picture taking time. He is a very nice guy... and I'm so happy for that. Unfortunately, my EX pretty much (though not totally) ignored me through the whole thing. I would have liked to have a few NICE words with her.

All told... I had a great time. I'm not a big fan of weddings, but this one was special to me. Of all the things I missed in her life as she was growing up (including her FIRST marriage,) at least I can say I saw her get married. And of course, having my grandkids be ring-bearer and flower girl was just icing on the cake!

I'll be adding my facebook login to my sigline in the near future... in case anyone wants to see pictures. But, I have to wait for her to return from the honeymoon before I can get and post most of them.

As always... my immense and continued gratitude to so many of you who have cared and advised me through this search... and now... re-connection with my daughter. I couldn't/wouldn't probably have done it without you.

It's good to hear that things are still going good between the two of you

It is good to hear that you and your daughter are still close and things are going well. At least you are your daughter's "other" dad are getting along, even if her mother does ignore you. I think she probably resents that your daughter wanted to find you and may even be jealous of your relationship. How is the job change working out for you?

Update: Summer 2014

What a year! What a change in my life! it was actually more like 16 months ago that I first saw my (adult) daughter face to face. With a week in March "planned," I had the opportunity to be coming thru ABQ one weekend night about a week or two before that! She had all but INSISTED that I take that opportunity for us to meet. Probably a good choice, as it allowed her to bring "backup" in the presence of her best friend.

I will never forget that night as long as I live. Then... a week or two later, she came out here and spent a week with "us." She must have felt like a fish in a bowl! Everyone wanted to talk to her, ask her questions, shower love and adoration on her. I, unfortunately, needed to 'prove myself' to her... and she perhaps, felt the same way. We butted heads a little bit... but, came out of it with a good feeling about each other.

Then... there was the 5 days at the beach with the kiddos in early June. Stressful, maybe... but, a time for reconciliation and family bonding. It went pretty well, I think.

Went out there for a few days over Christmas, and had to share the kiddos with their "dad." But, it all went well. VERY well.

Went back in April for the wedding. She was NOT going to let me miss it.... and, I didn't want to! An experience I will NEVER forget.

THIS summer, the kids came east with their father. But, I was allowed (again, more like "encouraged") to come and spend time for my grandson's birthday in early June. THIS.... through the grace and understanding of their father (and his fiance.) Had a GREAT weekend with the kiddos and their father. Nothing beats standing around the grill with a beer in your hand and "hashing" out histories with your former Son-in-law (that wasn't.) lol. [I'll NEVER tell how much he told me about my daughter! lol.]

Tomorrow.... I will accept their second generous opportunity to spend some time with the kiddos at the NC ZOO. (they have a busy summer lined up with other family. I am blessed to have this chance.) It may rain... but, I just don't care! I'll be THERE!

Then, comes the end of summer, and HER time to drive out here and take them home for the rest of the year. They will be with their father and family members in Ocean City, MD for that last week of the summer. I don't think we will get to see them until the "handover" on the last day. But... WE will also be there that week! Me and her... and her new husband. My niece may also make an appearance (and maybe my nephew and his wife.) They all live in the Baltimore area.

I will miss my grandkiddos for this week.... but, I will get something I haven't gotten yet! 7 whole days with (mostly) just my daughter! REAL TALK! lol! Maybe an adult conversation or three! lol. Time to bond? Time to heal? Time to show her that my priority relationship is with HER?

I think she already knows that. She certainly seems to understand and appreciate it. And I believe... she has reciprocated to the extent that she can. In fact... she has "come around" to the point that she openly expresses her LOVE for me... and her unconditional "acceptance."

That is ALL I ever wanted. MORE than I thought I deserved or could expect. A blessing 30 years in the making.

I KNOW I keep saying I owe it all to you guys. But... that really IS true. You have no idea how LOW I was at that time. After seeing how beautiful her life was without me, it WOULD have been my inclination to, yet again, stand on the sidelines and "observe." Not wanting to disturb, willing to settle for a glimpse of her life (and what MIGHT have been for me.)

I would have "survived" (and been better off than I WAS.) I always have. But, I would never have learned to smile again.

YOU GUYS/GALS made me believe that it was possible. That it was necessary. That it was worth the risk.

I asked a question that I thought would NEVER come up. One that would complicate my life immensely. One I couldn't quite get agrippa on! lol.

And my CAD "family" didn't fail me! And for that... I love each and every one of you! And that is why I will always BE here. [sorry about that.] lol.

http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l2...go-montoya.gif

Have a great summer, my friend….. but…. joo keep using that word….

I do not think that word means what joo think it means...

I am glad to hear that things are still well between you and your daughter. It sounds like it has worked out well for both of you.

Well... it means what I WANT it to mean! lol.

Perhaps, someday... I will watch the movie again and pay closer attention. lol.

But, I STILL think you look like the villain in that movie! Post the picture! The one of you next to your "jeep" or whatever it was with the boat on top! I was shocked! [But, it DID explain why you are so desirable to the Sasquatch babes!] LOL!

All's well that ends well. ;)

Ah Hah!!
so you want to try again….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7zvffHu_wo

I've lost track of time. But, I think it's been 3 years since I first made contact with my daughter. Maybe only two... but it seems like more. I've spent several "weeks" with her and my grandkids for special occasions. "Caught her" a couple of times when I was passing thru ABQ!

My life has changed dramatically. For the better.

My daughter has totally accepted me into her life, and I have a wonderful relationship with my grandkiddos! But... I didn't know them when they were babies. Heck... I didn't even know my Daughter until she was about ONE! But... guess what? I have another chance!

My daughter remarried, and wanted to have a child with her new husband. I can understand that. But... WHOA... I'm not sure I was ready so soon! Yep... she's pregnant.

I'm gonna be a Grampa again! And THIS time... I will have to learn to deal with a little baby!

HOW am I supposed to tell her that I'm a grumpy old Trucker? That I have no room in my heart for someone who can't even DRIVE? lol.

I will have NO excuses, this time. I will have no defenses! I am doomed.

I will have to cuddle that bundle of flesh and DNA that is a part of ME.... look into her/his eyes... and question her on matters of Constitutional Law! lol.

This... is NOT... going to be easy! lol.

And I STILL have not forgotten that it was YOU guys/gals that made this happen! Thanks.

2-12-2013 post# 146 … that's on page 8 for me.
I don't know what that time adds up to, using common core math? :)

Congrats on the new Hobo in the family. May the child soften you up, grumpy… I mean grampy. hahaha

Well... you KNOW I'm not good at research, but... that was about the time I made contact. What I MEANT to say was... about 3 years since I FOUND her, on facebook, and started this process.

I guess I need to "nail down" some dates so that I won't be a babbling idiot in my old age. I FOUND her on facebook in the spring of 2012. I CONTACTED her in the spring of 2013, and had my first encounters with her almost immediately that spring.

In the spring of 2014... she got remarried and INSISTED that I be there! I made sure that I WAS! I had already spent about 3 weeks with HER and the kiddos!

I "stopped in" for breakfast with her, Aaron, and the kiddos (with my brother along,) about a month ago.

And we had plans (sort of) for a beach trip this spring. But.... it looks like I may have to settle for being there sometime this FALL.... when the baby is born!

Another dilemma! I don't want to "barge in" when her "other parents" are cooing over their new grandbaby! But... I don't want to seem unexcited!

I'm thinking a few weeks after birth... when things have settled down. Not Thanksgiving... OR Christmas... but, somewhere inbetween.

I would LOVE to be there for the birth... but, I think I'd be in the way, a distraction, perhaps.... a detraction.

But... there's a part of me that wants to BE THERE for this birth!

What would YOU do? lol.

I would ask her when does SHE want you there. This way she knows your interested in sharing this event.

That's a good idea Freebird…. :)

I guess i would time it to barge in when the ex is there, and pick a fight with her right off. The bitche has it coming to her! :mad:
Pick something simple to get the ball rolling, like make a snide comment on the gift she brought.

Then I'd go do some fishing on the lake nearby, tell lots of embarrassing stories and crude jokes, pine on and on about Shania, and over stay my welcome.