Trukrswyfe said:

This is a powerful line, TW. If you don't mind, I may try to do something with this one.

Of course, there is the similar line in a song, "My gift is my song and.... this one's for you."

But, this is a different thought, and can become a song about how life is a song.

 

OH!!!...... can I get in on this please?? Note: Slim, I think he is relating to the Revolutionary War.

I, too, thought this was very good. And, I can HEAR the music that might go with it. Yes.... I play a little guitar myself. Not much, but enough to have written a few songs myself that I have performed before a few people.

I ALSO want to thank IronTurkey for his submissions. They were moving.

Can I possibly give just a BIT of advice to those who CARE to "write?" Slim says these are "detailed" and descriptive. But at times, we try TOO hard to "describe" the vision, when we should "let it be seen." By this I mean.... Poetry should, at times, use MOSTLY adjectives or adverbs.... and at others, leave them to the imagination. Often, only subjects and verbs will tell the story better.

Most times, trying to "explain" what you are feeling causes one to include too much detail, which almost always throws off the rhyme OR the "rhythm."

HEAR the cadence of your lines, and MAKE the words fit it. If you have to leave something out to do so.... leave out the "descriptive" words, and leave only the "action" words or the feelings.

Here is just an example. I beg your forgiveness for my audacity and my Preliminary attempt. I may have missed the mark entirely, but it is JUST an example:

I HOPE I have not OFFENDED! I am only trying to help.

 

Of course not ALL poetry must be so staccato. IronTurkey is probably more comfortable with a more prosaic methodology. I am not as good at this, but I have done some that way. Here is one that I considered posting on the Apocrypha thread, as it was apropos, but might be more appreciated here.

The Epistle of Doubting Thomas

In the beginning was God, He made the World and all that is within.
He was before me and will be after me. He is the answer to all time.

I doubted Him. He reproached me. I dared Him, cursed Him, questioned and Ignored Him. He forgave me.
He stood by me through every attempt to lower myself to the absolute base of Humankind, yet understood my pain.

I wandered 20 years in the desolation of despair.
I cursed my very existence and the parents who bore me.

He instructed me. He brought me back.
He allowed me to bang my head against every wall I could find.

He let me suffer the pangs of divorce, and the loss of a child,
then showed me Love for the first time in my life.

He gave me voice, then took it away. And thoughts that chained,
and then released me.

He let me go when I rebelled, but took the blessings from my life.
Then opened arms and took me in, when I at last grew tired of strife.

I said I must, before believe, feel hands of blood and pierced side.
He said, "You shall, but never know the blessed life of those who will."

So, to you all I now relate, the story of my cursed fate.
You have a choice, and with it shall decide yourselves which life to live.

But, take my word as one who knows, and do not live a life without.
For blessings flow o'er those who know, but live in dreams for those who doubt.

Hobo

 

Hobo without me quoting you, I want to say WOW.. The line that you had redone, was exactly what I was thinking about.. It is the Spirit, the same spirit that resides is us..the spirit that gives us the talent.. And your doubtin Thomas, was very touching, I can feel myself in his shoe's..
IronTurkey pmed me a few days back, and gave me the ok.. He want' to see it, He told me he would be out for about 10 days or so, So it might take awhile for him to get back withya.. But I would love to see what you come up with, ecspecialy now..

I just hope I have time to do it. I have been either, sick, or busy, or hurting.. and here the past 2 days its just been getting over the backside of this Flue, and keeping busy. I got a new old truck today, and my brother is going to fix the U-Joint on it, then I will get the insurance, title, etc. and ispection.. But I am happy and the pain is bearable, and seems to get better each day.. so I am taking advantage without overdoing it, Befor the Nerve's wake up, in say about 6 months.. Cause if they are for the worse, I wanna have a little fun first, and if not for the worse, then I can keep on going..

Sorry went on and on and on aodn.. :lol: :lol:

 

Please don't let me Die!

I looked for you, and called for you.
You didn't see, Nor hear me cry.
I laughed for you, and sighed for you.
You did not care, you let me die.
I screamed for you, to care for me.
But you did not lend the touch.
I tried to dig out from the grave.
But you didn't care to much.

You let me die, and lonely death, upon this cyber page.
Why didn't you just touch me, even let me feel your rage.
Just a little attention is all I crave, a written word from you.
Speak your mind, your heart, your soul, just a word or two.
Tell me your dreams, wishes, anger, laughter, and cry.
All I ask is your attention, just so I wont die.

A thread is all I am, and all I'll ever be.
But you can make me live, just a few words from you to me.
You can describe the light in the eye's, or an eagle soar from high.
All I ask are a few words, Please don't let me Die.

By Slimland
10:48 Pm.
2-10-2008

:wink:

 

Hobo your going to just have to do it, I cant seem to come up with anything.. It is like the inspiration is gone.. Like I have ADD or somethin :lol:

I feel like writing, but don't know what to say.
Maybe type what I feel, while my mind doodles away.
Creeping crawling, itchy skin, Hate this feeling.Can't seem to breath enough in.

Worked on my truck all day, with no time to play.
Yesterday, had put in ten. and today did it again.
Trying to keep busy at least for a few days.
So this feeling will sweet out and go away.
My fuel tanks won't switch, back fuel pump is out.
Gotta full tank there, makes me shout.
I have learned that cussing at it does no good.
Spent all my money on it. I knew that I would.

WHat I got a new message, while I was sitting here.
Wonder who it could be, I'll be back, never fear.
It was just a reply notice, to the "Well I did it thread"
Everyone talks there, and this ones dead. :lol:

Thats ok-- I will just start to rap.
No one is listening, to my crap.
I am laughing at my mind, just a reeling soo.
Smiling at my thought's as they flow.
I like to ryme, I alway have.
That is the only thing I was good at, like my dad.

Except he can play, I just strum.
We both can sing, but he takes the plum.
Speaking of fruit, I like vegitables more.
Tomatoes, Celery, lettuce, and corn.
Man I come up with some dumb words to say.
But nothin comes to mind, about what I want to write Today.


By
Slimland
8:38 PM 2-11-08
Monday

:lol:

 

Wrong thread. Edited out.

 

No, It wasn't the wrong thread. Boy, do things change around here.... :arrow:

 

Dont' know what he was looking for, thought it was the wrong thread.
Things do change around here, cause Slimland's threads are dead.
Everyone leave's like they got somethin to do.
Bolt gotta get outa here, WindWalker flew.

Quote's the rapping chicken, then chickens out too.
DOn't get mad WindWalker, just makin a little doodle with you.
You gave me somthin to ryme about. No one else did.
Hog has left, Wot is gone. and You Bolted.

Oh well!

Slimland

 

Havn't heard from you in a while, where are you now.
Miss your joking, did you catch the roadrunner somehow.
I tried to talk to Kevin, and Email you too.
Both of you vanished, I have searched through and through.

I have climbed the mountains of lyrics and song.
Just to get a chance to talk to you along.
The pathways I have traveled have left me at a lose.
I know not where you are, or the roads you have crossed.

Where are you now my coyote friend?
I have even checked the threads where you began!
Not in cyberspace, nor sitting on some log.
Just wondering about my friends, Wot and Roadhog!

Are you ok, is all well?
I told you chasing that bird, would bring all hell.
Acme products are no good.
I wished you would have listend to me, I realy wished you would.
I told you, you and Wot couldn't follow that map.
I bet you guys got into a bunch of crap.
Left me here alone in my bubble.
While you two are having fun getting into scuffles.
But then again, maybe your lost.
Following acme maps! well that is the cost.
I hallor out one more time, for you guys to come home.
But it would be much more easier if you would Email or phone.

Where are you now my coyote friend?
I have even checked the threads where you began!
Not in cyberspace, nor sitting on some log.
Just wondering about my friends, Wot and Roadhog!

Slimland