| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
pronghornracer
Joined: 11 May 2006
Posts: 77
Location: Dallas, Georgia
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 24, 2006 3:59 am Post subject: Texas Chili Cook-off Contest |
|
|
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
hope for you.....I was crying by the end...
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first
two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook -off about the time Halloween
comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city
park.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili.....
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy $hit, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me 2
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili.....
Judge # 1 Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 2 people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili.....
Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans
Judge # 2 A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a Uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite! Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $&!+-faced
from all the beer....
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic....
Judge # 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili...
Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to
look HOT....just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover....
Judge #1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off of my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety....
Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I $&!+ myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat though the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili.....
Judge # 1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned pepers.
Judge #2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. * * I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he his cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it! I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili.....
Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but
spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili? |
|
| Back to top |
|
shyykatt
Joined: 06 Aug 2006
Posts: 2081
Location: MN
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 24, 2006 10:09 am Post subject: |
|
|
| :lol: :shock: :lol: :shock: :lol: |
|
| Back to top |
|
Angel
Joined: 15 Oct 2005
Posts: 288
Location: Georgia
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 2:37 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Its a rib cracker but done been posted a few times lol but still funny :lol: |
|
| Back to top |
|
4roses
Joined: 28 Aug 2004
Posts: 2010
Location: BrokenArrow, Oklahoma
|
| Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 1:12 am Post subject: |
|
|
|
|
| Back to top |
|
| |
Powered by phpBB 2.0.22 © 2001,2002 phpBB Group
|
|
