[kazansr]

I'm with a wonderful trucker who I trust completely and although I love him and miss him terribly sometimes I'm super busy with our kids, and my job and my friends and my hobbies and I can always fill my days till he comes home; then it's usually all about him and I love that too!
Issue:
I'm a new step mom to a 13 year old boy and I have a 10 year old girl. Dealing with kids this age is hard normally, but with Daddy gone all the time I am having a real hard time getting support with the kids.
He goes easy on his son because of his "guilt" over being gone a lot which has resulted in a lazy 13 year old. Understandable my man doesn't want to come home yelling at the kids for what they've done or not done the entrie time he's been away, but it's always on me!!
I feel like the big meanie all the time. The step monster who wears army boots, the HEAVY!! On top of that it's hard for for my wonderful man to have time at home to form a relationship with my girl which hurts my feelings. I go through a lot with his son, but my girl doesn't get the same amount of attention plus she has to share mine now...
Advise?

[wot i life]

You have to get him to sit down and discuss your fears and reservations with you on a level headed, adult basis. He may not like the fact that you feel the need to talk as he may not see a problem. I can see where he is coming from as I made similar mistakes in not maintaining discipline with my two daughters because I hardly ever see them. Its tough to find the strength of character to do just that; But, for all your sakes, he must. Either that, or choose a single life again.
Sorry if this is not what you want as advice, but its my thoughts(for what they are worth)
Good luck :wink:

[kazansr]

We do talk about it - we've identified the problem and agreed to work on it. My honey doesn't want his son to be brought up poorly either, and he agree's with me that he tends to be a little lax about things and has agreed to try to be more on my side and spend a little time with the kids when home - he's great!!
I think my problem is more about me feeling so awful about myself when I have to be on them all the time. I feel like a nag, "do your home work, do it right this time, feed the dog, clean the cat box, no soda in the living room, you know better...." and it goes on and on and on and it's just me yelling it all the time...
and my honey feel like I'm a nag too because when I get to wit's end with these pre-teens he get's to hear about it and it ain't all good!!
I feel like he does't need to hear my every woe, especially when he's out there with all that responsiblity; I feel like I should be more supportive of how hard he's working; but at the same time I work, I come home to this same frustrations every night and I need support too. I need someone to tell me I'm not Atilla the Hun in a Mary Poppins costume all the time!!

[Truckfam]

You are not Attila the hun, and neither are you Mary Poppins. I imagine it is tough being a step mom on top of everything else. You already tried yelling, nagging, and stamping your boot around without much response. I'm thinking your also stressed with clutter and the house not being "perfect" either.

I'm gong to send you to a website that might sound strange to you, but there is much more to it than meets the eye. You could say cleaning and organization is only the tip of the ice berg. She has many not only with cleaning, but mental attitudes, and bringing peace in their lives with one step at a time. www.flylady.com

Now that said, have you tried the incentive approach? This works depending on what their incentives would be, and if it would be in your budget. You could possibly make a deal with them. If you do this, this, and that and I have a good report for your father when he comes home, then we can do this. Whatever the incentive is, can either be done when your hubby is home, or after he leaves again depending on exactly how much time he has and if he is up to doing anything.

The incentive doesn't have to be an activity, but maybe also a music CD or something they have been wanting. The key would be not to cave in when they do misbehave.

Also, make sure you acknowledge them when they do things on their own that you have been hounding them to do.

PS. With the fly lady, I have heard numerous testimonals that after some of the mothers started "flying", that the kids started to follow their mother's lead after awhile. It wasen't just the younger kids, but the older teens also.

[kazansr]

Thanks so much - Flylady is on my agenda for this weekend because I absolultely love a perfect house and maybe that's not realistic with 2 kids and home on my own. How did you know? :?:
I'm pretty organized - the kids each have a list of responsibilities that they do each week and get paid for ($10) then there is a list of "Extra's" posted on the fridge that they can do to earn extra $$. But still they are either done half-a!@ed or they are ignored until I'm yelling :evil:. I need to teach more initiative :idea: .

I talked with the kids last night about how I have to be Atilla for them to take me seriously and it's annoying. I also explained there would be some action taken from here on out because I need some cooperation in my life. We came to the conclusion that we need to treat others as we would like to be treated... If boy doesn't "feel like" getting to the garbage when he totally see's it's full, I might not "feel like" getting him to the slot car track on Sat. but if he does what he is asked he will be free and I will be willing. If girl doesn't want to empty the dish washer, I'm not so sure I'll feel like getting up at 6AM to get her to her riding lesson that weekend. We all agreed on this course of action so hopefully I won't feel so bad enforcing! Wish us much luck...

You seem to have been doing this for a long time - and succesful too - thanks either way, but what gives? Is is just time? Do I rush perfection?

[glasman2]

Originally Posted by kazansr

If boy doesn't "feel like" getting to the garbage when he totally see's it's full, I might not "feel like" getting him to the slot car track on Sat. but if he does what he is asked he will be free and I will be willing. If girl doesn't want to empty the dish washer, I'm not so sure I'll feel like getting up at 6AM to get her to her riding lesson that weekend. We all agreed on this course of action so hopefully I won't feel so bad enforcing! Wish us much luck... Is is just time? Do I rush perfection?

That's pretty much what we do, along with taking things away.
Like if the kids like to get on the computer.... Not tonight, you didn't do what you were told. Phone is a big one with girls, don't want to help no phone.

My son is big into paintball, does the tourneys a lot of practice excreta. One time he had a tournament coming up and I asked him for 2 weeks to clean up his mess up in the back yard. Well it never got done , even with all the hounding. So the night before the tournament he starts packing for his tournament. I asked him where he thought he was going, because I wasn't taking him due to not doing the yard. He ran outside in the middle of the night to TRY to clean what he couldn't see and came back with " can we go now?" Told him 'Nope, that's not going to cut it, when I ask you to do something, it doesn't mean 2 weeks later."

Now if I ask him to do stuff he jumps right on it ( most ) of the time.
But if a PB tourney is close he does it RIGHT NOW with out me hounding.

Take the phone and computer from my girl for a few nights and she straightens up pretty quick ( at least for a little while ) then I take it away again.... Some day she will learn..

[Bigmon]

Call Dr. Laura... she has some good advice for this situation.