[Novacane]

I should have not brought this up here, but like I said, I have no other friends to lean on, and I have been posting a while so it felt like home. Its my fault not the industries, I try to find anything to blame other than myself.

Truth is, that I should be happy that I got to share my life for a long time with someone I didn't deserve, and who other than a few weak moments treated me so well. I finally realize it was my fault, not another man's, not the job, not the money, and not lack of love, it simply was me.

Mods can erase this if they want to, I am tired of dealing with everything, I will post about trucking just as the boards are for if and when I can, thanks for the advice everyone, I have a long road in front of me, and have to decide if it's worth the trip or not. Thanks again.

[inmate1577]

Hate to say this but relationships come and go, its part of life. But saying "I'll be alone for the rest of my life" just condemms yourself. By saying that you have set the course, not her or anyone else.

It wasnt meant to be, so you got two choices move along or just sit inside and stare out the window all day.

Since you like to write, why not enroll in a college writing course? At least you will be doing something that you are good at, you will meet people who share the same interests and who knows where that will lead.

But no one is so disabled that they cant lead productive life but you have to work for it, no one is going to hand you a silver platter. If you think you cant, look at Stephen Hawking. His body maybe a wreck but he is probably one of the most respected and intelligent people in the world.

[GRB53]

Wow that's some really good advice inmate.
Chris, I just want to add a couple of things. It may not seem people understand your pain and this is a unique situation and you feel all is lost BUT time will make all the difference in the world.
I got married when I was 17 to what I thought was the most wonderful and beautiful girl in the world. Six months later she was cheating on me...ripped my heart out so bad I had suicidal tendencies. Finally got over it, went back to school and discovered there was a whole new world out there (with lots of great girls). I finally met my soul mate when I was 33 and we now have 4 beautiful kids and just celebrated our 20th anniversary. Now I thank God that my first wife cheated on me!
Take a deep breath and heed inmates advice...there could be a whole new world out there Chris!
Sincerely,
Randy

[Sabine]

I don't know what kind of disability you have, but I do know one thing.....don't let it define who you are. Look at Steven Hawking, one of the most brilliant Scientist out there who has ALS. His disease has not stopped him, despite the fact that in his case it is a death sentence. If anything, it has fueled his desire to do as much as he can in the time he has.

So, instead of feeling sorry for yourself, give yourself some time to mourn the relationship you had, and then go on. Discover new things in life, see about taking some classes at college. There are many things you can do, don't dwell on those you can't do.

If you think you are paralyzed by the fear of the unknown, because of your loss, go see a professional to help you with this. There is no shame in having to go to a Psychiatrist. You get a broken bone mended, why not a broken spirit.

You may not be able to get around easily, but I bet there are things you can do. Don't dwell on those you can't.

And here is my thought on your cheating wife.....she is not who you think she is, if she just up and runs away. And she probably never was. Trucking did not do this to you, she did. It may have made it easier for her to do as she pleased, but there must have been things not right, at least in her mind, and it gave her a way to get out.

Be strong, stand up for yourself, and above all, don't let this get to you. You are worth so much more than that, you are better than this. If you would like to talk outside of this you are welcome to send me an email at [email protected].

I know I talk tough, but I have been there and gone thru this (with a military spouse), and would like to save you from the crap I put myself thru. You are in charge of your life, don't ever forget that.

[truckswifeWa.]

I'm so sorry to hear this news! I can't believe that she left you like this! Give yourself a lot of time to grieve. Don't give up! You are a great write! I read your posts almost everyday. They were great! Anyway, I really wish you all the best during this time. Please write me if you need someone to talk to. My dad was disabled, so maybe I can relate a little. I just want you to know is that you are not alone. You have a lot of readers here who really care about you. Please keep in touch, OK!

[lifespalette]

Chris, I'm sorry to hear that things have turned out as they did for you. I thoroughly enjoyed your postings here over the time I have been coming to this forum, and folks are right, you have a talent for writing and should pursue it......and with that said, I'm going to tell you somethings that you may not want to hear.

You said it was a good solid 12 relationship, that you were soul mates, and that it took just 2 years with her OTR to destroy it. That you had nothing to offer her but a disability check and this O/O could offer her anything. Been there and done that. A couple of years after my first marriage ended (19 years, 3 kids), a working relationship with another Architect developed into a romantic one. It wasn't something we planned on, but we found ourselves more and more involved together and things seemed perfect........she had gone through a divorce about a year before mine, she had her career, I had mine......she was financial stable, and although my ex-wife got just about everything in the divorce, I was stable too and had pretty well gotten re-established in a studio condo on the shore of one of the many lakes around downtown Orlando......... She got along well with my kids and they seemed to take to her as well.......things were looking up and we both thought we had finally found that "soul mate".

Starting the third year, just after she had taken on a new project with the renovation of a local high school, things seemed to change. Both of our jobs were stress full, were I worked we were involved in a $1.6B expansion and renovation program at the airport and as a Sr. Project Manager, I was under loads of stress. Her position as a Project Manager with the School Board, required many late night board meetings that she had to attend if any of her items were to be on the agenda..........we were seeing less and less of each other............in the end, one evening on the deck in the back garden, while we were drinking some wine, she broke the news that she was in love with someone else and that it was over........not in some many words, but that was the jest of our discussion. Turns out it was the Principal of the High School project. He was established and moving up in the educational world, no kids, big condo and passionate about the same issues in education as she was........I thought my world had come to an end, so much that at one point I was sitting in her dining room overlooking the same deck she had broke the news before I moved out and contemplating putting the .45 on the table in my mouth and just ending it.....I was depressed, I was stressed, the constant fight with my ex was wearing on me and that seemed like the best way out.............I don't know what stopped me other than I remember thinking this is going to hurt something really bad if even for a split second, what if it doesn't do the job, what about my kids.........I said the hell with it, put the gun away, loaded my stuff in my truck and headed back to my condo and my life.

Now some 12 years later, I can look back and see things differently.......we weren't the perfect couple......she was a healer and had to have something to heal, I was broken and needed healing and didn't even know it. Now I'm married to a wonder full women I meet in a chat room on AOL (not one of those type of chat rooms)......we talked via the Internet for 2 years before we ever met face to face.....13 days after meeting over a period of 4 months we ( she lived in MS attending Ole Miss and I still lived in Florida) we married, and no she wasn't some young coed....at 38 she lost her husband in a hunting accident, with 2 teenagers and 52 horses in her breeding operation she went back to college and eventually, after we were married, to law school. We just celebrated out 8th anniversary. Between us we have 5 kids and 3 grand-kids now.......we're empty nesters and love it.......we're as opposite as night and day, she is meticulous to the point of being anal, I'm a designer type who pays attention to details but in a laid back manner. She's against the death penalty, I'm for marching them out on the court house steps and putting one in the back of the head........in 8 years we have yet to have an argument let alone a fight.

I tell you this to make some points: First, life goes on. Things happen that we don't have any control over.........a dear old friend who had me conduct the funeral service for her husband of 65 years told me something walking away from the grave site..........."pain and heartaches aren't options in life....misery is a choice we make." That has stuck with me since college and we won't even go near when that was. You will go through a time of depression and feeling of hopelessness (which it seems you're in now). Go home and cry your tears, stare out the window at nothing, reflect, cry some more and then get over it......it's your choice. It is quite apparent, although you say you're disabled, I'm assuming that is physical, because your mind isn't. Right now you're going through a rough time, but it will get better if you want it too....it's up to you. Misery is a choice. I suspect after some time you'll see things in a different light, which leads me to my second point.

You've described this situation from the inside looking out. We, here on the forum, are looking at it from the outside.......I don't know your ex other that what you've posted here, but if it's "She left me to drive and have a relationship with a owner operator that can give her anything, and all I have to offer is a monthly disability check, so you can see her choice wasn't hard to make.", what does that say? To me it screams the relationship wasn't nearly as strong as you thought it was, at least from her point. I know many drivers who have been on the road their whole career who are still married, have raised families, have grand-kids, and their wives wouldn't trade them for the world. My best friend is a Marine lifer, he and his wife just celebrated their 30th, after he retired he went OTR.....his last child is off to college this year and then his wife will join him. The last time we were all together, his wife estimated that in 26 years in the service, he had been home about half of that.

Careers don't end relationships........people making choices end relationships. Careers are just another excuse. Your ex didn't leave you because you were disabled, she didn't leave you because this other guy could offer her "anything", she left because she made a choice for whatever her reasons. From the outside, it looks like she found a better meal ticket in her reasoning.

I don't say these thing to add insult to injury, just an "outside" observation, that having been on the inside, I know how hard it is to see things clearly. You will survive this Chris, I can see it in your writing, you're stronger than you think right now. You will come out it if in time and see it too. In time you will look back and have a different understanding of this event........as for now, go ahead and grieve, vent, get it out of your system, than as the say down on the ranch...."cowboy up.".....get back to living, you have a strong and wonder full mind, you know how to use it......put it to work. I'm sure your local school system could use your help mentoring kids (god knows they need it) with writing skills and such. My mother-in-law is in a retirement / assisted care living center, you have a gift for "ghost" writing, many of these old mariners could use someone to write for them......their life history to pass onto their children and grand-kids.......this generation has no foundations other than X-box, MTV and Extreme Games.....a little history of who they are and how they came to be might help them.............

There are many ways, even with a disability, that you can use your mind to move on. The choice is up to you...........I for one, am hoping that you won't just disappear in the setting sun, that you'll come back to the forum often, if nothing more than to say hello and let us know how your are doing. I hope you'll do more. Driving is a bitch, it's lonely at times, it's scary at times, and more often then not, it's isolated.......it's a different world out there and you don't have to know anymore than that, to offer your support to anybody here on this forum by means of a posting or an email if nothing else.

Hang in there guy.........it will get better, if you want it too. Even in the darkest thunderstorm, with wind howling, the rain falling, hail, lightening and what not, the sun or the stars are still shining above the clouds. The clouds do break up in time, after all their energy is spent.

God Bless and don't be a stranger here.

[Scoe]

All I can say is WOW!! That does explain a few thing as it was you posting and not Novacane. You did a great job of conveying what she was telling you but sometimes details didn't add up, etc. That would make sense now. :shock:

As for you current situation, you have the lemons so open up a lemon aide stand. :wink:

[yoopr]

a LOT of things didn't add up.
So what was the Deal with the Big Fund-Raiser you did on here?

[golfhobo]

Novacane/Chris:

Wow! I don't know where to start! What a bombshell you've dropped on us! I will say THIS.... NOW the screen name makes sense!

I'm NOT going to say anything BAD about her (Tammy or Heather? What was her name?) If you wrote her experiences well... and I know you did, she is STILL my hero when it comes to a woman driving truck, let alone flatbed! YOU should retain some of those same feelings!

O.K. She left you. It happens to ALL of us at some time in our lives! Women are like that... and so are MEN!

But NO woman, or man, is worth giving up on life for! YOU, above all, should know that one's self worth is NOT in what someone ELSE thinks of you. But... you DID give that away to her! NOW.... take it back!!!

I fancy myself as a writer of sorts. I write good poetry, which everyone on this forum has ignored! YOU write a thread about being a woman flatbed driver, and you have us ALL enthralled for MONTHS!!

Sorry... I have NO pity for you. I have often wanted to write a book about various experiences in my life, but NEVER start because I fear NO ONE CARES! You have proof that people will READ your stuff! What more proof do you need?

I just got IN this morning (and got this news!) and I have to go out again this afternoon! So, I don't have time to really address this subject with the intelligence and wisdom that you OBVIOUSLY need! But, I will get back to you. You may not like everything I say, but you will HEAR it!

Your life is NOT over!!! If you must move back in with family.... that is understood, AND will be temporary! From what she (you) told us about yourself, you have MUCH to offer! AND much you can do!

One thing YOU/she told us about you, over this long time, is that you were NOT filled with selfpity, and that you had MUCH to offer to this relationship, regardless of how long it lasted. You will offer MORE next time.... and there WILL BE a next time! You are a viable human being! Stronger and wiser than MOST! Don't give ME this "life is over" CRAP!!

I can tell you horror stories of how a physically SOUND man succumbed to depression and wished to GOD to end his life! So... you are NOT so special! (in that regard) But YOU ARE SPECIAL! You could do ALL of the things listed above (in previous posts) and mean MORE to the world than I EVER could!

If you think I'm coming DOWN on you, you might be right! It's called "tough love" and, right now, that's what you NEED! I'm sorry your trucker girl walked out on you. I really wouldn't have expected it, except we only heard YOUR description of her and her dedication to you and her son. As it stands right now, we don't really know a THING about her! We only know YOU! And everyone on this board LIKES you, and wants you to stay WITH us!

This is not just a forum for "truckers." This is a forum of friends! And YOU are our friend! Stay with us and let us help you (if you're not against being helped.) But, our help is not free! In return, we require MORE of your good writing! You can change the subject if you want, it matters not. We will read and respond as we ALWAYS have! There are other categories on this site, if you prefer to change.

You have been given a GIFT. God does not give us MORE than we can bear. And for what is taken away... MORE is given! YOU have been given MORE! ONLY by denying and wasting that gift, does one disappoint GOD! Women come, and they go.... even for the most physically fit male specimen! And, to be fair, it works BOTH WAYS! You have "pinned" your value on the acceptance of one single person! That is ridiculous! There are MANY more out there who need and will appreciate you! IMHO, you'd have to beat them off with a stick!!

I'm not saying don't mourn your heart's loss. I'm saying don't waste 20 years of YOUR life over it, like I did! I know you've heard 'em all.... but, if the horse throws you.... get back on it and RIDE with the wind!!!

What's the WORST that can happen??

LOVE from a fellow trucker and a FRIEND!

Hobo

[TIM]

Interresting to say the least as I thought it was good reading material.
Too bad it wasnt you getting the experience or her doing the writing .
You could have written a good book. Come to think about it this story might make an audio truckers book! Mystery at its best .

Now IM sure if one day you had planned to drop the bomb it could have been written to make sense. Still as Scoe said , WOW. Even though it didnt all make perfect sense you were good enough to have us hooked ! Thats good talent actually.

Now Im actually thinking Novacane might be the real loser here .

Hey, when you walk into that end zone of getting a book published , act like ya been there before ! We bought it .

You need a name now so we will recognize you at the major book stores .

Seems to me your disabilities doesnt over shadow your abilities . Get your chin up like it belongs there . <G> You are going to have lots of time to write so keep it up. It doesnt pay well to start but as someone said , you have to do somthing for a while before you are good enough for somone to pay you to do it . You have time for that to happen.

You will always have the memories so treasure them and dont look on it as a negative in your life for it wasnt .

On your advice , no one is taking it , but that doesnt make it an untruth. With the time she spent on the road in a new career and as down as she stayed it was clear she wasnt happy and was stressed to her limits. She simply broke down so it seems .

Tim