4roses said:
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Hobo after reading your post and the replies .... it lays close to my heart.
Thank you for that, Roses. I knew you would understand. And that was going to be the sum of my response to you. Just to let you know that I understood what an effort it was for you to respond. We've had our "differences," as you may know. But, I've always cared about and respected you. The other reason I wasn't going to "respond in full" to your post was because I was in tears just reading it... and couldn't see how I could respond without flooding my keyboard.
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Short story ~ Because of the bad blood between him and the mother - he broke off all ties. Also thinking it would be best for the Son ~ he didn't get to watch him grow up and enjoy his youth.
I never knew how important this WAS to a person's mental health, stability and purpose in life. I didn't know how much my dad loved me and was "invested" in my life until I was an adult.... and I grew up with him in the home! His "focus" was always the Church and his "calling" from God. When I was young, he was gone most of the time. My early choices... wrong as they may have been... were mostly made in light of what I thought might be best for HER at the time. I've never been KNOWN for making the best choices.... I bought Beta when VHS first came on the market!
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This young Man wanted all his life to meet his Father and get to know him. He didn't need to know all the trouble why his parents broke up and mess between them. He only needed to Know that his Father Loved Him.
Well... I don't suppose that my daughter has lost much sleep over this. She's been kinda busy. I THINK she went to college and got a degree. I sure hope I'm right... but, it doesn't matter. She's had two kids... but, not until she was old enough to "plan" her parenthood! [More than I can say for her mother.]
I actually believe that my daughter has never felt that I didn't "LOVE" her. I don't KNOW if she has ever wanted to MEET me... and lord knows she can't benefit by it. She has a HUGE family of loving people that don't have MY problems. I think she has accepted that.
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The reason I tell you this ..... is because of the children ! They don't need to know of the bad words exchanged between their parents, or who's fault it was - - if any - - - why they couldn't make it as a family. It's not about pointing fingers ... That's not of great importance to them ............ They just want to know they're Loved.
I would rather DIE than to have her think that she wasn't! She has had a plethora of "loving people" around her all her life. But, if I thought she felt "unloved" because I had not made contact yet... I would not hesitate, now that I have found her. Believe me....folks.... I have tried MANY times over the years. My parents tried many times!
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Start a new relationship with your Daughter .... When she is ready ~ she will respond to you. Remember one thing hobo .... No One .... has all the answers, and she just needs to know she has always been thought of and loved from afar.
So... you're saying that "I" don't have all the answers? Haha.... just messin' with ya. But... to a point, you are right. All these years I have relied on what "I" thought was the best thing to do. Maybe, I was wrong! But, even if I'd decided differently, finding her has not been easy. My "inlaws" didn't even have a house phone! Maybe, I should send her a picture of my living room. HER baby photos are on every wall.
Maybe she heard my father's prayers at EVERY family get-together. He praised the Lord, and then asked his "guidance" and protection for everyone in his family... including my daughter. My brother has a daughter (and grandkids) just one year younger than Denise. They have had the joy of THAT relationship, and the pain of MINE. [My sister also has children that have blessed my parent's life.]
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I hope the best for both of you ... A Daugther will ALWAYS need her Father.
I sure hope you're right! And I know the difference between "fathering" a child and raising one. The man who married my EX, (even tho he impregnated her while we were still married,) IS... and I always believed was... a good man! HE has been her "daddy" I guess, (tho SHE made a distinction.) HE deserves her dedication and LOVE! He certainly deserves MY respect!
With everything she really needs pretty much covered .... DOES she really need my love or "contact" at this point in life? Yes, I am glad that she is grown and I could be talking to a rational and educated mind. But, her life seems fine without me. I guess I need to know... or decide... If SHE would benefit in ANY way by hearing from me. It's no longer about whether "I" need her... okay, that's not true. I DO need her! But... I will continue to do what I think is best for HER. My life really no longer (or ever) mattered.
Thanks again for your response, Roses. It DOES matter to hear a woman's viewpoint.