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-   -   Found my daughter... now what? (https://www.classadrivers.com/forum/family-support-forum/42354-found-my-daughter-now-what.html)

Roadhog 06-04-2012 11:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hobo
If some of you wanted to nod your head and say, "see... God works in mysterious ways" or something.... I could not totally debate the thought. After all... I was the one who often told myself that I was not in a position to offer her anything if I found her. Now I am. And NOW I found her.

The implications of that are not lost on me.

Good...we'll work on your liberal disease next. http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l2...10/s6vhaha.gif ( though I doubt even God holds much hope there...yer pretty far gone, ya know? ) http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l2...nd10/shrug.gif

golfhobo 06-05-2012 12:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roadhog (Post 512024)
Good...we'll work on your liberal disease next. http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l2...10/s6vhaha.gif ( though I doubt even God holds much hope there...yer pretty far gone, ya know? ) http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l2...nd10/shrug.gif

So... you DOUBT God? Are not "all things possible" through him? Just sayin'.

Don't forget.... Jesus was a Liberal! LOL.

Roadhog 06-05-2012 04:41 AM

No... I just don't think we should ask for a miracle.
I'm hoping we're still talking rescue, and not recovery... http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l236/Leland10/56.gif

golfhobo 06-05-2012 05:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roadhog (Post 512038)
No... I just don't think we should ask for a miracle.
I'm hoping we're still talking rescue, and not recovery... http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l236/Leland10/56.gif

LOL! I get the joke, Hog. And I have to say, given our history, I am impressed with your "fidelity" to the "commission" of your faith. Lesser men (or Christians) would have given up on me long ago. I actually believe that you MEAN what you said.

I have tried to remain "agnostic" on the religion issue. I am not yet willing to jump to the atheist camp. But, it is hard because I don't believe in being a "fence sitter," either. I think it is a cop-out to "pretend" to be agnostic if you really no longer believe. And I just can't quite muster the "belief" that some of you have.

I could SAY I believe... just to cover my butt. But, I don't believe that false claims are worthy of a man who values his word and principles. And, I know from scripture that it would gain me nothing. [If it is all true.]

I could not BE a "practicing" Catholic or Baptist. I can't just "do the thing" on Sundays and pretend that I am covered when I die. I'm kinda an "all in" type of guy. But, I'm not dogmatic. I understand that there is a "possibility or probability" that I am wrong. As I've always said.... I'm a Centrist.

I have not forgotten the conversations between you and Twilight about how I could be a power for good if I could be "convinced." I'm not sure any of you would like me any better if I were. I'd be stepping all over your toes on a regular basis! LOL! Did I ever tell you that at one time I thought I was "called" to be a preacher?

I apologize for going so far off topic (in my own thread.) As you said, on THIS thread we are friends, and I feel more comfortable talking about myself here. It will probably come back to bite me in the azz.

But, it feels good.

Roadhog 06-05-2012 06:04 AM

It's kinda simple...
the godless worry about what everyone else thinks.
A Christian only worry's about what God thinks.

This world is presently ruled and influenced by Satan, and that is why we have all this chaos and division going on.

You might be surprised to know I have a problem with all the churches and faiths, and view them as false.
The Christianity I follow does not have an earthy church building. My faith is as much the old testament, as the new. Both are extremely relevant and alive, and hold keys most will never be given in this age. Most are not called right now. I mean it... the number of individuals God is working with today, is a very small number. They will be the First Fruits, and a part of God's government, once Christ returns and takes the throne from Satan. Gods' government is in a nut shell. modeled on the Family.

golfhobo 06-05-2012 06:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roadhog (Post 512046)
God's government is in a nut shell. modeled on the Family.

Then I am doomed. I respect my father SO very much for what he IS and what he has done... but, I don't "honor" him in the way I live my life. I love my mother, but... I don't do things for her like I should. [She understands that.] I certainly did NOT put my daughter and my wife above my own ideals and requirements for my "family."

I gave UP on having a family, and all that entails. There will be no one left to attend my funeral.

If I believe what you say, then I condemn myself. If I choose to disbelieve it... YOU (or your belief) condemn me.

Quote:

This world is presently ruled and influenced by Satan, and that is why we have all this chaos and division going on.
And, if you are wrong? Then there must be another reason for all the chaos and division. We can sit back and say that it is all part of "God's plan," or we can face reality and DEAL with the problem ourselves.

Just food for thought.

Roadhog 06-05-2012 07:50 AM

I know I make it sound pretty blunt.
We all have a purpose though, and it would take a bit to explain.
Until we live under Christ's rule, only a few will be called in this life, to bare the witness.
There is a good reason for that... it's a pretty dangerous job, ...one, no sane man would want.

We live under Satan's rule... so think about this, Satan wants to distort all of God's ways.
What would he attack most? God's very foundation of governing... the family structure.
We are all part of God's family, but none of us are going to be able to live in a pleasing way to God, under Satan's rule.
Satan can influence us in the most powerful or subtle ways...so much so... God says Satan will deceive the whole world.
The family is torn apart, because it's the foundation of God, and it effects all life on earth.

It allows people to "blame" God for all this madness... but the madness is not coming from God.

What else would be great to distort and make a complete joke? The Church.
That is why we have so many churches, when there is suppose to be only one True Church.
It makes Christianity look foolish and nothing but nonsense. http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l2...nd10/shrug.gif

Roadhog 06-05-2012 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golfhobo (Post 512048)
Then I am doomed. I respect my father SO very much for what he IS and what he has done... but, I don't "honor" him in the way I live my life. I love my mother, but... I don't do things for her like I should. [She understands that.] I certainly did NOT put my daughter and my wife above my own ideals and requirements for my "family."

I gave UP on having a family, and all that entails. There will be no one left to attend my funeral.

If I believe what you say, then I condemn myself. If I choose to disbelieve it... YOU (or your belief) condemn me.

None of us can measure up to the standards we feel are basic Christian behavior. For one thing, as mortals, we are only in the infant stage, and we are totally dependent upon God. You don't hold a baby accountable for anything.

God is also not calling many right now to service. Our basic job regardless of who we are or what we believe, is to just live. Imagine the lives of billions who can testify to everything that happened under Satan's rule, from Adam and Eve to the last person. Think of this as a court case. Right now, Satan is presenting his works and deeds. God tells us, that means all Hell is going to break loose. The closer Satan gets to the end of his case, the more angry and violent he will become. Satan already knows the end of the story, and the evidence to his guilt will be overwhelming.

Man has only been on earth for about 7,000 years. Satan wants you to think we evolved from pond scum. Our ancestors were stinking monkeys, and we slowly evolved over millions of years. What a punk POS, eh? All part of Satan's hate for God and us, and he definitely does not want us to know God or how to please Him.

The earth is millions of years old, and Satan has ruled earth all that time, beginning when he was Lucifer, and long before he become corrupted. The battle that cast him and the fallen angels to earth happened millions of years ago. You will find bones dating back that far, but they are not human bones.

All our greatest minds in science and theology equate to a drooling spacktard.

Musicman 06-05-2012 03:14 PM

The problem with debating the topics of God and religion is that there is no way to prove anything. You either believe or you don't believe, which is the definition of faith.

Roadhog, if I were a praying man, which I no longer am, I would be praying for the miraculous conversion of Hobo into a Conservative. It's frustrating to see a "thinking man" playing for the wrong team.

Roadhog 06-05-2012 05:12 PM

I think the point I'm making is, most of this is beyond our purpose right now. We are to live each day the best we can, but whether you are religious or not, doesn't matter right now. All the religions are absolutely nuts, and offend God. The madness has a source, and I think most of us know the source, but it's like the "name we don't speak."

Any religion would be impossible to prove within this arena, but oddly no one has been able to disprove Holy Scripture. I feel I've been shown just enough to see through some of the crap, and with the knowledge I feel much stronger faith and conviction. I think I reached a point, I nearly had the bejesus scared out of me. If you don't have a calling...and you don't belong there, things can get real costly, when you aren't given the purpose to serve.

I think we all know truth deep inside. There is something to this, but looking at the big picture, I think only a few will actually be called to serve right now.... and if you think about that... it's a huge blessing most of us are not being asked. http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l2...0/icon_eek.gif

I didn't mean for this to go too far religious, and it all started because I'm concerned Hobo's brain is nearly rotten. http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l2.../icon_razz.gif

Turning this back on topic, family is sacred, and prayers and wishes in that regard i feel God may bless, if we ask.
This life is all about family, I think. That is enough for us all to cling to with all our might.

GMAN 06-06-2012 03:30 AM

Perhaps hobo's daughter, if she does contact him, will bring him out of the darkness of liberalism into the light of conservatism. :)

golfhobo 06-07-2012 12:19 AM

Update: Very minor one, but she changed her picture again. I have a theory of how it MIGHT be related to, or indicative of, the fact that she may have read my message. But... it is probably just wishful thinking. On the other hand... I think she MAY have given up her internet connection like so many have since using a Blackberry or Iphone or something to access Facebook. I wonder how prominent the message "alert" is on that system?

Roadhog 06-07-2012 12:21 PM

Maybe this has been asked, but why aren't you getting in touch with her mother first, and asking her to help you reunite with your daughter?
I think that would have been my approach, if it were as easy to contact either one. Unless you can't trust her mom to help you. I don't know, just asking.

GMAN 06-07-2012 02:21 PM

I have wondered about contacting her mother as well. I would expect that she is in contact with your daughter. It might be an easier way to introduce you to your daughter, if her mother were willing to act as an intermediary and perhaps be present if you could arrange a meeting.

Twilight Flyer 06-08-2012 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golfhobo (Post 512094)
I think she MAY have given up her internet connection like so many have since using a Blackberry or Iphone or something to access Facebook. I wonder how prominent the message "alert" is on that system?

I have the FB app on my phone and the message is fairly prominent...bright red icon at the top of the app bar. However, if you don't pick it up on that visit, the icon disappears, even if the message is unread.

golfhobo 06-09-2012 01:28 AM

Roadhog said:

Quote:

Maybe this has been asked, but why aren't you getting in touch with her mother first, and asking her to help you reunite with your daughter?
I think that would have been my approach, if it were as easy to contact either one. Unless you can't trust her mom to help you. I don't know, just asking.
I don't think it has been asked, but I thought I made it clear (maybe not.) I have had NO contact with my daughter OR my ex-wife since before our divorce.

My ex wouldn't even contact me to let me know when they were "in town" so that I might SEE my daughter (even when I was paying.) Others told me now and then.

My Ex almost immediately married the NEXT guy who got her pregnant, and took my child to Germany with them when he joined the Army and got stationed there. NO word to ME about it. 4 yrs.... 8 yrs... later, they returned to SOMEWHERE in America.

I've said before, and I will cling to the belief, that my EX never trash talked me to our daughter. I believe that she was clear and honest with my daughter about her father. She just ISN'T the kind that will help me in this.... for whatever reason.

Furthermore, I couldn't find my EX any better than I could find my daughter. To find ONE... is to find the other. But, I have had little luck in that until now.

No... there was no "intro" thru my ex-wife.... even if I'd known how to contact HER! And yes.... I was afraid that if I HAD contacted HER first... for an intro... she would have quashed the whole deal.

This HAD to be between my daughter and me. That is one reason I had to wait until she was an adult.

Of ALL the helpful posts here, one thing was a constant. SOME kind of contact with the EX. Good or bad.... a conduit to negotiate parental rights.

NONE of this happened, or was possible, in my situation.

I HAVE considered the possibility of talking to my EX, and having her make the "intro." I even thought that after ALL these years, she would no longer feel the need to "protect" her precious daughter from my reach. But... I strongly believe it would NOT end as well as direct contact with my daughter.

And I have no other "contact" with HER than HER Facebook page (locked) as a "friend" on my daughter's page.

No... this will HAVE to be direct contact, Dennis to Denise... father to daughter.

Roadhog 06-09-2012 01:37 AM

I'm feeling a little anxious, and can't imagine what your going through.
Must feel like insomnia.

golfhobo 06-09-2012 01:56 AM

I HAVE been having trouble sleeping lately. I HAVE to go now, and try to get 6 hours sleep before driving out in the morning. Be home Sunday late morning. 16 hours of driving.

See ya.

Roadhog 06-09-2012 02:12 AM

Have a safe trip, and hope you get word from Denise soon! Sleep well tonight. http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l2...0/sleeping.gif

golfhobo 06-09-2012 10:11 PM

Well, I got up at 4 to make my third trip this week to Ft. lauderdale. Not enough freight... run cancelled. Another 3-day weekend! And another 2/3rd paycheck! But, I can handle it.

But, I got a shower! So... I'm clean and mean, and ready to do battle (on other threads.)

Did I fully answer the questions about why I don't feel that I can contact my daughter THROUGH my Ex? I really wished that was an option. But, unlike many of you here, I did not have HER as a partner in any discussions about my daughter since the day I last saw her. [Even tho years later, I acquiesced to an ANNULMENT of my marriage under the Catholic Church... for the benefit of my wife AND my daughter.]

About her picture.... and my theory:

She has changed her profile picture several times recently. The last 2 or 3 have been good pics of her, but obviously, ones taken in a "party" mood. I've seen all of her albums, and I see she likes a beer now and then herself. Who am I to judge?

I have had no response from her yet on my private message, assuming (as I do) that she has SEEN it. But, her newest update to her profile picture is NOT a "party" type picture, but a full frontal face... almost professional... hair combed, face made up, (sober) passport type picture.

Did she do this for me? I don't know. But, it's not the kind of picture MOST on Facebook post for their profile pic.

I know.... I'm probably "wishing" too much into this. Heck... she'll probably change it again in a few days! But, in light of the fact that she has not responded yet.... it is all the hope I have.

I don't have a pic of me on MY profile page. Neither does her mother. Could this be some kind of "challenge?" Does she need to know what I look like before answering me?

Musicman 06-10-2012 03:34 PM

Hobo, maybe you already covered this and I missed it, but did you send her an "add friend" request as well as send her a private message? If you sent the "add friend req" did you also add a short message with that as well as send a more lengthy private message? Just curious. If you sent the message without the friend request, it makes the message a lot easier to miss or ignore. If you sent a friend request, she would be presented with a set of choices: "ignore", "accept" or "not now".

golfhobo 06-10-2012 05:55 PM

I did NOT send a friend request yet, as I an unable to discern whether it would be viewable by any and all of her current 'friends' (which includes many family members.) I don't want all of them to know I have found her on facebook, as I don't want to make them all feel that their "security" has been breached. I would hate for them to all shut down comms with her (or others) on Facebook just because I can now follow them there.

Musicman 06-10-2012 07:23 PM

Hobo, others can't see the friend request. If your daughter accepts the request, then that would be visible to her friends. Also, any friends of hers who want to be invisible to you could simply block you and you could not contact them, see any of their activity and they couldn't see any of your activity. I've blocked my son's mother and her family (losers all) because while I want to keep up with my 19 year-old son (I've had custody since he was 3), who has recently flown the nest and enlisted in the Army, I don't need my blood pressure elevated every time my ex-wife posts on a pic or status update of my son's.

GMAN 06-11-2012 11:14 AM

I am curious as to whether your daughter has had any contact with your parents? I assume not or they could have acted as intermediaries.

snoopyandpuppy 06-11-2012 12:58 PM

Hobo, can you "private message" her via Facebook?

Musicman 06-11-2012 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snoopyandpuppy (Post 512287)
Hobo, can you "private message" her via Facebook?

Pretty sure that's what he's done so far.

Roadhog 06-11-2012 05:55 PM

http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l2...n-superman.jpg

This reminds me of waiting for Shania to return my calls.

Musicman 06-11-2012 09:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roadhog (Post 512297)
http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l2...n-superman.jpg
This reminds me of waiting for Shania to return my calls.

Hopefully Hobo's waiting proves more fruitful than yours has. Or my wait for Sandra's call, for that matter http://i1082.photobucket.com/albums/...69/tantrum.gif

golfhobo 06-12-2012 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GMAN (Post 512285)
I am curious as to whether your daughter has had any contact with your parents? I assume not or they could have acted as intermediaries.

You assume correctly. No contact. My parents told me that they TRIED to find her at one time. They had no more success than I.

My mother recently told me that SHE had a conversation with my EX (phone or letter... I don't remember) about us after we separated. It was cordial and truthful. My mom said, "it takes a lot of love to get through something like this... and/or to make a marriage work." She speaks from experience! My EX responded, "Well, I guess there just isn't enough LOVE." [My wife was not lacking in intellect.]

I may never know which of us didn't have enough love (according to her.) It really no longer matters. But, I have always accepted the burden that it was ME who failed. Oh... most things were HER fault (or her mother's,) but I am the one who should have dealt with things better.

My parents have done ALL that could be expected of them under the circumstances... from the very first day that they learned they already HAD a grandchild by me. NONE of this is their fault. It is mine alone.

GMAN 06-12-2012 01:15 AM

It is indeed unfortunate that your daughter never knew her grandparents. From your previous posts it sounds like she and your parents missed a lot by not being in contact over these past years. As we get a little older I think that we all want to know more about where we came from and something about our ancestry. Somehow it becomes more of a priority.

That reminds me, Hobo. Have you checked www.ancestry.com? Some families put what they can about their family tree on the site. You might do a search to see if she may have something posted. As I recall, you can post notes about wanting to find out more about certain family members. It might we worth taking a look. It has been a while since I check the site, but you may take a look and see if is something that might work for you.

golfhobo 06-17-2012 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GMAN (Post 512320)
It is indeed unfortunate that your daughter never knew her grandparents. From your previous posts it sounds like she and your parents missed a lot by not being in contact over these past years. As we get a little older I think that we all want to know more about where we came from and something about our ancestry. Somehow it becomes more of a priority.

My family, from my parents down... is very small. I have one brother and one sister. My brother has only ONE child, from a previous marriage, but my parents have had access to that daughter over the years. She now has a daughter of her own and my parents are thrilled about their first "known" great grandchild. My sister had two kids, but they are both too young to have children of their own... yet.

When I first announced to them that I was going to get married, I told them that they already HAD a grandchild (Denise) before the one that they got to know and love. They DID have a few months of getting to know my daughter. My sister has two kids, and someday THEY will have children that will add to the "great grandchild" pleasure of my parents.

I can't say that my daughter didn't grow up knowing her grandparents. When my EX re-married, she got a NEW set of grandparents which she grew up with. My EX's parents are now dead, but.... I'm sure she got to know them before they died. So... she HAD two sets of grandparents without MY parents being involved.

My daughter now has kids. It might not be fair to THEM to ask them to understand that they have ANOTHER set of "great grandparents."

I'm sure my parents have suffered along with me all of these years. But, none of us wants to confuse two beautiful young children with the realities of this failed relationship.

Even "I" don't want to force myself on these two young children as some kind of "grandparent" that they must accept and learn to know. I don't know WHAT to do about this... but, I only want to establish contact with MY daughter at THIS point. HER children should be shielded as long as necessary for their own well being.

My parents are "long suffering." They are intelligent and loving. They can deal with whatever comes their way.

They HAVE a "great grandchild" that they dote over. They will soon have some more... if they live a little longer. They are probably no more anxious than ME to "invade" the lives of two young children who have NO IDEA of their heritage or of those who care about and love them.

But... what do "I" know about grandchildren or great-grandchildren? I know the difference between 'genetics' and family. But, MY geneology doesn't fit easily onto some "tree."

Are those MY grandchildren? There are no pics of them in MY arms. Their tiny little LIVES are filled with joys that I cannot give them... at this point. And who says they WANT to know ME or my parents?

They have love from grandparents already. Children don't even understand the concept of "living" great grandparents... let alone ones from a previous marriage of their grandmother.

But, if they CAN be considered MY grandchildren... they are the most beautiful of ALL grandchildren! My daughter did well in choosing a mate. Maybe. I think they have divorced. I don't know much about the man that my daughter chose to father her children. But, I wasn't there to give her any advice. I accept things the way they are.

GMAN 06-18-2012 02:46 PM

If it were my child I would not let anything stand in the way of at least making contact with her. Children are very resiliant. They can use all the love that they can get. They are much easier to adapt than adults. It would be good if she and her children could get to know you and your parents while they are still living. They need to know about their "other" family. I think people have a void in their lives if they don't know about their heritage. We all have scoundrels somewhere in our families. Whether good or bad, we all need to understand from where we came. Otherwise, there will always be something that is missing in our lives. Your daughter and her children can decide whether to continue or pursue the relationship once you meet. I still think that she is curious about you and what happened between you and her mother. She has only had one perspective and that came from her mother.

Musicman 06-19-2012 05:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golfhobo (Post 512430)
Are those MY grandchildren? There are no pics of them in MY arms. Their tiny little LIVES are filled with joys that I cannot give them... at this point. And who says they WANT to know ME or my parents?

They have love from grandparents already. Children don't even understand the concept of "living" great grandparents... let alone ones from a previous marriage of their grandmother.

But, if they CAN be considered MY grandchildren... they are the most beautiful of ALL grandchildren! My daughter did well in choosing a mate. Maybe. I think they have divorced. I don't know much about the man that my daughter chose to father her children. But, I wasn't there to give her any advice. I accept things the way they are.

Hobo, who the heck has a normal family these days? I’m 39, my son, who is now 19, hasn’t had a single friend (maybe one or two exceptions) that hasn’t had some “abnormal” family life. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a traditional American family anymore. The days of Ozzie and Harriet are over. When a woman tells her husband that he was “a little hard on the Beaver last night” nobody thinks she’s talking about her younger son. I really don’t think from listening to my son Jon that most kids today would make a huge deal about suddenly discovering a lost branch of the family tree. Will you ever have the kind of bond that comes from being in the daily life of a child from birth or soon after? Probably not, but there is something to be said for a relationship that develops over years. Sometimes the bonds that develop later are even stronger than those that form in younger years. There is no sure fire answer to your dilemma, but I can’t imagine many right thinking folks being too worried about how the kids and grandkids will take things.

Let’s just focus on the matter at hand, breaking the ice with your daughter. You made your gambit and now it’s probably time to let things simmer. I know many of us are getting damn tired of waiting for something to happen, and I’m sure YOU don’t have any finger nails left, but some things just take some time. I don’t think you want to come across as pushy, just a hurt, remorseful “old dude” to quote my own father, looking to share whatever part of your daughter’s life she’s willing to give.

I hate giving advice and don’t general do so in the personal realm, but here I can’t resist. I’d give her more time before writing again. Maybe a few more weeks. Then write her another letter telling her that obviously you’ve gotten no response and you don’t know what to make of the silence. Maybe say that you are going to err on the side of “contact wanted” in the absence of her reply and that you are going to start writing her a little bit now and then so that she can get to know you better and perhaps then she will feel more confident in replying. Tell her that if she wants you to go away, she will have to tell you to do so and until then you’re going to write her the occasional private message on Facebook. This will achieve two goals… 1) let her see into your daily life and get to know you with little or no emotional risk and 2) show her over the weeks or months (if it takes that long) that you are serious about being in her life and that you aren’t going anywhere. If she sees that you aren’t looking for a few chats to satisfy your curiosity and then plan on disappearing, perhaps she’ll feel a bit more froggy and jump on writing you back.

Sharlie 06-23-2012 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Musicman (Post 512456)
When a woman tells her husband that he was “a little hard on the Beaver last night” nobody thinks she’s talking about her younger son.

speechless :)

Musicman 07-01-2012 02:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sharlie (Post 512564)
speechless :)

I guess I could've said that these days, a show titled "Leave it to Beaver" would be much more likely to be an all-girl adult film than a family oriented TV series.

golfhobo 07-02-2012 06:05 PM

Musicman said:

Quote:

Hobo, who the heck has a normal family these days? I’m 39, my son, who is now 19, hasn’t had a single friend (maybe one or two exceptions) that hasn’t had some “abnormal” family life. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a traditional American family anymore. The days of Ozzie and Harriet are over.
Very true. As children, my siblings and I were "shielded" from the fact that my mother was adopted, and that we had "other" grandparents, aunts and uncles. Maybe due to moral stigmas of the time, or maybe (as I mentioned) it would just be too complicated for our young minds to comprehend. By the time we found out, times had changed alot and it was no big deal to us. I'm sure my daughter and her children are probably light years ahead of where WE were, and would be surprised to learn that "Leave it to Beaver" was a black/white sitcom where older brothers were actually "protective" of their younger, smaller and weaker siblings. [And that's ALL I'm going to say about THAT! lol!]

Quote:

Will you ever have the kind of bond that comes from being in the daily life of a child from birth or soon after? Probably not, but there is something to be said for a relationship that develops over years. Sometimes the bonds that develop later are even stronger than those that form in younger years.
No, I will never have that bond. I'm too old to think about having a child again, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't very good at it the FIRST time around. I don't want to say that I was "relieved" when my EX forced me to END our family experiment, but I will say that I looked forward MORE to the years when my child became a thinking, rational and questioning "person" that I could have intellectual (and loving) conversations with. Unfortunately, I missed many of THOSE years, too!

My father and I have never really had THAT kind of bond, and it is a shame. But, he loves me all the same. It's like someone said on the "best smells" thread... he held me and smelled my skin (or whatever) when I was a newborn. I didn't even get THAT with my daughter. She was 11 months old before I moved West to marry her mother.

I could have, and should have, FOUGHT for my relationship back when it would have mattered. I took the easy way out, thinking that I would HAVE that chance to be in her life when she got older. I gambled and lost. Maybe. What right did I have to think that I could skip all the pain of "rearing" a child and somehow, someday, reap the rewards of "raising" one? [or better yet... just HAVING one?] And don't forget... I KNEW I could be dangerous to her physically or mentally. I thought I was doing the best thing for ALL concerned to step aside for a time. Now I fully understand the meaning of "Time waits for NO man."

Quote:

Let’s just focus on the matter at hand, breaking the ice with your daughter.
Yes... let's! Before Sharlie tells us what she REALLY thinks about "the Beaver!" LOL!

Quote:

You made your gambit and now it’s probably time to let things simmer. I know many of us are getting damn tired of waiting for something to happen, and I’m sure YOU don’t have any finger nails left, but some things just take some time.
I apologize for that. I never thought this thread would turn into a soap opera. I just hoped for some advice on what I should do. The response has been overwhelming... and greatly appreciated. I know you SAY that there are no normal families/people/relationships... but, I've been around CAD long enough to know that MOST of my friends here have had a more normal life than mine. EVEN those who've been divorced have had a more normal relationship with their EX or their children (in MOST cases) than I have. WHO goes 30 years without some kind of contact? If I thought everyone here had a "Cleaver family" experience, I would have had no reason to ask for help. WHAT would they KNOW of my situation?

I've heard bits and snippets from many over the years, and I KNOW that I am not so "special" when it comes to family troubles. But, hearing some of the testimonies here has REALLY brought it into focus for me. I would say that this thread deserves to be a "sticky," NOT just for what it has meant to ME but for what it could mean to others. But, what do I know? Maybe this is just "normal life" for most of you. Again... it goes back to whether you've dealt with it all your lives, or have "suppressed" it the way I have [because you had no options.]

Quote:

I don’t think you want to come across as pushy, just a hurt, remorseful “old dude” to quote my own father, looking to share whatever part of your daughter’s life she’s willing to give.
I certainly don't want to (or have a RIGHT to) come across as pushy. But, I can't quite muster the "hurt, remorseful old dude" part... even if it is true to some extent. If I was hurt, it wasn't by HER! If I am remorseful, it is for what WE lost moreso than any action I took. I never felt that I abandoned my daughter. I was not the one who LEFT. My EX had a chance to make me a part of my daughter's life... she chose NOT to. I realize that I can't (or shouldn't) present this as an argument on my behalf just yet... but, I prefer to approach her (if I am given the opportunity) with a sense of HOPE for the future. It will be difficult for me to avoid placing blame where I think it is deserved, though I will DO so. And I WILL accept any blame that I am due... or any SHE feels that I deserve. I will be as honest with her as I have been with all of you. But... I don't think I am capable of going "hat in hand."

Quote:

I hate giving advice and don’t generally do so in the personal realm, but here I can’t resist.
I suppose that is an admirable trait... but, I'm glad you have chosen to do so. Not to elevate your advice above all that I have received here, but... what you said next is VERY wise... beyond your (inferior) years. [But, EVERY response has been critical, informative, and WELCOMED.]

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I’d give her more time before writing again. Maybe a few more weeks. Then write her another letter telling her that obviously you’ve gotten no response and you don’t know what to make of the silence. Maybe say that you are going to err on the side of “contact wanted” in the absence of her reply and that you are going to start writing her a little bit now and then so that she can get to know you better and perhaps then she will feel more confident in replying. Tell her that if she wants you to go away, she will have to tell you to do so and until then you’re going to write her the occasional private message on Facebook. This will achieve two goals… 1) let her see into your daily life and get to know you with little or no emotional risk and 2) show her over the weeks or months (if it takes that long) that you are serious about being in her life and that you aren’t going anywhere. If she sees that you aren’t looking for a few chats to satisfy your curiosity and then plan on disappearing, perhaps she’ll feel a bit more froggy and jump on writing you back.
Well... it's been a few more weeks. I think I WILL send another Private Message. Maybe she'll see this one and then read the first (IF she somehow missed it.) I don't think I can LIE to her and say that I will err on the side of "contact wanted." I will HAVE to say that IF she saw my first message and chose not to respond, I will have to consider that "contact UNwanted." At least not yet. But, like you said... she would have to tell me to go away. I mentioned earlier that I could accept THAT if it were her decision... but, she'll have to TELL me so.

But, I LIKE the part about telling her that I will continue to send private messages until (or unless) she tells me to stop. And I agree with the GOALS you said it will achieve:

1) To tell her a bit about myself so she won't feel I'm such a stranger, without requiring HER to take a personal risk.

2) To let her know that I am serious about beginning a relationship between us... not JUST a "feel good moment" for ME!

It NEVER occurred to me that she might think that. That I just needed to "close the book" on the years of estrangement. And that I would then "disappear" again! IF she felt abandoned by me (originally or in the future...) that would be heaping insult upon injury! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Thank you.

golfhobo 07-02-2012 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twilight Flyer (Post 512142)
I have the FB app on my phone and the message is fairly prominent...bright red icon at the top of the app bar. However, if you don't pick it up on that visit, the icon disappears, even if the message is unread.

Thanks for the info, Batman. It is possible that HER phone has a less prominent icon. OR... she had multiple messages and missed seeing MINE. I can only hope. The information is invaluable to me, considering how my mind works. [and how LITTLE I know about these "tekkie" things!]

Twilight Flyer 07-06-2012 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golfhobo (Post 512835)
Thanks for the info, Batman. It is possible that HER phone has a less prominent icon. OR... she had multiple messages and missed seeing MINE. I can only hope. The information is invaluable to me, considering how my mind works. [and how LITTLE I know about these "tekkie" things!]

I'll take it a step further and tell you that little message icon is pretty wonky, too. There have been times where it didn't notify me there were messages and other times where it notified me that a message I had received a week or more ago was new. So yeah, it's REALLY possible that if she's using a phone, she may indeed have missed it.

Musicman 07-08-2012 12:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golfhobo (Post 512833)
Yes... let's! Before Sharlie tells us what she REALLY thinks about "the Beaver!" LOL!

I was kinda hoping we’d be treated to a long and interesting dissertation from Sharlie and her observations about beaver, but I digress.

Quote:

Originally Posted by golfhobo (Post 512833)
I certainly don't want to (or have a RIGHT to) come across as pushy. But, I can't quite muster the "hurt, remorseful old dude" part... even if it is true to some extent. If I was hurt, it wasn't by HER! If I am remorseful, it is for what WE lost more so than any action I took. I never felt that I abandoned my daughter. I was not the one who LEFT.

I wasn’t trying to insinuate that you feel or bear any responsibility for the way things happened. You DO sound to me to be torn up (whether it be remorse, or hurt or whatever adjective you prefer) over not having the opportunity to be involved in your daughter’s life. There are many things I regret in my life that I have no responsibility for. There are things that went wrong in my sons’ lives that I may feel “hurt” over, but again have little or no responsibility for outcome.

GMAN 07-08-2012 12:58 AM

We all make mistakes in life. Unfortunately, we can't go back and do things differently. There is nothing that we can do to change the past, but we can start anew and try to not make the same mistakes in the future.


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