Advice please!!!pretty please w/sugar on top!!
 

Hi all,
I have a situation and I need some serious advice,....

My girl and I have been together for 7 years, we are about to get married.
I am 100% ready to get married, I love her very much,......but I was delivered the child-bomb on Christmas eve, (no, she is not yet, but wants to have 2 before we get too old).
We are financially stable, and I am very confused about what to do, I could use some help from a woman's perspective especially.
We are in our 30/s (she 36/me 38) we are both physically fit (triathletes).
I have a child from a previous marriage who is 19 yrs old, and really thought I was not going to have any more. When we met,..she did not want any either, but her feelings have now changed.
I feel I owe her this because we are together,,....but I am very scared, and confused. I am not sure if I could do the Dad thing again, (I ended up a single parent on the first one,...Mom wigged out and tried to kill us,....ahhhhh memories,..good times, good times).
Please help, fire off questions that may help,.....I really don't know what to do. :oops:

well you need to ask you self the serious question that do you want anymore kids. if the answer is no then you need to tell her and talk about it

I did, that is why I am asking outside of our circle. I need more input from people who have done this, and if my fears are justified.

I have quite a few thoughts here, and will try to make as much sense as possible.
My opinion, you need to figure out WHY you're scared about having more children. I have a feeling it stems back to your experience the first time around, but do you honestly feel like that would happen again? I would suggest making sure you don't make your decision solely based on your negative experience before. Being a parent can be a beautiful wonderful thing if you have the right partner.
Whatever you decide, you owe it to her to tell her honestly why you make the decision. Also make sure you listen to her side, especially if she's never been a mother she's missing quite an experience.

madii'swife,
That is exactly why I feel that I owe her this, even though I am scared to go ahead.
She is a beautiful girl with a heart of gold, she would be a great mom and I know that things would not be the same as my first wife,....that said,...I am still trying to rationalize my fears.
I did tell her how I feel,and she says I'm being stupid.
Let me add that when we met, she was totally against having children, and since I had a bad time before, I was all ready to be with her. Now she changed the rules, is this common?

I would say its very common for a woman to change her mind about having children, especially once they settle in with a great man they want to stay with :wink:
Also, as she gets older there's something in most of us that makes the urget to bear children stronger...or so I hear anyhow :) I'm not really old enough to say that for sure, and I have 3 now.

goodluck
 

goodluck

If you don't want any more children, you will always resent her for it. Your goals are different from hers, and it is obvious that it is time to move on.

Funny how things like this happen.
I will regret it it I do, and she will regret it it I don't.
Looks like were headed for the final chapter.
It all would not be so bad if she had expressed an interest in children from the get go, instead, she was totally against it, I mean totally! I would have never let it go this far. I had plenty of girls who wanted to do the same between her and my ex, and it always ended the relationship.
I was very clear about my future plans to not have any more kids.
This makes me sad because we will end up apart, and it also makes me angry because she changed the rules.
At least I have my truck :roll:

Ok..I soo should not answer this but here I go. I will start out by repeating to myself the phrase my mother taught me "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything". That said, your post leaves me to question why when we women change our minds about something we're changing the "rules"? Can you honestly tell yourself (doesnt' matter what you tell anybody else) that you haven't changed one single "rule" or idea that you had when the 2 of you got together? It seems absurd to me to throw away a long relationship over a thing such as this.
That said, if she came into the relationship knowing you didn't want anymore, then its her turn to bow out..and decide between kids and you, as she has no room to push you for something you both originally agreed on.
At that I will shut up, as I hold a lot of other unpopular beliefs I'm attempting to not let influence this discussion.

madii'swife... Don't sweat it. This guy was just waiting for someone to come along and make a statement like Rev.Vassago did.
I knew from his first post he was waiting for someone to say move on, so he could blame someone else for his mistake. What he should do is seek counseling with his girlfriend, and he knows it.

This is just his easy out.
I showed this topic to my wife, and she said " what a moron " and knew he was looking for an easy way out. If you love someone, you don't just walk away, you hash it out or get counseling and hash it out there. Then decide.... Not come to a message forum and ask complete strangers.

That being said jdg, my advise is counseling, then decide.
Also jdg... I was in your shoes. 1 wife was the devil reincarnated, had 2 kids with her. I got custody kids were 10 years old and 18 months old. Met my wife I have now, she had 1, 5 years old. We both said we didn't want any more kids, but guess what.... We had 2 more and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

You two have a lot of seriouse heart-to-heart talking to do. You have to be considerate of eachothers feelings on the issue, but also respectful- she has to respect your not wanting to be a dad again, and vise versa.Better to get it all out in the open now than after you are married.BOL.

It can go both ways.
I wanted children...but the Lady I married didn't. The year was 1979...and lots of women were putting off child rearing at this time, into their 30's.

Silly me...I figured I'd be the great provider, and make a secure nest for her...and I'd have Nature on my side. I guess I didn't believe her?...or the Italian in me just figured I'll be a PaPa...you'll see.

4 years into our marriage...she becomes pregger's unplanned...but I had all the parts together...and I noticed a strut to my step....until she had an abortion. Our marriage ended that day...and I learned you can not change someone.

I screwed up my own life. You have to know what you want and sometimes you have to make some tough choices...to be happy and successful in your desires.

One thing I learned...maybe this will help.
In a relationship...you are sharing your life. You must live your own life to have a life to share. You can not live someone elses life, nor change it...just share and enjoy. If you don't bring much to the relationship...or work at keeping it alive...it won't last. Main thing to understand is honesty and communication with yourself is as important as what you share with others. Live YOUR life.

I will start out by repeating to myself the phrase my mother taught me "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything". That said, your post leaves me to question why when we women change our minds about something we're changing the "rules"? Can you honestly tell yourself (doesn't' matter what you tell anybody else) that you haven't changed one single "rule" or idea that you had when the 2 of you got together? It seems absurd to me to throw away a long relationship over a thing such as this.

Madii"swife,
You are right, I have changed some of the rules,....but not on this scale.
I just can't accept that buying a motorcycle without telling her first is even on the same level as having children, especially since it was discussed in our first year together, before we even had sex.

Our families have been floored by her decision, her mom even told me that this may be her way of getting me to end the relationship,...instead of her having to do it.
My mom is a bit upset by her decision, and mentioned the same thing her mom did.(I have to ask myself,...am I blind?, I NEVER even considered this)
We went to see a counselor today, and she totally took on this "he will do what I say" attitude. I actually thought she was a different person.
Then I kept thinking about what her mom said and I have to really look at how things have been going.
Maybe she wants me home, and not in the truck, maybe she has found somebody else and needs a reason to split. I asked her point blank and she denies it,..but something is wrong.
These are things to really look into.
From a female perspective,...is this something that you would do?
Do you know anyone who has done something like this to end a relationship?
I am quite honestly sick to my stomach about this whole thing, and now I have to go on the road for a couple of weeks.

I asked on this forum to get real answers from real people. I would like to thank those of you who are being honest and helping, and to the rest of you,well.....madii'swife said it best. So I won't comment on your lack of compassion for a fellow trucker.

Sounds to me like she's doing several possible things. a) getting really cold feet about the marriage and wants to throw hardball and see how you'll take it b)Is looking for a reason to drive you away c) wants to see if you'll change, and who really wears the "pants" between the 2 of you d) really has decided she wants babies and feels strongly about it

I would lean towards either a (if you two are close enough to married to be getting cold feet), or b.
Personally, I would never do such a thing to a relationship, if I wanted to end it that would be that, but..I am not really quite normal :lol:
I have known people who will push every button they can find when they get tired of a person. And I have known people who push hard when they're trying to find out what others reactions will be.
That said, I would be concerned if she's not committed enough to your relationship to be honest and open with the counselor ( who I will assume you both agreed to go to) who is there to help.
Best of wishes to you, and I hope she comes clean with whatever is troubling her.

We both went to a session together, and in 2 weeks when I get back we will be going to seperate solo sessions.
In the meantime I am trying to not let it get to me. 2 weeks on the road with an issue like this could create a safety problem. I would just end it before I would ever go to her extremes, or screw with a persons mind, but thats me. I'm trying to keep an open mind and wait till all the cards are on the table,
Thanks again.

He can blame me. That's the nice thing about not really caring. :wink:

Nothing personal Rev... Just making an obvious point. :wink:

good luck then
 

good luck and god bless

Thanks Rev, thats what I like about you,..consider yourself the blame of all my problems.

syl77dar,
I'm an OO (w/ my own authority) from St Petersburg Florida

Long day just shut down for the night.

Happy New Year everyone.

No problem. Glad to help. :wink:

I think it is very normal for a young woman in her 30's to want to have children - I think its a maternal instinct, rather than a betrayal to her not wanting kids in her 20's. You said she has a heart of gold and I bet she would be a great mom. Are you OTR? Have you talked about if she wants to have a stay at home dad, or if she truly wants to have a child and if she is capable of handling a baby and disciplining on her own while you are away? It sounds like you were VERY young when your 1st child was born. Things probably won't be as hard this time, now that you are older. I would try to figure out what scares you the most about having a baby - is it the emotional changes your wife would face, is it the responsibility? I didn't really want kids when I was in my 20's - I wanted a career and financial stability, but life happens- I am 33 and have a 7 and 5 year old now - and they have brought SO much happiness into my life! Financially we have struggled, but children see life on such a different level- they make everything worth living...I would not want to ever give that up or have not experienced it. It sounds to me if your girl really wants to have a baby then you really need to be open to discussing it and trying to figure out a compromise or plan that would make you both comfortable. Sounds like your both a little scared - and thats normal! I would try hard not to give up on your relationship without really thinking about it.

Ok, you said she isn't acting like herself lately, and you think something is wrong. Hmmmmm, I know you two arn't married as of yet. One question, have the both of you been doing the pre-marital thing?

If so, others may not know signs and symptoms until three months after the fact if she never tells. Just a possibility that hasen't been considered as of yet.

Maybe she wants to know how you would react if she does happen to get pregnant because the birth control device she used malfunctioned. Would you insist that she get an abortion. Would you flip your top, and later begrudgingly be "ok" with it. Would you really be happy with an unplanned pregnancy?

Depending on how she thinks you would react and if there is a possibility that she could be, she might decide to cut off the relationship now. Have the child without you ever knowing it. It might be best that way even if she wasen't, if you are dead set against having any more children ever.

The other possibility is that she may have told her mom she doesn't want to be with you. Her mom may have given you a hint with out actually coming out and telling you. You will have to do an assessment on how things have been going.

Also, buying a motercycle without talking about it is definitly up there with babies. Depending on her attitude towards money, it could be above discusing having children. Some women are explosive about it.

My husband found that out very quickly when he bought a new car without telling me first. First and last time he ever did that. Heck, now he even tells me when he needs to buy new shoes instead of just going out and buying them. He knows he is only safe if he uses the money in his bank account or pocket.

Hmmmm, maybe she is having second thoughts about you and how you manage money because you did just go out and buy the moter cycle without discussing it with her. I know the two of you are not married, but she may be asking herself what will you do that after you are married. If so, what type of things can she expect you to just go out and buy that would take away bill money or money the both of you were saving up for something or taken away from retirement savings.

Also, remember if you do not allow her to change her mind about having children and the both of you get married. Then she has all the right in the world to hold it against you when you decide to change your mind about something she doesn't agree with.

If you do marry her, you need to set aside every idea you have about rules. Marriage is a give and take. You will be marrying her for who she is. She will be marrying you for who you are. Ideas, wants, desires, hobbies, and everything else that can change will change. You both will have to bend with each other in more ways than one. (pun intended :oops: )

Yes, you will always have your arguements and heated disucssions. The biggest arsnal the both of you will have in your marriage is the willingness to forgive each other and the ability to communicate and talk with each other without getting angry after the initial conflict.

I'm glad to hear you are seeing a counciler. If you two can not make things work with a counciler now, then maybe it is best if you don't get married.

Also, have you asked her why she changed her mind, and really listened to her answer? If she responds with something about feelings or something inside of her, remember she has the right to change her mind, especially if something hormonal and biological is going on inside of her. She might have realized she wants a part of her to continue on, and the only way that could really happen is through a child. You already have your child that is a part of you that will continue on after you die. Your child will be there in your old age - hopefully. Your child isn't hers. Also, she just may want to know the joys of motherhood.

If your worried about postpodern depression, you could go into agreement with her that she will see a doctor and/or councler after her child to make sure every thing is ok in that regard. If she even feels the slightest bit depressed that she will call someone and see a doctor as soon as possible. If necessary, she will take anti-depressant medicine.

It sounds like your ex, went through a major depression after the child was born. It was never taken care of in the beginning, and just kept getting worse and worse until she tried to kill the both of you. It may have not been taken very seriously either since "Oh, well most women go through that afteer child birth. It's normal." BS.

I do hope and pray you think through every thing very carefully before you make any rash decisions. Let us know how everything turns out.