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When I first announced to them that I was going to get married, I told them that they already HAD a grandchild (Denise) before the one that they got to know and love. They DID have a few months of getting to know my daughter. My sister has two kids, and someday THEY will have children that will add to the "great grandchild" pleasure of my parents. I can't say that my daughter didn't grow up knowing her grandparents. When my EX re-married, she got a NEW set of grandparents which she grew up with. My EX's parents are now dead, but.... I'm sure she got to know them before they died. So... she HAD two sets of grandparents without MY parents being involved. My daughter now has kids. It might not be fair to THEM to ask them to understand that they have ANOTHER set of "great grandparents." I'm sure my parents have suffered along with me all of these years. But, none of us wants to confuse two beautiful young children with the realities of this failed relationship. Even "I" don't want to force myself on these two young children as some kind of "grandparent" that they must accept and learn to know. I don't know WHAT to do about this... but, I only want to establish contact with MY daughter at THIS point. HER children should be shielded as long as necessary for their own well being. My parents are "long suffering." They are intelligent and loving. They can deal with whatever comes their way. They HAVE a "great grandchild" that they dote over. They will soon have some more... if they live a little longer. They are probably no more anxious than ME to "invade" the lives of two young children who have NO IDEA of their heritage or of those who care about and love them. But... what do "I" know about grandchildren or great-grandchildren? I know the difference between 'genetics' and family. But, MY geneology doesn't fit easily onto some "tree." Are those MY grandchildren? There are no pics of them in MY arms. Their tiny little LIVES are filled with joys that I cannot give them... at this point. And who says they WANT to know ME or my parents? They have love from grandparents already. Children don't even understand the concept of "living" great grandparents... let alone ones from a previous marriage of their grandmother. But, if they CAN be considered MY grandchildren... they are the most beautiful of ALL grandchildren! My daughter did well in choosing a mate. Maybe. I think they have divorced. I don't know much about the man that my daughter chose to father her children. But, I wasn't there to give her any advice. I accept things the way they are. |
If it were my child I would not let anything stand in the way of at least making contact with her. Children are very resiliant. They can use all the love that they can get. They are much easier to adapt than adults. It would be good if she and her children could get to know you and your parents while they are still living. They need to know about their "other" family. I think people have a void in their lives if they don't know about their heritage. We all have scoundrels somewhere in our families. Whether good or bad, we all need to understand from where we came. Otherwise, there will always be something that is missing in our lives. Your daughter and her children can decide whether to continue or pursue the relationship once you meet. I still think that she is curious about you and what happened between you and her mother. She has only had one perspective and that came from her mother.
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Let’s just focus on the matter at hand, breaking the ice with your daughter. You made your gambit and now it’s probably time to let things simmer. I know many of us are getting damn tired of waiting for something to happen, and I’m sure YOU don’t have any finger nails left, but some things just take some time. I don’t think you want to come across as pushy, just a hurt, remorseful “old dude” to quote my own father, looking to share whatever part of your daughter’s life she’s willing to give. I hate giving advice and don’t general do so in the personal realm, but here I can’t resist. I’d give her more time before writing again. Maybe a few more weeks. Then write her another letter telling her that obviously you’ve gotten no response and you don’t know what to make of the silence. Maybe say that you are going to err on the side of “contact wanted” in the absence of her reply and that you are going to start writing her a little bit now and then so that she can get to know you better and perhaps then she will feel more confident in replying. Tell her that if she wants you to go away, she will have to tell you to do so and until then you’re going to write her the occasional private message on Facebook. This will achieve two goals… 1) let her see into your daily life and get to know you with little or no emotional risk and 2) show her over the weeks or months (if it takes that long) that you are serious about being in her life and that you aren’t going anywhere. If she sees that you aren’t looking for a few chats to satisfy your curiosity and then plan on disappearing, perhaps she’ll feel a bit more froggy and jump on writing you back. |
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Musicman said:
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My father and I have never really had THAT kind of bond, and it is a shame. But, he loves me all the same. It's like someone said on the "best smells" thread... he held me and smelled my skin (or whatever) when I was a newborn. I didn't even get THAT with my daughter. She was 11 months old before I moved West to marry her mother. I could have, and should have, FOUGHT for my relationship back when it would have mattered. I took the easy way out, thinking that I would HAVE that chance to be in her life when she got older. I gambled and lost. Maybe. What right did I have to think that I could skip all the pain of "rearing" a child and somehow, someday, reap the rewards of "raising" one? [or better yet... just HAVING one?] And don't forget... I KNEW I could be dangerous to her physically or mentally. I thought I was doing the best thing for ALL concerned to step aside for a time. Now I fully understand the meaning of "Time waits for NO man." Quote:
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I've heard bits and snippets from many over the years, and I KNOW that I am not so "special" when it comes to family troubles. But, hearing some of the testimonies here has REALLY brought it into focus for me. I would say that this thread deserves to be a "sticky," NOT just for what it has meant to ME but for what it could mean to others. But, what do I know? Maybe this is just "normal life" for most of you. Again... it goes back to whether you've dealt with it all your lives, or have "suppressed" it the way I have [because you had no options.] Quote:
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But, I LIKE the part about telling her that I will continue to send private messages until (or unless) she tells me to stop. And I agree with the GOALS you said it will achieve: 1) To tell her a bit about myself so she won't feel I'm such a stranger, without requiring HER to take a personal risk. 2) To let her know that I am serious about beginning a relationship between us... not JUST a "feel good moment" for ME! It NEVER occurred to me that she might think that. That I just needed to "close the book" on the years of estrangement. And that I would then "disappear" again! IF she felt abandoned by me (originally or in the future...) that would be heaping insult upon injury! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Thank you. |
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We all make mistakes in life. Unfortunately, we can't go back and do things differently. There is nothing that we can do to change the past, but we can start anew and try to not make the same mistakes in the future.
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