Roadhog said:
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I don't see your situation as you skated on anything. You were paying support, until they cut you totally out of the picture, and didn't want your money, or anything from you. Matter of fact, they stole your daughter from you, by making it impossible for you, to be in the picture in any way.... at least that's my take...
That's pretty much the way I saw/see it, too. They COULD have had me pay court ordered support... but, that would have meant signing the paper that gave me legal rights to her (and giving her MY last name.) THAT is what they would never do. And THAT is what caused my feelings of "alienation of affection." THAT would have required them to make sure I had visitation rights... like whole SUMMERS with her since she was out of "state/country." These are the things that fathers GET for their money... and they didn't want me to have them. So... they got nothing more.
Now... that is my "legal" take on it. But, morally? I have still always felt that I was in the wrong. I am STILL trying to learn to forgive myself for that. Considering all of the emotions, fears and actions surrounding those events.... I still believe that "I" was the only ADULT in the room! And in that regard... I let myself down as well as my daughter.
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... and they robbed your daughter from her true father, even lying to her for years. Screwed you up big time too.
Yes... they did that! Ruined nearly 30 years of my life. I will never get those years back. Yet, I just can't find it in me to hate them for it. I don't see any prospect (at this point) of ever having a "normal" EX-relationship with her mother. But, I'd really like to. I think THAT, too, would be good for Denise. But, who knows what the future will bring. I suppose I will have to face her at my daughter's next wedding. I'm scared to death of that! But, maybe it will be a catalyst to even MORE healing.
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Keeping a promise you made to yourself is good, it's huge, if you still feel the promise is valid, and not something made up out of raw emotion of misplaced guilt.
Thanks, Hog. I needed that. To be honest, I had almost forgotten about it. I didn't consider it when deciding whether or not to contact her. It's NOT a "new" promise, and never WAS made out of some feeling of guilt. It was just a "bargain" I made with myself that helped me deal with the fact that I wasn't sending money to some place I didn't even KNOW where to send it. I was concerned that "they" might not make her education a priority, and I felt that it was the best thing I could do "in absentia." I MEANT to be saving for it all along.... but, I had those very lean years when my business wasn't even supporting myself!
Once I found her, it didn't even come up right away. Not until this July did I even know she HAD an outstanding student loan, and from what SHE told me... she should be able to make enough to pay it off herself. I could have just stayed silent... but, I have to look at myself in the mirror every day. In a moment of weakness, it crossed my mind to "skate" on that personal promise. Yes, I'm human. But, How could I BE the man I wanted to be, and the father I wanted her to know and accept (maybe love,) if I didn't respect myself? It took about 2 seconds for me to get on the puter and tell her about my "plan." And again... once I said it, there was no going back. This WHOLE experience has been much like jumping headfirst into a pool of cold water! I DID that the first day I spent with my grandkids. lol! I didn't want to do it... in a way... but, when I looked at those little faces who were expecting me to play with them in the pool.... there was no way I could back out. I have learned that there are "responsibilities" that come with family... and I trust that there will be rewards for doing the right thing.
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You too have to find peace and healing, to be able to move forward, and however you choose to include yourself in your daughters life, it's a huge blessing. Help her however you can, and don't forget to take care of no.1
I feel that I am moving forward regardless. lol. I have no choice... and the alternative was stagnation, depression and a wasted life. There are no virgins waiting for me in some "netherland" regardless of what I do. Just "moving" is a form of "healing," and I have already FELT "peace" compared to what I lived with for 30 years! My parents will be gone in the near future (dreading THAT!) and my siblings have families of their own. I have increasingly been aware of my own mortality lately, and stoic as I am, I was not looking forward to living out my last years alone. I hope and believe that my relationship with my daughter will grow over the coming years, and I REALLY hope that I will have the relationship with my grandkids that will make my life worth living. They are still a bit young to understand... but, with time... I think we will be "best buddies." One of the first things my daughter said to me (expected of me) was.... just be GOOD to the kids! You could say she put me on notice! lol. That's fine. That is my second chance!
Well... I guess that's all I got to say right now. My daughter just messaged me wondering where I've been! She wondered why I didn't include a smiley face or a "heart you" with my last check. Gotta go be a "DAD" for awhile! lol.
Ain't life GREAT?