Feeling abandoned

[Angel6127]

From the looks of some of the posts I've read in here, I should probably be looking elsewhere for moral support, but if there's anyone out there that would like to help me through a crisis, could you please respond?
My husband and I have been working side by side in the construction industry for most of the 17 years we've been married. We had our own business metal framing residential homes. Since the economy went to hell and the housing boom died out, so did our business.
At the beginning of the year, I started building a greenhouse and got my plants started, and we had planned to build a nursery business and let our property that we have worked so hard for make our living for us for awhile.
In Feb. my father had a heart attack and open heart surgery and I went down to stay with him for awhile. In the mean time, our work completely ended, all the plants died and my husband decided the we were going to become a husband-wife driving team. He went and enrolled in driving school and a few days later filled me in on the news.
Still depressed about the loss of my breast to cancer a few years ago, all the memories of my agonizing child hood rushing back while I was nursing my dad back to health, the worry of losing our jobs and possibly our home, now he tells me I'm going to have to either leave my home behind and go on the road with him or get used to seeing him a few days a month and stay here and work on my nursery business.
Is it just me, or does anyone else here think that he maybe should have at least mentioned to me his plans for our future before going through with them?
Well, anyway, he left me here in the middle of a nervous breakdown to go for his orientation and training. I tried to deal with it and accept his decission. I was doing alright for the first few weeks. Then I had words with his trainer. He would sometimes call me and relay messages for my husband if my husband was driving. But then he started telling me about getting flashed by these cute girls with these big firm breasts and going on and on about it. I kept trying to tell him that I was going to get an attitude if he didn't stop. I'm very self-conscience about it. I lost my breast and we didn't have insurance so we couldn't afford to have reconstructive surgery. Luckily, I wasn't big breasted to begin with, so if I wear a loose fitting top, you can't tell. But I still know the difference. Anyway, I finally just told him to have my hubby call me when he had a chance and hung up. I guess it made the guy mad and he kept calling me and appologizing and then hanging up on me.
The next day my husband calls and he's mad and tells me not to take things so personally and to get over it. That the guy is a nice guy and didn't realize he was making me uncomfortable. I don't know if he just didn't hear it all or what, but he knew I was having some big problems when he left and he knew it was going to get worse before it got better. I've never been away from him for more than a few days until my dad's surgery. And we've spent nearly 24/7 together for 17 years.
Well, he finally came home for a few days, I met the trainer, we both appologized and agreed to disagree sometimes. Now he's been gone for a week again. 3 days ago I found a lump on my other breast, and I'm getting worried about it. Last night I called him to try to talk to him and tell him about it and maybe just hear some reassuring words, but I can hardly hear him for all the guys in the background, can't tell if he's talking to me or to them, and when I ask him what he's doing someone in the background says out chasing women, then asks him who he's talking to. See, they've been at the yard getting work done on their truck for a few days. So what's the deal with these guys. Are they all idiots or do guys just think it's fun knowing there's a woman home going through a hard time and enjoy trying to finish pushing her completely over the edge?
Anyone else been through this? I'd love to find out how you handled it! My husband has always been kind of on the insensitive side, but he doesn't usually allow people to say or do things that he knows will bother me or make me mad. And he knows me well enough to know that that would bother me. I'm not just some prude. I've been working around mostly guys almost all of my life. I've heard my share of dirty jokes and read alot of nasty stuff on the port-o-let walls. I can usually handle it. I'm just going through a really tuff time right now, and his leaving just added to my problems. The least he could do is make it a little easier on me. Like quit having fun at my expense. Right?
Angel

[Twilight Flyer]

Let's see, you've been married for 17 years? And you say your husband is a bit on the insensitive side? Then he lets your nursery go under, decides to be a trucker, and doesn't even discuss it with you?

If you want people to tell you it will be OK, you've come to the wrong place. What you'll get on this website, instead, is honesty in spades...meaing, go get a lawyer and divorce him. Doesn't sound to me like there's anything there at all worth saving.

Good luck.

[tdriver1959]

I agree with Twilight Flyer

He sounds like he is a jerk. If he couldnt talk to you before deciding to drive truck that would tell me he dont care what you think. I have been a driver for 20+ years and good comunication is need when ones spouse is out on the road. I used to be gone 3-4 nights a week gone on weekends. It can put a strain on ones marriage. Now I work for a local company and gone maybe 1 or 2 nights a week and every once in while the wife goes with me. But she still has her moments and i let her vent when the schedule goes wacky and it seems like we dont see each other.

What ever you decide to do I wish you the best of luck

[malaekat]

I agree divorce him but go onstep further go to school on his dime (Try trucking) then divroce him.

[wally world]

try l.o.a.d.s.com

that is a good website for you to get support

[BookBimbo]

You've got a lot going on in your life, but the first thing you need to do is make an appointment to see a doctor regarding the lump in your breast. Your husband can't do a thing about it, but a doctor can. If you've already made the appointment, good for you!

Regarding having people around when you want to talk to your husband, that's just something that is going to happen when you call him until he gets his own truck. When you feel the need to have a private conversation with him, ask him to step away from the others, and then begin the discussion, or ask him to call you when he and his trainer are stopped for the night, or stopped at a shipper.

I'm sorry that things are so tough for you right now. If my husband had come home one day an announced that he was going to start driving, rather than discussing it, I'm sure I would feel quite differently about his chosen profession. He may have been overwhelmed by the nursery business and may have seen trucking as a way to keep from losing everything. That doesn't excuse his behavior but it may help to explain it.

[Angel6127]

Well, thanks everyone for your advice. As for the ones who said dump him, that's something I've given alot of thought. Glad I waited until I saw the doctor and had my test done.
I had a biopsy on the lumps and they are benign. That's a heavy load off of my chest. They did all my blood work which was real good and checked my hormone levels which are where they want them. I'm in full blown menopause now. That's a good thing where the cancer is concerned. It was estrogen and progestrin receptive. The hormones feed the cancer. So they induced menopause and I take a hormone blocker. The bad news is, they can't give me hormone replacement.
Anyway, they say I'm overly sensitive right now and not to make any drastic decissions and told me I should get away for awhile if possible.
So, I took all the money I had and went to TN to see my best friend from high school. I haven't seen her in over 25 years. Needless to say, my husband wasn't too happy about my spontaneous decission to just take off and not discuss it with him. He didn't much like hearing people talking in the background while he was trying to talk to me on the phone, and especially didn't like it when he heard a male voice in the background (my friends son). Not my real intentions, but I think he got he point. Now, if he can get upset about that, I know I'm not crazy for being upset about what he did.
One thing I still have a question about is, why do some men think it's funny to antagonize women when they know they have to be having a hard time dealing with this new career their husband has chosen. From most of the posts I'm seeing from the new wives, my feelings are not so different. Just the circumstances. So these guys should know, if they're married anyway, that the wives are having some emotional issues.
Seems to me the truck drivers would be happier and in return safer, if their wives were happy back home. I would think a guy would want his wife to feel as secure with the situation as possible. He'll be happier if she's happy. But instead my hubby just played along with them as if too much of a wimp to stick up for his wife. Guess it's better than being called pu**y whipped.
Anyway, he's waiting on his truck. They're working on it right now. Then he's supposed to get a load to FL and then home. I can't wait to see him. I've got most everything ready to go. We're going to be spending alot of time together, and we're either going to get these problems resolved or I guess he'll be dumping me off at the nearest truck stop to find a road home.

[Truckfam]

(((Hugs)))Angel(((Hugs)))

I hope everything goes well for you, but I know there is the possibility it won't. My husband never did any of those things to me. The worst trainer he had, was never that rude or crude. If any of his trainers did say anything like that to me, he would have gotten angry. There is no excuse for him to tell others not to talk to you like that. The only time my husband talked to me in a crowded room was at the DMV to take his test before we had cell phones. Someone let him borrow a phone.

From your description of him so far, don't assume he got the point. He more than likely got the point about talking in a crowded room. Too bad you didn't have someone make a degartory remark that was yelled into your end of the phone though. That might have driven home the point. :twisted:

The point where you picked up and did something without him asking may be lost on him. Sounds like he was more steaming about the fact that you did it, and may not have stopped to think that is what he did to you with the trucking decision. He may still not equate it.

You never indicated if he actually heard you when you talked to him about your lump, your fears, or going through menopause. Actually since you are going through menopause, going with him in the truck might just be the worst thing you could do. The last thing you need to do is go bastlistic on the truck. He probablly doesn't realize what all is involved as far as emotions go with menopause. I have a feeling that he will keep the truck comfortable for him and not you. Those hot flashes can get nasty.

The other question I have is why are you going on the truck with him? Is it something you actually want to do? Or is it something he insists on you doing? If it is what you want to do, then it is ok. If he is insisting on you going, then I wonder if he is a control freak? He just wants to make sure you will not pick up and go somewhere again like you did when you went to your friends. All the time he was with you, did he always tell you what to do, and got angry if you didn't do it? Does he usually do what you ask, or brush you off? If he is doing this to control you, then I would seriously think twice before stepping into that truck.

If you do go with him in the truck, take, a credit card, phone number of a person you can trust, or something incase he leaves you to find your way home. You don't want to be stuck where he leaves you. You will want to be able to call a taxi that can take you to a bus station.

This is very important: if you take a credit card or two, make sure they are in your name only. You don't want him to be able to cancle them. Make sure they have alot of room on them. A taxi could be on the expensive side, especially if he leaves you in a truck stop practically in the middle of nowhere. You need to be able to get yourself out of there.

You don't want to be there if he does try to return for you. Leaving you stranded will be a loud and clear end of the relationship. There will be no BS he could tell you to explain his extremely hateful actions. By that time you will be in no condition to deal with him, since your emotions will be going off the deep end. Besides who knows what he will do the next time.

If you do decide to divorce him, try to plan out several possibilities. If you get the house, try to decide what you can do to pay for it. You will not have his income any longer. If it has to be sold in the end, have a plan of where you can go. Try to think of several business and job possibilities. Since you and your husband already started and had a thriving business, there is nothing stopping you from having another one whether it is restarting that nursery, becoming a landlord, or finding your own nitch in your own neighberhood.

Movation on re-starting your own business, visit www.richdad.com. There is a great community on those forums, and many good ideas floating around.

Be safe, try to keep your head on straight, and hopefully worse will not come to worse. It doesn't hurt to be prepared though.