...but don't hold back and just tell us the good stuff now. :p

Thanks for the continued concern, my friends. Not a lot to update, but I'll give you what I got. As I've already said.... things could not be better for me where my daughter is concerned. We continue to facebook message almost daily. The trip to the beach was particularly successful in how we relate to each other. Prior to it, she had some problems understanding my sense of humor... and WHEN I was joking around or "messing with her." Likewise, I sometimes thought she was being critical when, in fact, she was just being "analytical." We came away with a much better understanding and comfort level with each other, and our "parental" bond has only gotten stronger.

I can't tell you how special it was for me to be able to sit on the balcony and have a beer with my daughter and her boyfriend (fiance,) and talk about current events (mostly social... not much political.) This is something I could never do with MY dad. Even with the difference in our age, I feel that she (they) consider me more as a "contemporary" and/or a friend rather than as an (older) adult. Does that make sense? Of course... THEY, too, are adults now. It was always my dream that someday I could have an "adult" and intellectual relationship with my daughter. I will forever regret that I never had that special bond of "raising" her. But, at times it almost seems as if this relationship is a natural extension of what "never was." Dreams can come true.

There are little things she does that display an extraordinary amount of "acceptance" of me... at least as I see it. At one time when we were both kinda "ganging up" on Aaron about his eating habits (or something,) he pointed it out. She immediately (without thinking,) exclaimed, "Well... like father like daughter!" I nearly cried. It seems she is almost relieved to finally understand WHY she is WHO she is. We are so much alike in so many ways.

There was a facebook post going around where, if you weren't scared to find out, you posted it on your wall and let your friends "rate" you as they see you. 24 choices like... special, cute, friendly, awesome, conceited, stubborn, etc., etc. She chose "SARCASTIC." At first, I was perplexed. Then, I realized that she finally GOT my sense of humor, and was "at ease" to point it out. I responded with, "What? Not #17: I'd hit you with a BUS?" She responded with a laugh and said, "Well, DEF... I'd hit you with a bus!" LOL! I said, "That's my girl!" ;)

Early on in our conversations, before we met, she openly and honestly said something about how she wasn't sure she could/would ever be able to call me "Dad." She HAS a "daddy" that is all she has ever known and she loves him completely. Yet, she purposefully explained to her daughter that I was "one of her two daddys." She said, "Mommy has only ONE mommy... but, she has two daddys." Thus was my initial "introduction" to her children... my grandchildren. At the beach, these two little darlings had NO problem calling me "Grampa Dennis." I would have been content with that. Then, recently, at the end of one of my LONG "messages" to her, I asked it she minded if I sometimes signed off with "Love, Dad." She said... "OF COURSE! Because you ARE one of my dads!" I would have been content with THAT. Then came August 13th... my birthday. Many of my facebook friends posted birthday wishes on my page. That alone made me feel better than I have felt in years. I guess I must admit to SOME anxious expectation as I waited for HER post... only because I always look forward to them... but, I had NO idea what I was about to see.

"Happy birthday dad!! Hope u have a great day!!"

Okay... I DID cry! I cried off and on all day as I drove towards Orlando on my daily run. I cried again later in the sleeper on the way home. And, yes... I am tearing up again NOW. THIRTY years I have waited to hear something like that! My skills of perception fail me when I try to think of how SHE feels when I tell her how much I love her, and all the other things I've told her. I know she was shocked to learn of me, and I can't quite "gauge" how it has changed her life, or how she reacts to having another person love her as much as I do. But, I now understand how the heart of a grown man can be reduced to mush by just a few simple words from his child.

More later. I need to close this post before I lose my audience. Lol!

if you need any emotional support... anything we can do to help... :) ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvPugcb7QGE

Thanks, Hoggie! I feel better now. In truth, all that crying was just a bit of "misty eyes." I don't think it required such drastic measures. Guns and bats are definitely a bit overboard! lol.

Somehow.... I just think you WANT a reason to beat me up! lol! J/K!

Gotta go sit by the fire now. I told my "boss" I needed an extra day off this weekend. He doesn't KNOW it is to interview with a Private Carrier for a new job!

Next installment is about how much my love for my daughter is going to COST me! Stay tuned.

It's nice to see that after all the debating that you did about contacting her, that things worked out great.

It sounds like you are building a good relationship with your daughter.

Yes, freebird. But, it COULD have gone completely opposite. But, I wouldn't have been much worse off than I was for so long. What I think of most is how I would have spent the rest of my life wondering what might have been. Now that I know what "was to be," I know that I would have only deteriorated more as time went on. MORE doubt, more self-loathing. Especially KNOWING that I had an option that I had chosen not to follow up on.

There were times I believed it was only fair to give HER a choice. Other times, I felt that "I" deserved a choice for once... and a chance.
I like to think that I ain't skeert of nuthin'.... but, I was SCARED of this! It was ONLY with the help of my friends here on CAD that I came to the right decision. I don't think I WOULD have... on my own.

I played golf with my Dad a month or so ago, and afterwards he told me how my game had changed for the better, and how it was at least partly due to a change in my attitude. He said that he noticed that I was much happier now that I found Denise. And he has seen my worst days!

I'm glad it shows. I'm glad that I can FEEL it. I'm glad that I can wake up every day and no matter how bad things might be.... just one thought of her and I can deal with it. And most days aren't that bad. I see colors I hadn't seen in years. I smell things on the wind. I laugh at cats playing in the backyard. I can LAUGH at myself again without secretly hating myself for whatever was the cause.

I'm learning to "connect" with people again. And, suddenly.... I want to live forever. lol.

Yes, and thank you GMAN. But, it doesn't FEEL like I'm building anything. It feels like I have a "partner" now in a relationship I always felt in my heart. She has been so great in all of this. A bit of stumbling at the beginning, but... mostly, just some kind of "picking up" from where we SHOULD have been at this time in our lives. Does that make sense?

Not saying it's like I had "raised" her. That probably was never in the cards. But, under normal circumstances, she would have KNOWN me and we would have shared life along the way. But, she has made it feel like we were always in touch. Almost like we didn't "miss" anything. Yet, I know we did.

But, one thing's for sure. I will NEVER lose her again. And my new life will only get better because of her.

Dealing with an adult child is different than a youngster. I think that most children want to be a part of their parent's lives and vice versa. It is natural. There are things that children can learn from having a good relationship with their parents. And, I think that parents can learn from their children. You did lose out on the early years, but now have an opportunity to build a good relationship from now, not only with your daughter, but with her children. It is good to see you both put forth the effort to work on your relationship.

You will probably know about the new job shortly. If things work out you should be able to see your daughter more often. That should be good for both of you.

Hi. I am both a mother and a daughter.

NNnnoooo. (sing-song-y voice) I'm not going to tell you, you'd be better off not talking to your daughter. You're not Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black. You're not going to go watch them hang out in the front yard, while they play, unaware of your presence. Why? Because it's a dishonest way of living. The best way to not be destructive, as you say, is to be honest. And yes, she could have contacted you as an adult, in the past 10 years. Right now, that takes some of the guilt off of you. You don't own her part in it, no.

You say, "trucking is not for wusses." Good. Then you have some tough skin. Parenthood is not for wusses, either. No matter how old she gets, you are still the "leader" in the relationship, to a certain extent. On the other hand, you may have to follow her signals on her comfort zone, letting you back into her life. For example, starting with a face-book communication, email, etc., long before a phone call or face-to-face meeting. Internet and electronic communication might allow her time to get comfortable. What you wrote above is very touching and you might even consider letting her read this piece, someday soon after you do contact her. The one thing you haven't experienced through years of parenting is that we're all human. I have apologized many times to my children for my shortfalls. It's been good for all of us. It gives them an outlet to be able to admit they're not perfect, either, and they learn to admit their shortfalls and to forgive as well. I read once, that as a mother of a newborn, I would make at least 10 mistakes a day. After almost 22 years, I'd like to be able to say that number is lower. Parenting or "Fathering" takes practice.

You run the risk of being completely rejected. That's a risk you'll have to take. It won't hurt her to know you love her. At least you're there for her to reject and at least she'll know you were willing to walk through fire for her, now.

Girls need their daddies - dysfunctional or not. She's better off with you IN her life than without. And you are, too.

Be prepared for some backlash. If you get to a point where you and she can be honest about your feelings, she may express a lot of anger and resentment. You obviously love her very much, so you'll probably be willing to allow her to get those emotions out on the table. Don't forget your dignity. You're the parent, so there are limits to how much she can dish out - in other words, she probably shouldn't be permitted by you, to become abusive over it.

It would be good for her to know that you are interested in being in her life. It would be good for her to know you have regrets and that you'd rather go through hell just to get to know her than never try at all. It would be good for her to know that although you weren't there for the first 30 years, you'd be there for whatever she needed, in the following 30 and beyond. (I STILL need my Dad for advice. He's 82! Do you know how cool it is to draw on advice from someone THAT experienced in life?) It would be good for her to know that her mother isn't perfect either and that there are always two sides to the story. My parents divorced when I was a kid and my mother bad-mouthed my dad for years. Come to find out, she wasn't so perfect and he had good reason to WANT to leave. She had her part in it, too. But she never admitted that part and I think that's unfortunate, as she's gone now, and my brothers still think she's infallible and my father to blame for everything, la la la.

You never know till you try: she may surprise you and be very welcoming. Don't confuse her mother's anger for you over hers. Her mother may be much more rigid about you contacting her than she is. However, her mother has no right, whatsoever, to interfere with your personal relationship with your daughter, now that she's fully grown. And by the way, this should be very liberating for you: What her mother thinks of you, says of you, whatever, is not only none of your business but nothing you should ever care about, from now on. You are your own man, you did make a life for yourself and that's that. You want to see you daughter. That has nothing to do with her (the ex.) Not being used to sharing your daughter with you, time-wise, she might be very jealous and may try to thwart your efforts. Eh, you expected that, right? Shrug it off. Shrug it off in front of your daughter, too. It would be good for her to see you set the example of behavior. You may find you'll want to apologize to your ex for all the pain and hardship you caused. You don't need to do this on your knees or in an undignified fashion. Apologize well and genuinely ...once. Move on somewhat, humbly but don't be crawling under a rock, like you're a worm. You're a man. We all do our best. Sometimes we fail. Life goes on.

(My ex has been gone several years and is fully involved with the kids' lives, as much as he can be, long distance. When he comes back for visits, I try my damnedest to stay out of the way and let the kids enjoy their dad as much as they can. I despise him for leaving them, but they do not. They are very forgiving and adore every moment with him. They are permitted to love him as much as they want, no matter what I feel about him) Your daughter may feel all twisted up, loving you, because she might be afraid that equals disloyalty to her mother. Wrong. She can love you both and may even have to fight the two of you off from putting her in the middle. My father almost never, ever had a bad word to say about my mother. Wait, lemme rephrase that: He had plenty to say about my mom but he never did it in front of me. That kept ME out of the middle. It was a nice gift to me, on his part.

When my kids asked me why we divorced, I tell them it's because, "We both screwed up." Your answer should be the same. Your marriage failed because you both screwed up and your daughter is never to blame. (You have to clarify that part because at the time, in her mind, you "left her too." Sorry. She needs to know you never wanted to leave HER ...and then explain your thinking at the time and how it evolved.) You did your best, ok?

If you get to where you can have a relationship or some interaction with your grandchildren, you will get some real joy out of that one. Grandchildren won't care about all the mess from the past. They'll just want to know what you are giving them for Christmas! The relationship between grand-parents and grand-children is far more low-drama. They might even want to hear all your truck-driver stories about the road. I never met any of my grandparents (they all died by the time I was 3 months of age) and would have "killed" to have any ONE of them be able to show up for "grandparents' day" at school. I would start sending your grandkids Christmas gifts every year, this year, no matter what.

You missed the first opportunity to be in her life. So be it. Try to make amends. This would include your heartfelt apology for all the pain you caused plus your promise to always be there whenever she needed you, from now on - maybe written in your own handwriting ...on paper, so she can read it over and over again. Take advantage of this opportunity. You're afraid of all the "stir" and "mess" you'll cause, well ...if she's a mom, she already knows that life is messy.

Stay in contact with the neighbors who pushed you to sign up for face-book. They sound like good friends. I'm not a big fan of face-book network but it's probably providing the opportunity for hundreds, maybe thousands of people like you, to get back together with long-lost family members.

Good luck, Daddy.

-A
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