What would you do?
 

This has nothing to do with trucking, but I gotta ask..

Yesterday I was going over my bank account after I updated online with Quicken. I noticed a lot of cash withdraws from my joint checking account. Normally, my wife makes very few cash withdraws (maybe 3 or 4 in the past 6 months). After counting them, I found 11 in the past 30 days.

I asked my wife about them and after a number of calls to the bank, we're about 99.999% sure we know what happened.

My wife works with her daughter (25yrs old). They do housekeeping for a business that covers a number of buildings. My step-daughter works 1/2 of her shift with her mother, the other half at another building. They start the day out by sharing a ride to work, the step-daughter goes to the other building and then comes to work in the same building as my wife 1/2 way through the shift.

Every ATM withdraw has been done at a gas station next door to the building my step-daughter works at (5 miles from my wife) at the same time as when she leaves that building to join my wife. Also, every withdraw was done on the days that they work.

So, we know who's gotten hold of the card. She already changed the pin codes on the cards but the damage has already been done. I'm not overly concerned about the roughly $250 that's missing. What bothers me is how to handle it.

My wife already talked to her daughter. Of course, she denied it. So, what to do now... I told my wife that if her daughter would admit to it and pay us back (hell - $20 every month would be fine) we'd let it go and not say another word to her. What if she doesn't admit to it?

When I asked the bank about it, they said we can go in to have the bank refute the withdraws as they were done without our permission. The bank would then involve the police into the matter. You know where it would go from there...

So - what would you do?

No police, that is your step daughter! Me being the man of the house I would ask her myself. If she denies it change your code and let it go! Enough damage has already been done.

The ripple that it will cause in the family (grandkids) is not worth $250.00.

Live long enough your kids and grandkids are going to disappoint you from time to time

Just my 2 cents

Call your bank have them pull the photos from the atm. Its painless for them to do and they are going to do anyway to make sure ur not pulling a fast one on them.

2 reasons to do it

1 know for sure who did it

2 If she is telling the truth whos getting into your account?

You would feel bad if you banged your chest at her only to find out some computer geek copied your card one day while you used a atm.

And if they did your bank can go after them.


Now if they pull the tape and it is her, ask the bank for a copy and make her own up to it. Its not about the money its about personal responsibility.
If you let it go by the wayside now then when its 500 or 1000 your going to be expected to ignore it.

my 2c and IM 26

I agree with Wep. She needs to own up to it or nothing is gained and a lot more is lost.

Regardless of the relationship, it is a criminal matter. Whether you choose to involve the police or not is ultimately up to you. But I certainly wouldn't rule it out simply to keep the peace. :roll:

Get your proof from the ATM cameras and confront her. If she's sorry and offers to make restitution, then all is well, even if you tell her to forget about it. The point would be, she accepted responsibility for her actions and that's the most important thing.

Of course, if she's defiant, then I'd dispute it with the bank and let things fall where they may. If she's not smart enough to own up to screwing up, she deserves whatever consequences are on the horizon.

You could always take this approach:

Say to your step daughter: I need to ask you one more time. Did you take the ATM card and withdraw money from my account?

If she says no then tell her fine you just wanted to be sure before you file a fraud claim with the bank and they do a full investigation and press criminal charges. Since it is not you we won't have to worry about making visits on family day at the jail.

Then refute the charges and let the bank and police handle it. Just make sure your wife is on the same page.

The way I see it this is a criminal matter, and while it does suck big time that it is most likely a family member who has committed the crime, it is still theft. On top of that if it is your step daughter then she is lying about it. At 25 years old she is not a child anymore and it is time for her to face the consequences of her choices. I would call it one for tough love.

Some people make mistakes and they learn from them, and it's really unrelated to whether or not they admit the mistake to other people.

Some people make mistakes and they don't learn anything, this is also unrelated to whether or not they admit it to other people.

The important thing is do they admit the mistake to themselves?

Some people figure it out right away, some take awhile and some never figure it out.

If/when you're sure she did it, I would simply present her with the undeniable evidence. The fact that she's your wife's daughter complicates things because putting her in jail will stain her for the rest of her life. She will never live it down.

If she was my wife's daughter, I would give her a chance to learn from it.

If she doesn't learn from it, then she'll do it to someone else and that someone else can put her in jail.

Boy you all are harsh!

Of course. :roll: Standard mindset of today's parents...let someone else deal with it. :roll:

Heaven forbid parents actually parent today. Harsh or not, that's the simple truth. Parents don't want to parent anymore...they'd rather let someone else deal with it.

Twilight Flyer didn't you put a post one time that said the meek shal inherit the earth

Well what about being humble and forgiving in this sitiuation?

We are talking about a measely $250.00 dollar and your child! If this is the first time she as done something like this I would scold her real good, get my money back and forgive her!

Even if I don't recover my money if I can not forgive my own child then what does that say about me as a person?

But I will say if the child is found to be at fault and is not remorseful I would still let it go but I will know who and what I am dealing with in the future!

A parent should parent, not try to score points or look for the easiest route. Sometimes the difficult paths are the best teachers.

If you reread through my posts, you'll see that I do not advocate throwing her to the wolves without thought. I advocate confronting her.

If it were my daughter, I would confront her. If she admitted to it and was remorseful, I would probably forgive the debt but would let her know that it will take some work on her part to regain my trust in her.

If I confronted her and she denied it, I would get whatever proof I needed from the bank and would confront her a second time. In my eyes, she would have no choice now but to admit it. I'd make her repay the money in a way she was able to and would have a hard time trusting her for quite some time afterward.

If she remained defiant even after that 2nd confrontation, I would take it up with the bank and let her sink or swim on her own accord.

It's called teaching accountability. It's what precious few parents do these days and people wonder why the world is as screwed up as it is. :roll:

Twilight Flyer you mean to tell me you would let you daughter become a felon for taking $250 from you. LOL

I hear ya EYE FOR AN EYE!!!

+1

Tough love is hard but effective.

Thats the best idea i seen on here. I agree with U turn give her one last time to admit to it. If not let the bank handle it.

I have to agree.

Lets see....she's 25 years old...about 18 years past the point of knowing right from wrong. She may have STOLEN AN ATM CARD AND A PIN NUMBER.... THEN USED THE CARD REPEATEDLY. The theft of the ATM card and the PIN # are CRIMINAL ACTS not the acts of a "loving daughter". If she was to be considered so "darling", why did she not ask her mother for a "loan"? Simple....she has a bad edge to her, and is apparently stupid enough to believe that no-one would catch repeated withdrawals.... Oh, duh.

Confront her with the pictures, if the ATM pictures show it was she. If she tap-dances...tell her she is going to return the money with interest, in about 1 week. Tell her to get another job if she has to. Life is tough, but no-one says you have to eat :dung: for a relative, even a son or daughter.

Yes, you can "forgive" her. Thats the easy part. The hard part is to hold her accountable for her actions. If you fail to do that....YOU WILL GET HOSED AGAIN!! The difference will be that the next time around it will be for a greater amount. Forgiveness does not mean nor does it imply that you eat a :dung: sandwich for her misdeeds. The really hard thing will be trusting her in the future.....and it should be let known to her that it will be a long journey to earn back the trust.

ITS BEST TO BUST HER HUMP NOW, BEFORE SHE ENDS UP IN PRISON FOR FELONY THEFT FROM A STRANGER, OR HAVING THE :dung: BEAT OUT OF HER BY SOMEONE ELSE....OR A CELL MATE. Its called "TOUGH LOVE", and sometimes its what it takes.

Now, on the other hand....if the ATM pictures show someone else that you cannot recognize, then its a different ball game.

I agree with most others here, nip this in the butt, NOW!

She could also be testing you. You never know.

Even if the cops are called to investigate, odds are it would be up to you to press charges. You may need to call them to prove that it was her.

Thanks for all the replies. Everyone seems to be thinking the same thing that me and my wife are - make her admit to it. If she'd admit to it then, yes, we could forgive her, even if she can't repay us but she'd have a hard time earning our trust again. My wife is actually more upset with it than I am. She wanted to go to the police the first day. Luckily, I guess, I was out of town.

When I talked to the bank about it, here's basically what they had to say:
If we file a complaint with them stating that the charges were not made by us (wife and I) and that they were made without our permission, they basically take over from there. They would handle filing the charges with the police and that they (the bank) would press charges to the fullest extent regardless of who it was. Once it's in their hands, it's out of ours.

We're going to the bank tomorrow to get a list of all of the charges and to see if we can get pictures from the ATM before we file against the charges.

Best of luck. I hope it works out.

Does she have any priors?

Sorry, Changed my mind.

Malaki, sorry, I put a lot of time into that post and I didn't see your post till I was done.

Good luck, I know this isn't an easy decision for either you or your wife. The only thing you can really do is make sure you're both on the same page before you make the move.

Anyway, good luck to you, and especially, good luck to the daughter. In my experience, she's going to need a healthy dose of it.

Any bank worth its salt will allow you to see the photos knowing the problom at hand. If all else fails talk to a manager.

I wish you luck, I have a lil part of me that hopes when you see the pics your like WTF who is that.


Plz do let us know if you find out it wasnt she.

Let us know how it goes.

Pigrider, do you read anything before flying off the handle about things? :roll: :roll: :roll:

Maybe I miss understood your post? :? :? :roll:

I would try to get pictures from the ATM and find out what exactly is going on before you make any decisions. If it turns out it's your step-daughter, I would let your wife handle it. I would also keep the law out of it.

This is of course assuming that there is a camera with that particular ATM. Some of the independent ATM's that are privately owned do not have cameras to record every transaction, and some of those that do, the data often is not saved for very long.

And when she graduates to grand theft, larceny, auto theft, armed robbery, drug use, murder:
just give her a big old hug and tell her "it's OK, we don't care that you are scum, it's our fault anyway for not teaching you about responsibility and accountability."

Some of you guys need to wake up and get your act together.

I'm not sure that you can GET access to the ATM pictures without a court order OR the bank getting "involved." Like I said..... I don't KNOW!

I LIKE the advice of giving her another chance to fess up, with the THREAT of turning it over to the authorities. She's not too dumb to realize what that would mean.

Personally, since she HAS a job.... I'd be MORE concerned with WHY she felt she needed to steal from you. Drugs? Abortion? Something else?

This is a stark example of the differences in our world today vs. years ago when she could only steal from your cookie jar! Heck.... "I" did it! And my parents KNEW I was doing it! They dealt with ME on it.... and I learned a good lesson!

If you CAN'T talk to her, and get her to fess up, you have BIGGER problems than the missing money! :roll:

Pressing charges against a member of your family, especially an offspring, should be the LAST resort!

Here's a "method" she might relate to.... find a movie or YOUTUBE clip that relates to the situation, and ask her to sit and watch it. Leave the room, and give her some space to learn and grow. Instead of "confronting" her..... give her time to come to YOU and admit her mistake!

If she DOES..... YOU will look like the parent you should be. And SHE can claim the victory of making a moral leap!

If this fails, kill her and dump her body in the nearest river! :lol: :lol:

Peter DENIED Jesus 3 times, and yet was forgiven! In the end.... they BOTH knew what he had done, and the blessings of love!

It sounds to me as if you KNOW what happened. Involving the police would only make things worse. This is a family problem, and YOU are the judge and jury. How you handle it is more a reflection of YOUR character, than one of HERS.

Good luck, and I wish you the wisdom of Solomon!

If you KNOW what that means, you will KNOW what to do. IF not.... perhaps you should look for the answer you seek in the book of Truth instead of a trucker's message board. CLAIMING to be a follower of Christ, and BEING one, are vastly different.

As I"m sure YOU, of all people, should know.

any update????

Well - I stepped back and am letting my wife deal with her. It was literally driving me nuts and if I would've gotten hold of her, I'd probably be the one in jail. It was just one of those things I had to do to try to keep some peace, if you know what I mean.