Found my daughter... now what?
 

What would YOU do??

After nearly 30 years, I have finally found, and have a (possible) communication link with, my daughter. My wife and I divorced when she was about 4 yrs old. Things were kinda ugly at first, but not as bad as some people experience. I thought I was doing the "right thing" to give them all some space, and see how things shook out.

To be brutally honest.... I thought she might be better off in life if she DIDN'T know me. But, I always hoped she would WANT to.

I suffered some deep depression over my decision. I waited for a phone call. It never came.

I despised myself for not being more aggressive in finding her as she got older. I guess I still do.

I felt I had nothing to offer her. I probably still don't.

Tonight, with the help and prodding of my neighbor, I joined facebook so that I could see if I could find her. It took awhile... but, I DID. I didn't send a friend request (of course.) I am considering what I should do.

She might never search for my name, might never know that I have found her and can follow her life. I could enjoy the pictures of my "biological" grandchildren without EVER disturbing her circle of "friends" and family.

But, all my LIFE I have wanted to reach out to her and explain why I was "forced out" of her life. Why I wasn't there for her. And how much I have loved and missed her.

Facebook wouldn't let me join with my nom de guerre, GolfHobo. If I send a "friend request" she will see my real name.... and she will KNOW it is me. All of her "friends" which include much of her family (including my EX) will KNOW that I am there. What a stir this could cause! I don't want to make ANY of them uncomfortable, or hurt them, or ruin their "safe" social network.

What would YOU do?

If you know where she is then you could find a less public arena in which to communicate with her. She very well could be just as curious about you as you are of her. More than likely she felt that you abandoned her. It will be up to you to reach out to her and make the first effort. You will never know until you try. If it were me I would attempt to make contact.

Only NOW do I know where she is. Right after my ex remarried, they were stationed to Germany. Then other places unknown to me. I never knew when they came back to the states, or where they settled.

It seems as though both her and my EX now live in Albuquerque. Funny.... everytime I go thru there I think about how much I would like to move there. I suppose I MIGHT find one or the other of them in the phone book there, but I doubt it. Most people only have cell phones now.

I have reason to believe that she is divorced. Her mother may also be divorced. She is using her "maiden name" ... not of the original family, but of the man who must have adopted her after marrying my EX. Perhaps, she never married the man who fathered my two grandchildren... I don't know. But, it sounds like she is about to get married in Vegas.

I would LIKE to find a less public arena in which to contact her, but.... all my efforts in the past have failed. NOW I find her, and I may have to make a VERY public "move" on facebook or just let it go.

Thanks for your reply and advice, GMAN. I am going to take it slow and think about it some.

I would still like to hear other's advice.

First....I think you need to take the "first step". I don't know if you can simply send her an email via Facebook or not....but if you can.....do so. I wish you good luck!

Second........Just because she may have something on her "page" saying she is going to be married in "Las Vegas".....do not think of Nevada. There is a Las Vegas NM....just up I-25 from Santa Fe. Very nice area. Very "Catholic" area too.

Thanks for the reply and advice Stan. Especially about Vegas. I had forgotten about THAT one. Yes, it is a beautiful area... as is Taos. It is very close to where my Ex's family is from. And my Ex's current husband comes from Questa. You could throw a horse blanket over Questa, NM to Garcia, Co and cover most of my "latino" family. But... most of them have "migrated" to Albuquerque.

About that email... I'm going to ask some young people who know how facebook works to see if I could send a "PM" type email that no one else would see. I don't want my first contact to be broadcast as a "post" on her wall! [IF I decide to make that kind of "frontal assault."]

Much of what I've learned about her and the family, I've learned from one of her cousins who has no sense of internet security. I mean... just reading the cousin's "page." By comparing the friends lists on many of the "friends" homepages, I was able to confirm that I had the right girl. This "talkative" cousin actually posted HER own phone number. Rather than posting anywhere.... I'm considering calling this cousin and asking her point blank whether or not she thought my daughter would like to hear from me. If she said "Gawd no!" it would be the END of it! But, I don't want to "spook" any of them! I don't want them to know that I am (or could be) "stalking" them on facebook! I don't want to throw a wet blanket over what seems to be a very loving, close and vibrant "family social network."

Perhaps, it is enough for me just to see her picture(s.) To KNOW that I have found her after all these years. To KNOW that she is doing okay.

You and Gman say it should be up to me to make the first step. Well, under the circumstances (since I found HER,) that would be obvious. But... she always KNEW my name. Her mother could have FOUND me if she had asked. People who knew about these things said a child would often look for the parent. She never did.

It's not that I'm afraid to make the first move. It's that I don't know if it would be welcomed. I don't know if it would do more harm. I don't wish to cause ANY of them any harm.

This is a very important issue for me. I've rarely posted in the family forum... cuz, I didn't consider myself to HAVE one. I've said very little on CAD about my daughter, mostly because talking about her always chokes me up!

Now... I would like some more opinions. Y'all know me... you know how destructive I can be. Won't SOMEONE here tell me to stay away from her??

Won't someone tell me it's okay if I do?

Read the COMMENTS on this little item. Again.... skip the article if you want (it's extremely short) but, read the comments.

Estranged Father And Daughter Meet By Chance After 41 Years

What does your "gut" tell you to do??

If everything inside you says to stay away and let it be....then that is exactly what you should do.

BUT........It seems to me that you are wanting to take that step.

A short message, "introducing" yourself and telling her that you "found her" and want to chat via email......might be a good thing.

Hopefully one of the lady's on here will pipe in with her opinion.

I can't speak as to what might go through her head. BUT....if you and the Ex had a bad relationship and a really bad break up.........then you disappeared completely.....she may well feel that YOU never wanted anything to do with her. THAT is on your shoulders to clear up, before she could possibly decide.....does she want to know you.

my 2 cents

I would make it known that the door is open and then respect whatever decision she makes.

GH Yes you can send a Private Message to her via facebook without a problem. How do you think I found an old Friend of mine from about 20 Years ago.

Just as a back up to other suggestions, I would like to tell you of my Mom and her Dad. Similar circumstances occurred with them (she hadn't seen him since the age of 5). At the age of 50 or so my Mom decided she wanted to get to know him and contacted him herself. For the last ten years of his life, my whole family got a chance to know him and love him. My grandmother was very upset about the whole thing, but she stayed out of it. Regardless of how little you may think of yourself, I feel you owe her the chance...

Yes, I would send a private message to her on facebook and then the ball is in her court. She may not respond until she is ready, but at least you will know that you reached out, which I feel will bring you a lot of peace... Worse case scenario: she doesn't respond... best case; you get a chance to build that relationship with her that you have missed so much... Best of luck... my prayers are with you.

Hobo after reading your post and the replies .... it lays close to my heart.

Short story ~ The last man I was engaged to was also a trucker, as a matter of fact we drove team ( he's now in heaven ). But before he crossed over he had told me of a 'son' he once had. Because of the bad blood between him and the mother - he broke off all ties. Also thinking it would be best for the Son ~ he didn't get to watch him grow up and enjoy his youth. I encouraged Ken to try and contact his Son, just to let him know where he was so if he wanted to talk or get to know him. Ken refused. .... The day of his funeral ~ his Son showed up to say "hello and goodbye", the young Man weeped buckets of tears ... when Ken's Son walked into the room everyone's mouth dropped to the floor. He looks so much like Ken, it was amazing. This young Man wanted all his life to meet his Father and get to know him. He didn't need to know all the trouble why his parents broke up and mess between them. He only needed to Know that his Father Loved Him ... Ken's Son placed an Award that he had gotten in school in his casket, so Ken would have a part of his Son forever. ....

The reason I tell you this ..... is because of the children ! They don't need to know of the bad words exchanged between their parents, or who's fault it was - - if any - - - why they couldn't make it as a family. It's not about pointing fingers ... That's not of great importance to them ............ They just want to know Their Loved. Start a new relationship with your Daughter .... Yes you can send a 'private message' to your daughter on facebook and don't have to be accepted as a 'friend' first. ................. Write her a short letter - without blaming anyone - and let her know how to contact you. When she is ready ~ she will respond to you. Remember one thing hobo .... No One .... has all the answers, and she just needs to know she has always been thought of and loved from a far. I hope the best for both of you ... A Daugher will ALWAYS need her Father ....

I agree with roses, well put. Open the door, everyone is different. If she needs answers she will ask as long as you let her know she is able to talk to you about "anything" and that you realy love her. She'll make her decision in her own time.

Children have a need in their life when they become adults and can see through clouded info told one-sided from the parent they had to stay with after a divorce. My sons both wanted to contact me after 7 years and luckily it was their mother that instigated the contact. The youngest was becoming a father and needed my advice. His girlfriend was pregnant and lived 1500 miles away. I ended up giving him a ride there. Our conversations were centered around why and what happened when he was younger and he now understood my side. All I can offer to you Golfhobo is if you make an attempt to contact her, be prepared for the worst if she feels betrayed. Be ready to answer many questions with total honesty and much regret. Try to make an attempt to start fresh as if you can, but be also ready for total rejection.

Thanks for all the replies and advice so far everyone. I'm paying close attention, and still giving it alot of thought. Somewhere around the house, I have that "dear daughter" letter that I wrote so many years ago... but never knew where to send.

i'd do a private message on facebook. but you need to set yourself up for the worst case. i mean, might be the best choice in your life to contact her might also be something hurtful. to me, i'd roll the dice and contact her.

It seems to me that if you don't take first that step that you will always regret it. You will always wonder "what if?" I would not be pushy, but just let her know that you always wanted to be a part of her life and had no way to contact her. You can also let her know that you would like to get to know her. You don't know what her mother may have told her over the years.

This seems like as good a place as any for me to give a little background (if y'all will bear with me.) I "passed" on a few chances early on to take steps that might have avoided my "regret." But, until now, I have been able to "wonder" what if... without taking all the blame.... or the responsibility.

I said things were a little ugly... but, nothing like most people endure. I have reason to believe that my ex never really "trash talked" me to my daughter. I respect her for that. The last (of 5 times within a year) that my wife "surgically" removed every belonging of hers AND my daughter's.... and left me to go home to Mama... she took our family portrait. Me, her and Denise. Months later, when I went to visit her with a plea for another chance at our family life together, she had that portrait hanging over her bed (in her parent's house.) I'm sure she took it down when she married the young man that she got pregnant from while we were still legally married! But, I'll bet my daughter has seen it.

There was a time (on my daughter's 12th birthday) when someone pronounced her name with a "masculine" accent.... Dennis, instead of Denise (she was named after me,) and she replied with a "happy tone" that that was her "Daddy's" name. This shows that she KNEW that her adopted father was not her "real daddy" ... and implied (to me) that she had not been raised with a negative impression... or no knowledge of... her real daddy. This was one of the events that led me to believe she might look for me someday. But, she didn't.

My daughter was born BEFORE my wife and I decided to marry and give a life together a try. For some reason, my wife didn't put ANY name on the birth certificate for the "father." And... after nearly a year of marriage, she still refused (at her mother's behest... I believe...) to sign a simple legal document giving OUR daughter MY last name. Ergo... I never HAD any legal "right" or "responsibility" to my birth daughter. I believe it was a "family" strategy to make sure that me and my "rich white parents" could never take their "golden child" away from them. [I've had this confirmed.]

But, when they kicked me out of the family, they wanted me to pay child support "if I ever wanted to see my daughter." So... I DID for awhile. But then, my daughter was taken overseas by her new "family." I never knew where they went, or when they returned. I had NO legal rights to my daughter and can you imagine the charges if I had tried to make contact with a MINOR that I had no legal connection to?

My checks were cashed by my MOTHER in law... who was the crux of the problem... who had a son and his WHOLE family living at home!

So, I stopped sending money.

I KNOW it was a bad decision. So... do I deserve to be cut off?

How can I EVER have a conversation with her that covers the causes of our split... WITHOUT placing blame where it lies? I will take ALL that is due me, but... is it ALL my fault?

You have said enough that it enforces the belief that You.......... Dennis......should take that first step and contact her. Just tell her you have been searching...and go one day at a time!

Thanks, Stan, for the reply. I was pretty sure I had lost MOST here on the board (since most are conservative) when I mentioned my "eventual" lack of child support. I don't really blame anyone who takes a negative stance against me as a result of that decision. I can only say that there are circumstances that I have not yet been able to disclose or explain. But, regardless.... I have been SOMEWHAT ashamed of that over the years. But, I was young and hurt... and somewhat vindictive. I felt cheated out of what the LAW says you get in return for that "support." Like visitation rights, or pictures, or something. I got nothing.

I couldn't send payments directly to my ex-wife, cuz she (and the family) wouldn't give me an APO address for her once she went overseas. Most of the time, they just hung up on me when I called. My "in-laws" didn't even have a PHONE! They sure didn't want me to have any contact with her... but, they wanted the money.

I did (at least) TWO things wrong in all of this. NOT sending the money after a time was one of the big ones! The other one I will relate in time... if anyone still cares. It's funny... my problems with Twilight stemmed partly from my unwillingness, or discomfort, in telling this tale. It's not one that I really wanted to tell. What I couldn't get around to doing in private with him... I am now doing in public with ALL of you. And that is how it must be. I have "unzipped" my fly and started this mess. I must be willing to suffer the condemnation of those who feel it is warranted. Nothing ANYONE can say could be worse than what I put myself thru over the years.

This was one of my guiding principles. Perhaps, it was just self centeredness, but I believed my child was as much (or more) intelligent than I. I counted on the fact that she would someday want to know the truth, and not believe whatever she had been told. I STILL believe she is... but, I was not prepared for the silence.

I am willing to talk to her, and tell her what I believe is the truth, about ANYTHING. But, how do I do that without placing at least SOME blame on people she knows and loves? It would not BE the "truth" if I take all the blame myself... but, ONE who is to blame is now her deceased grandmother! How can I talk about that?

Jayhop said:

Thanks for sharing that, Jay. I think I still have more than 10 years left. My mom was reunited with her siblings at 60+ years old. I think it meant a lot to her. But, that's another story.

Well, you nailed that one. You don't even know me, but you see how LITTLE I think of myself as a result of this. I've lived a life NOT worth living. Yet, you take the spotlight OFF of me, and put it on a life that might still be "enriched." Even if she doesn't want to know me, just answering her questions could make HER life better. If I could DO that.... it would be worth whatever pain I had YET to suffer.

Yes, I am still thinking of ME. I think of what I have lost. I am not convinced that it would help HER to know about me. If it would NOT... then, I can live with the life I chose. But, I would do ANYTHING to make HER life better. EVEN if that means staying OUT of it.

I know you are right. Just finding her has brought me some peace. Contrary to what some might believe, I have ALWAYS looked for her. More or less at times, but... NEVER did I "write her off." The question is.... would MY "peace" be detrimental to HERS? I am not willing to make that trade.

Worst case scenario... I screw up her life or her mind. I am prepared for rejection. I'm not sure I am ready yet for the "best case scenario." I appreciate your prayers (though I don't believe in them,) but I really appreciate your opinions and comment. Welcome to the board.... and THANK you very much for responding.

Hobo, you can contact her via Facebook as the other's have said in a private email basically. It would be up to her to keep it private though. She could post it on her "wall" for everyone to see or she could keep it private, again it's entirely up to her.

It sounds like your going to just have to ad-lib and be as honest as you can be. Good luck with it man.

4roses said:

Thank you for that, Roses. I knew you would understand. And that was going to be the sum of my response to you. Just to let you know that I understood what an effort it was for you to respond. We've had our "differences," as you may know. But, I've always cared about and respected you. The other reason I wasn't going to "respond in full" to your post was because I was in tears just reading it... and couldn't see how I could respond without flooding my keyboard.

I never knew how important this WAS to a person's mental health, stability and purpose in life. I didn't know how much my dad loved me and was "invested" in my life until I was an adult.... and I grew up with him in the home! His "focus" was always the Church and his "calling" from God. When I was young, he was gone most of the time. My early choices... wrong as they may have been... were mostly made in light of what I thought might be best for HER at the time. I've never been KNOWN for making the best choices.... I bought Beta when VHS first came on the market!

Well... I don't suppose that my daughter has lost much sleep over this. She's been kinda busy. I THINK she went to college and got a degree. I sure hope I'm right... but, it doesn't matter. She's had two kids... but, not until she was old enough to "plan" her parenthood! [More than I can say for her mother.]

I actually believe that my daughter has never felt that I didn't "LOVE" her. I don't KNOW if she has ever wanted to MEET me... and lord knows she can't benefit by it. She has a HUGE family of loving people that don't have MY problems. I think she has accepted that.

I would rather DIE than to have her think that she wasn't! She has had a plethora of "loving people" around her all her life. But, if I thought she felt "unloved" because I had not made contact yet... I would not hesitate, now that I have found her. Believe me....folks.... I have tried MANY times over the years. My parents tried many times!

So... you're saying that "I" don't have all the answers? Haha.... just messin' with ya. But... to a point, you are right. All these years I have relied on what "I" thought was the best thing to do. Maybe, I was wrong! But, even if I'd decided differently, finding her has not been easy. My "inlaws" didn't even have a house phone! Maybe, I should send her a picture of my living room. HER baby photos are on every wall.

Maybe she heard my father's prayers at EVERY family get-together. He praised the Lord, and then asked his "guidance" and protection for everyone in his family... including my daughter. My brother has a daughter (and grandkids) just one year younger than Denise. They have had the joy of THAT relationship, and the pain of MINE. [My sister also has children that have blessed my parent's life.]

I sure hope you're right! And I know the difference between "fathering" a child and raising one. The man who married my EX, (even tho he impregnated her while we were still married,) IS... and I always believed was... a good man! HE has been her "daddy" I guess, (tho SHE made a distinction.) HE deserves her dedication and LOVE! He certainly deserves MY respect!

With everything she really needs pretty much covered .... DOES she really need my love or "contact" at this point in life? Yes, I am glad that she is grown and I could be talking to a rational and educated mind. But, her life seems fine without me. I guess I need to know... or decide... If SHE would benefit in ANY way by hearing from me. It's no longer about whether "I" need her... okay, that's not true. I DO need her! But... I will continue to do what I think is best for HER. My life really no longer (or ever) mattered.

Thanks again for your response, Roses. It DOES matter to hear a woman's viewpoint.

Thanks, Mr. Ford. You are confirming what all have said about Facebook. I am now sure that I can send a private message to her. IF she wanted to post it on her "wall" for all to see, that would be up to her. I am not looking for that much "recognition."

Bad news is... she hasn't updated her facebook page in almost a year. Good news is that she posted lots of pics of HER and the kids before she lost interest. MORE good news is... if it's like other sites... she will get a "message" at her email address that there is a new PM on her page. How often does she check her email? I don't know. I'm pretty sure she will see it within a month or two if I send it.

It should be noted that, without the popularity of Facebook, I would probably NEVER have this chance! I've tried SO many avenues over the years, but Facebook is what made HER "accessible." She hasn't posted there in about a year. Not really what you'd call "addicted" to it!

I don't even know that she would see it now... but, I believe she will. NOT because she spends any time on Facebook.... but, because she will get a notice at her email address. Everyone checks their email now and then.

"You have a personal email on your Facebook page from [my name]" click HERE to read it.

Wow! What an intro to your father.

Okay... I've lost many of my conservative friends when I admitted I didn't pay child support ( for a child I didn't get to SEE or KNOW...) and I accept that.

Now... I'm gonna make the REST of you hate me. [I may have to resign from this site after this.]

I STARTED this thread... in THIS forum... to get advice from my respected "friends," and perhaps, to show that I am human. It was not easy for me to do so. I have NOT lied to anyone about anything... but, there is more to tell.

WHY? (some of you ask) would a man who claims to LOVE his daughter as I do... walk away and feel that his daughter would be "better off without him?"

My mother was "taken" from her mother by the State after her father died at 32 yrs of age... and the "mother" was proven to be "abusive." She tried to DROWN my mother in the sink... even tho my mom was the oldest and actually "ran" the household. My mother spent some years in orphanages and foster homes before being (finally) adopted by the only maternal grandparents I ever knew. Then she met and married my father.

When my brother and I played some 'games' on each other with the front door, and HE actually ended up BREAKING the lock and such... my Mom went ballistic. She had a hairbrush in her hand, and she attacked by brother with it. She beat him down over the arm of the couch... and kept beating him. I think she had a "breakdown" after that, and spent some time in a "state" hospital.

You see... I believe there is an "abusive gene" in my family... on my mother's side. I believe I inherited it. I have SUPER sensitive hearing. They called me "Ears" in the "service" cuz I could hear and identify different languages thru THROAT mikes on 4 different frequencies that I was monitoring. When they give me a hearing test, they give up after I go off the charts. Just two weeks ago I went "off" on a (mormon family of 20+) in Denny's because they couldn't at least "tone down" a screaming child. I can't really help it. If you can't HEAR these freq's... you can't know the pain.

Such is the screaming of a child who was never taught to sleep in her own crib.

I hit her. [not as bad as it sounds, but it is the truth.]

I don't remember if it was open handed or backhanded... but, does it matter? I physically assaulted my own child! I didn't PLAN it! It just happened. I immediately went to my bedroom, fell on my bed, and cried! My EX... to her credit... tried to console me. But, this was a shame I could not bear, and a future I could not allow.

So... months later when my EX had left me for the 5th time, after I warned her NOT to ever do it again, I "bailed" from this dysfunctional relationship. The "family" WANTED me to anyway... so, I did.

There are TOO many reasons why I walked away from that relationship/marriage to mention. But, one CERTAIN one was that I NEVER wanted to have a "repeat" of that night. And... there has not BEEN one!

I've had parents tell me... "heck, ONE smack? Nothing to worry about." But, I don't believe them. I would rather spend my life without my daughter's love, than to take the chance of EVER hurting her again. And, so I did.

But I hurt MORE now, and have for years, than I did that night. [More than I EVER thought I would...] If I had just thought of earplugs!

I'm sure NONE of you have ever hit your child, so go ahead and cast stones. I deserve it.

You can't hurt me more than I have hurt myself. But, I never hurt my daughter again.

Hobo here is something alot of people do not know about me since I buried it so deep I refuse to let it out of me again I was a survivor of Domestic Volience. Yes you heard it right I am a MALE Victim of Domestic Abuse from my Ex Wife that never went to the people since if I had she would have thrown ME in Jail since the police never and I mean Never believe the man in that situation. See after my strokes in 2001 my Ex realized that my personality had changed and she could do anything she wanted to me and I took it and refused to fight back and she did take advantage of it. I suffered emotional Physical you name it she did it to me things that made my theraphist go WHOA. Yet there was something building in my head that said to me all along this is wrong I know it. Finally one day IT happened I snapped she went to hit me again and I blocked her she grabbed the frying pan hit me in the ribs then I finally had had enough I walked out of the room and called the police I never had hit her. They came and saw she did not have one mark on her. The went YOU MAAM are going to jail I went no all I want is for her to give me my freedom aka I want a Divorce and she have better grant it or I will press Charges see I had a year from the Police report to do so.

I left the state of WI 6 years ago and have not been back since. It took me 4 months to get my life straightend out with almost daily therapy sessions then I met my current wife. Where did we meet at a Survivor of Domestic Abuse I was the only Man there and everyone there was like how did I let myself take it. Called I really had no choice with how unfair the laws are. Hobo either take that chance or you are going to regret it for the rest of your LIFE. I know if I had not taken that chance in 2006 I would be DEAD by now as she was ramping up the abuse on me. So either Fish or Cut Bait she is your Daughter it is time to get back in her life you need to be there for her. I know if I had a daughter myself with my Ex even though we did not luckily I would be moving heaven and EARTH and HELL to get back into her life.

Thats what I was going to sugest. Dig it out and add to it find her address and send it! An actual hard copy letter would be so much more personal then an email. God speed on your quest Hobo.

facebook only sends a notice to your email if you have your account set up that way..she may or may not..

Personally, I'm honored that you feel that we can help you with this.

Facebook can be setup to use any display name that you want to use, one of my daughters has a very secretive name that is displayed and very few of her friends have a clue as to what her real name is.

Both of you are probably agonizing over the same decision.

Go ahead and create a facebook account and if you want to keep some secrecy split your screen name into a first name last name. Then send a message thru facebook to her, if you hear nothing then try to send a friend request. What do you say,

Hello,

This is dad, I don't know if you want to hear from me after so long but I have an emptiness
in my life that I feel the need to fill it.


That's what I would do.

She may not ever know that you sent her a message if she hasn't been on facebook in over a year. BUT you will kick yourself in the arse if you don't reach out to her. She has a right to know that her father loves her and is thinking about her. I don't know anything about twitter, but maybe she has an account on twitter. I don't know how you could find that out. Good luck Hobo, and i hope you try to contact her.

I hit my kids, in love of course. Tho when they forge sick notes from me so they can skip school, Get not 1, not 2 not 3 but 4 tickets in less than a year. Jack my car insurance rates to obscene levels, eat all my food, sleep all day, make me raise my blood pressure just to get their butts out of bed,.........I run low on the love part.

Here's some tough love though Bo,

Whatever your reason, whatever your excuse, thats just what it is and always will be to a kid. They don't care that you had a hard life, or that you may or may not have some predisposing genetic disorder, that you were scared that you were stupid that you feel bad.


You want to make a mends to your daughter?

Accept responsibility and leave out all your reasons (they may have seemed good at the time or you feel it justifies ). All I know as a daughter that doesn't have much of a relationship with her dad. They don't care.

Say these works, " I ph u cked up, I failed as a dad." " I'm sorry!" There is no excuse for it and I hope you can forgive me and let me be in your life." " I will take what I can get." " I don't deserve your forgiveness or your time, but I would be honored to get it."


Oh and mean it. :)

Yeah, that was a real bummer when I found her and then realized she hadn't updated in nearly a year. Just my luck. Like Fredog said, unless she set up her account for "alerts," she might not see it for a long time... if ever. Of course, I could send a PM to her cousin who is on almost every day.

Repete: I agree with you about a handwritten letter. For many years, I wouldn't know where to start looking for her (although I did try all the cities I thought they might have settled in.) I still doubt that she is in the white pages, but does anyone know of some OTHER 'registry' where I might could find her address without knowing anything but her full name?

DLE: You are too kind. It is my honor that all of you have chosen to help, with so little (if any) judgement. I was not expecting this. Thank you all! BTW... I tried splitting Golf Hobo into first and last names, but those tekkies at Facebook were too smart for me! Still.... it seems as if it can be done. I must have done something wrong. I'll look into it again.

IronEagle: Thanks for your perspective. One thing you said about therapy rang a bell. Years later, I was in a relationship and the girl seemed to think that I was distant or something. That I didn't know how to love someone. So, I went to therapy to see if she was right. I think this whole experience with my ex and my daughter played a big role in how I relate to others. I don't even hold hands with my own family when we bless the food at holidays and get-togethers.

Sharlie: Thanks so much for your unique perspective. I hope it is a two-edged sword if she doesn't care. She might be angry at me for leaving, but maybe she will forgive me for whatever reasons I had.

hobo ... it's time to stop kicking yourself, because clearly your stepping up and taking responsiblity for a part of it.... That's all in the past - the Future is what's important now ! That's a big step ! ... As I said earlier, a Daughter needs her Father .... as well as she needs to know more about your side of the family some day ... It's kind of like people who search on Ancestor.com .. looking for their family. We get a better understanding of 'who we are', once we find out where our parents, grandparents and etc came from. I'm sure she's got questions on where her interest in area's of life came from, her likes and dislikes. ............. Example of what I'm trying to express here - My brother didn't get to see his Son for over 15yrs. due to the fact his ex ran off to another state and broke off contact with him (my brother) ... Once my Brother was able to locate his Son - - his Son came here where we live and everyone was so excited to see how 'alike' both of them were/are ... They have alot of the same interest, they walk alike, their like twins, but Father and Son ..... You contacting your Daughter will be helpful in so many ways .... Did I understand you to say Denise has children? .. Grandchildren ? .... That would be even a bigger reason to contact her ....... Grandchildren are God's gifts to Us .... their so forgiving - as well as you get to spoil them and get bunches of hugs ............ Don't hesitate - send Denise a message on facebook - someday she will check it and then she'll know how to get a hold of you......... If she is like alot of us, she may have several email addys and more than 1 facebook pages ... I know I do and forget to check all of them daily ... So take the big step hobo and let God do the rest of the work. God Bless.

Update:

It just so happened that on my return trip from Rialto (L.A. area) this week that I got to take I-40... which goes thru Albuquerque. I think I've told y'all how I always feel "drawn" to that town as I drive thru. Never KNEW that my daughter was there. I did a little research while sitting in the motel room for a day, and found two addresses and two phone numbers for her (through another registry.) So, which is current? Which MIGHT find her mother on the other end of the line? I don't know. So, I thought I would stop at the Flying J on the west side of town and look in the current white pages to see if she was there (and if the phone numbers matched up.) They were doing construction, and the entrance to the truckstop was blocked off. The detour signs were inadequate, and I ended up doing a roundabout and getting back on the interstate and breezing thru town. I DID stop a few miles east of there (the T/A in Moriarty) and checked the white pages for Albuquerque. Nothing matched. Like I said.... both phone numbers are probably cellphone numbers.

Just talked to my mom an hour ago, and she told me (for the first time) about some correspondence between her and my EX just after we split up. Mom made the effort to write HER and tell her she hoped we could work things out, but that it would take alot of LOVE. My EX wrote back and said she agreed, but didn't feel that the LOVE was there. I never SAID she was stupid! I think she made a valid point, and a choice. And she communicated it to my mom.

Proves that she knew HOW to contact my parents, and ME if she wanted to. [Or if my daughter ever ASKED her to.]

It is entirely possible that my EX was trying to "spare me" the life that she had "roped me into." But, she failed to consider the love and the bond between a father and a daughter. Might have been that she was already pregnant by her "next" partner in life. I'm quite SURE that the "family" told her that THIS time she would be married BEFORE the child was born! And, (I think) she was. .... but NOT in the eyes of (or with the sacraments of...) the Catholic Church!

I "kinda" made SURE of that. I TOLD y'all that I could be vindictive. I KNEW that under Catholic church law... she could NOT take "the sacraments" if SHE divorced ME. And so... that is the only option I gave her. I was in no hurry... (not pregnant)... and would probably NEVER marry again. [and never DID.]

One of my "conservative" burdens.... I BELIEVE in the sanctity of marriage. I told her that I would not contest a divorce... but SHE would have to divorce me.

Funny.... She and I, a PROTESTANT, were married in the local Catholic church, in her community. But... she and HE couldn't BE married in that, or any other (Catholic) church. I guess they settled for a "Civil Union" (or marriage) at the J.P.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I really LOVED getting married in that little church. I really loved the reception later, when I got to dance with all her (... MY) "family." I really LOVED being "accepted" into her family. I had high hopes.

Anyways....

I'm a little closer to a phone number or address. But, I'm not THERE yet. But, if I narrow it down, should I make a call? ... or send a handwritten letter? Or do the facebook thing?

I absolutely want (and intend to) narrow down one of these phone numbers to HER cellphone. But, I am not ready for a voice confrontation, until I know if it will be acceptable to her.

I wouldn't MIND doing the facebook/email "thing." Some of you might agree that I am pretty GOOD at getting my point across, with spellcheck, in a "textual" forum. When I can back up and "correct" typing or speaking errors!

But, I actually prefer the handwritten letter form of communication. The letter I wrote her just a year after our separation, would not do NOW. But, I might send it to her someday. I would prefer to send her a "new" written letter now. But, how do I disguise it? How do I KNOW she will ever get or see it?

Solution:

Her birthday is coming up... May 29th. I'm sure she will get several (if not lots of) birthday cards in the mail. NO ONE will be checking them! I don't think they will notice the lack of a return address on one envelope. She will probably just open MY card along with many others. And.... Boom!

It will either MAKE or RUIN her day! But, the words will be in my own handwriting.... and will be full of HOPE for her and for her special day.

Some here have said SHE has that right. Others affirm that it is MY responsibility to make that first contact... however bumbling!

Anyway you look at it, after reading all of these responses, the consensus is that "I" must make a choice and a move if that is what I feel is best.

.... I always KNEW that! I just wanted to HEAR y'all SAY so.

Now that I have found her (more or less,) it is up to ME to make contact. To NOT do so... would be to invalidate the struggle I've lived for so many years. To continue the belief that she is better off without me. I don't KNOW that!

I know she has a GOOD life... without me. And I don't want to upset that. But, I don't know that she isn't suffering some questions of her own. And I have no problem answering those questions. [I'll use my "inside" voice.]

I don't know MUCH about the trials and tribulations... or the responsibilities of being a "dad." ... and I believe some of us should be "barred" from the experience. But, THAT would imply that there was a GOD who sat on his throne and decided WHO should get pregnant... and when. And THAT is what my EX believed was the best method of birth control. 98% of catholic women are on the pill. I hooked up with one of the 2 percenters!

I always believed I would find my daughter someday. And, I did. But "stalking" is not "knowing."

I am leaning towards taking the chance.

A willingness to discuss a pain or a hurt is showing the willingness to heal.

Sounds like a plan to me, only 1 question - can you wait that long?

Looks like you have a plan .... good luck.

Make the call......

Dennis, I am on both sides of the absent parent/child situation. My mother and father married shortly before I was born and divorced when I was about 5 years old. My mother always made it difficult for my father to stay in contact with me and he decided when I was about 8 years old to break off all contact until I was older because one of my aunt's told my father that my mother would put me through the third degree about what happened at my father's house until I was crying. Well, when I was 14 years old, I was riding my bicycle around the corner from my mother's house when this car with a man, woman and 3 small children stopped and the man waved me over to ask my if I remembered him. I told him that I did not but he told me his name and that he was my father and we talked for about 15 minutes on the side of the road. We have been in contact ever since and I felt so close to him by the time I was 23 years old that I had no problem with him adopting my then 2 year old son. That child (now close to 24 years old) and I have always remained in contact.

When it comes to my now almost 19 year old daughter, she was adopted outside of the family when she was 7 years old and I have been looking for her every so often on Facebook and through Google searches and I just found her, sent her a private message through Facebook and sent her a friend request. I had been doing my Facebook search incorrectly because I was always using her legal birth first name combined with either her birth last name or her adopted last name (I was just lucky that she was adopted by a teacher at the school that she, her step-niece and step-nephews went to) and, when she registered with Facebook she used the shortened version of her first name - I ended up finding her by only entering her adopted last name and clicking on the link to only search among the people on Facebook and scrolling through about 15 pages of names. I am just hoping that she will want to be in contact with me which my mother-in-law and mother both think is the case because of the amount of information that my daughter left public on her profile.

So, what I am saying is that you can be making worse either way you go but you could also make things MUCH better (like my dad did) by at least attempting to contact your daughter. It mostly depends on your daughter's attitude towards you as to which way the contact can go.