She may not ever know that you sent her a message if she hasn't been on facebook in over a year. BUT you will kick yourself in the arse if you don't reach out to her. She has a right to know that her father loves her and is thinking about her. I don't know anything about twitter, but maybe she has an account on twitter. I don't know how you could find that out. Good luck Hobo, and i hope you try to contact her.

I hit my kids, in love of course. Tho when they forge sick notes from me so they can skip school, Get not 1, not 2 not 3 but 4 tickets in less than a year. Jack my car insurance rates to obscene levels, eat all my food, sleep all day, make me raise my blood pressure just to get their butts out of bed,.........I run low on the love part.

Here's some tough love though Bo,

Whatever your reason, whatever your excuse, thats just what it is and always will be to a kid. They don't care that you had a hard life, or that you may or may not have some predisposing genetic disorder, that you were scared that you were stupid that you feel bad.


You want to make a mends to your daughter?

Accept responsibility and leave out all your reasons (they may have seemed good at the time or you feel it justifies ). All I know as a daughter that doesn't have much of a relationship with her dad. They don't care.

Say these works, " I ph u cked up, I failed as a dad." " I'm sorry!" There is no excuse for it and I hope you can forgive me and let me be in your life." " I will take what I can get." " I don't deserve your forgiveness or your time, but I would be honored to get it."


Oh and mean it. :)

Yeah, that was a real bummer when I found her and then realized she hadn't updated in nearly a year. Just my luck. Like Fredog said, unless she set up her account for "alerts," she might not see it for a long time... if ever. Of course, I could send a PM to her cousin who is on almost every day.

Repete: I agree with you about a handwritten letter. For many years, I wouldn't know where to start looking for her (although I did try all the cities I thought they might have settled in.) I still doubt that she is in the white pages, but does anyone know of some OTHER 'registry' where I might could find her address without knowing anything but her full name?

DLE: You are too kind. It is my honor that all of you have chosen to help, with so little (if any) judgement. I was not expecting this. Thank you all! BTW... I tried splitting Golf Hobo into first and last names, but those tekkies at Facebook were too smart for me! Still.... it seems as if it can be done. I must have done something wrong. I'll look into it again.

IronEagle: Thanks for your perspective. One thing you said about therapy rang a bell. Years later, I was in a relationship and the girl seemed to think that I was distant or something. That I didn't know how to love someone. So, I went to therapy to see if she was right. I think this whole experience with my ex and my daughter played a big role in how I relate to others. I don't even hold hands with my own family when we bless the food at holidays and get-togethers.

Sharlie: Thanks so much for your unique perspective. I hope it is a two-edged sword if she doesn't care. She might be angry at me for leaving, but maybe she will forgive me for whatever reasons I had.

hobo ... it's time to stop kicking yourself, because clearly your stepping up and taking responsiblity for a part of it.... That's all in the past - the Future is what's important now ! That's a big step ! ... As I said earlier, a Daughter needs her Father .... as well as she needs to know more about your side of the family some day ... It's kind of like people who search on Ancestor.com .. looking for their family. We get a better understanding of 'who we are', once we find out where our parents, grandparents and etc came from. I'm sure she's got questions on where her interest in area's of life came from, her likes and dislikes. ............. Example of what I'm trying to express here - My brother didn't get to see his Son for over 15yrs. due to the fact his ex ran off to another state and broke off contact with him (my brother) ... Once my Brother was able to locate his Son - - his Son came here where we live and everyone was so excited to see how 'alike' both of them were/are ... They have alot of the same interest, they walk alike, their like twins, but Father and Son ..... You contacting your Daughter will be helpful in so many ways .... Did I understand you to say Denise has children? .. Grandchildren ? .... That would be even a bigger reason to contact her ....... Grandchildren are God's gifts to Us .... their so forgiving - as well as you get to spoil them and get bunches of hugs ............ Don't hesitate - send Denise a message on facebook - someday she will check it and then she'll know how to get a hold of you......... If she is like alot of us, she may have several email addys and more than 1 facebook pages ... I know I do and forget to check all of them daily ... So take the big step hobo and let God do the rest of the work. God Bless.

Update:

It just so happened that on my return trip from Rialto (L.A. area) this week that I got to take I-40... which goes thru Albuquerque. I think I've told y'all how I always feel "drawn" to that town as I drive thru. Never KNEW that my daughter was there. I did a little research while sitting in the motel room for a day, and found two addresses and two phone numbers for her (through another registry.) So, which is current? Which MIGHT find her mother on the other end of the line? I don't know. So, I thought I would stop at the Flying J on the west side of town and look in the current white pages to see if she was there (and if the phone numbers matched up.) They were doing construction, and the entrance to the truckstop was blocked off. The detour signs were inadequate, and I ended up doing a roundabout and getting back on the interstate and breezing thru town. I DID stop a few miles east of there (the T/A in Moriarty) and checked the white pages for Albuquerque. Nothing matched. Like I said.... both phone numbers are probably cellphone numbers.

Just talked to my mom an hour ago, and she told me (for the first time) about some correspondence between her and my EX just after we split up. Mom made the effort to write HER and tell her she hoped we could work things out, but that it would take alot of LOVE. My EX wrote back and said she agreed, but didn't feel that the LOVE was there. I never SAID she was stupid! I think she made a valid point, and a choice. And she communicated it to my mom.

Proves that she knew HOW to contact my parents, and ME if she wanted to. [Or if my daughter ever ASKED her to.]

It is entirely possible that my EX was trying to "spare me" the life that she had "roped me into." But, she failed to consider the love and the bond between a father and a daughter. Might have been that she was already pregnant by her "next" partner in life. I'm quite SURE that the "family" told her that THIS time she would be married BEFORE the child was born! And, (I think) she was. .... but NOT in the eyes of (or with the sacraments of...) the Catholic Church!

I "kinda" made SURE of that. I TOLD y'all that I could be vindictive. I KNEW that under Catholic church law... she could NOT take "the sacraments" if SHE divorced ME. And so... that is the only option I gave her. I was in no hurry... (not pregnant)... and would probably NEVER marry again. [and never DID.]

One of my "conservative" burdens.... I BELIEVE in the sanctity of marriage. I told her that I would not contest a divorce... but SHE would have to divorce me.

Funny.... She and I, a PROTESTANT, were married in the local Catholic church, in her community. But... she and HE couldn't BE married in that, or any other (Catholic) church. I guess they settled for a "Civil Union" (or marriage) at the J.P.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I really LOVED getting married in that little church. I really loved the reception later, when I got to dance with all her (... MY) "family." I really LOVED being "accepted" into her family. I had high hopes.

Anyways....

I'm a little closer to a phone number or address. But, I'm not THERE yet. But, if I narrow it down, should I make a call? ... or send a handwritten letter? Or do the facebook thing?

I absolutely want (and intend to) narrow down one of these phone numbers to HER cellphone. But, I am not ready for a voice confrontation, until I know if it will be acceptable to her.

I wouldn't MIND doing the facebook/email "thing." Some of you might agree that I am pretty GOOD at getting my point across, with spellcheck, in a "textual" forum. When I can back up and "correct" typing or speaking errors!

But, I actually prefer the handwritten letter form of communication. The letter I wrote her just a year after our separation, would not do NOW. But, I might send it to her someday. I would prefer to send her a "new" written letter now. But, how do I disguise it? How do I KNOW she will ever get or see it?

Solution:

Her birthday is coming up... May 29th. I'm sure she will get several (if not lots of) birthday cards in the mail. NO ONE will be checking them! I don't think they will notice the lack of a return address on one envelope. She will probably just open MY card along with many others. And.... Boom!

It will either MAKE or RUIN her day! But, the words will be in my own handwriting.... and will be full of HOPE for her and for her special day.

Some here have said SHE has that right. Others affirm that it is MY responsibility to make that first contact... however bumbling!

Anyway you look at it, after reading all of these responses, the consensus is that "I" must make a choice and a move if that is what I feel is best.

.... I always KNEW that! I just wanted to HEAR y'all SAY so.

Now that I have found her (more or less,) it is up to ME to make contact. To NOT do so... would be to invalidate the struggle I've lived for so many years. To continue the belief that she is better off without me. I don't KNOW that!

I know she has a GOOD life... without me. And I don't want to upset that. But, I don't know that she isn't suffering some questions of her own. And I have no problem answering those questions. [I'll use my "inside" voice.]

I don't know MUCH about the trials and tribulations... or the responsibilities of being a "dad." ... and I believe some of us should be "barred" from the experience. But, THAT would imply that there was a GOD who sat on his throne and decided WHO should get pregnant... and when. And THAT is what my EX believed was the best method of birth control. 98% of catholic women are on the pill. I hooked up with one of the 2 percenters!

I always believed I would find my daughter someday. And, I did. But "stalking" is not "knowing."

I am leaning towards taking the chance.

A willingness to discuss a pain or a hurt is showing the willingness to heal.

Sounds like a plan to me, only 1 question - can you wait that long?

Looks like you have a plan .... good luck.

Make the call......

Dennis, I am on both sides of the absent parent/child situation. My mother and father married shortly before I was born and divorced when I was about 5 years old. My mother always made it difficult for my father to stay in contact with me and he decided when I was about 8 years old to break off all contact until I was older because one of my aunt's told my father that my mother would put me through the third degree about what happened at my father's house until I was crying. Well, when I was 14 years old, I was riding my bicycle around the corner from my mother's house when this car with a man, woman and 3 small children stopped and the man waved me over to ask my if I remembered him. I told him that I did not but he told me his name and that he was my father and we talked for about 15 minutes on the side of the road. We have been in contact ever since and I felt so close to him by the time I was 23 years old that I had no problem with him adopting my then 2 year old son. That child (now close to 24 years old) and I have always remained in contact.

When it comes to my now almost 19 year old daughter, she was adopted outside of the family when she was 7 years old and I have been looking for her every so often on Facebook and through Google searches and I just found her, sent her a private message through Facebook and sent her a friend request. I had been doing my Facebook search incorrectly because I was always using her legal birth first name combined with either her birth last name or her adopted last name (I was just lucky that she was adopted by a teacher at the school that she, her step-niece and step-nephews went to) and, when she registered with Facebook she used the shortened version of her first name - I ended up finding her by only entering her adopted last name and clicking on the link to only search among the people on Facebook and scrolling through about 15 pages of names. I am just hoping that she will want to be in contact with me which my mother-in-law and mother both think is the case because of the amount of information that my daughter left public on her profile.

So, what I am saying is that you can be making worse either way you go but you could also make things MUCH better (like my dad did) by at least attempting to contact your daughter. It mostly depends on your daughter's attitude towards you as to which way the contact can go.