Tips to help you look like a pro

[jonp]

Make sure you use the speaker phone function on your cell and yell into it so everyone can hear your conversation. Pro's know that everyone wants to hear what they are saying.

When a state trooper stops you make sure you knock him/her off of your running board and then have them apologize for touching your truck. Only real pro's can get this done without going to jail.

Real Pros know that they don't have to turn over their logbooks to anyone other than DOT. Tell the State Trooper/Sheriff/Local that he doesn't have the authority to see it and argue the point. Real Pros always win this argument and go on their merry way without a problem.

When getting a truck inspection done at a scale real pros always show the DOT officer how to do it right. Pros know that they love to be shown how to do their jobs and appreciate the help.

[jonp]

That first one happened to me this morning at Princeton, WV. It was a SuddenLink employee who stepped out in front of me, my truck, and 34,000lbs. of cheap junk. Not 30 minutes after this, one of his co-workers in a pickup pulls right out in front of a Valley Proteins tractor-trailer. The moron in the pickup was on his cell phone, too.

Here's another few.
When pulling up to the guard shack at a customer, take the truck out of gear and coast, especially when you're right behind someone in line. Also, shut off the engine before applying the parking brake (if at all). A 'pro' can keep the truck stopped without brakes. (Yes, this just happened to me at the distribution center this evening... Yes, he was on his cell phone too.)
When backing, never use the four-ways, never alert anyone behind you that you're about to back up on the CB (if there's anyone there), and never, EVER, under any circumstances, get out and look. (The same cell phone wielding idiot pulled that same stunt on the yard while I was inspecting my trailer.)

I've never seen someone shut off the truck and coast up to a guard shack. What kind of numbnuts would do something like that....oh, yeah. A Real Pro.

[coalregion]

Real Pros know that they don't have to turn over their logbooks to anyone other than DOT. Tell the State Trooper/Sheriff/Local that he doesn't have the authority to see it and argue the point. Real Pros always win this argument and go on their merry way without a problem.

Also make sure to mention a Federal Marshall's personal phone # you have on speed dial for just such an occasion...8>)

[jonp]

Also make sure to mention a Federal Marshall's personal phone # you have on speed dial for just such an occasion...8>)

I didn't mention it because we are all pro's on this site and have it in our phones already. Just last week I had to call Walker Texas Ranger on a scalemaster. He's not a Marshall but can kick his butt if needed.

[headborg]

1st I got to say... I love this.. well done Fredog
but I got to play "Devil's Advocate" here a little.

always drive in the middle lane no matter what your speed. Let the amateurs find a way around you

I always run in the middle lane- my truck is faster than 90% of the other company trucks on the road- and if you're Union being paid by the hour why should you care? The center lane is the "safest"- allowing options of going left or right if the **** hits the fan up ahead. But agreed- if there's no damn traffic in that right lane/and or you're in a slow truck- get the frack out of my WAY!

When a veteran trucker offers advice, always say “that’s not how I was taught to do it.”

Never park in a marked space at a truckstops, these spaces are for amateurs, pros make their own spots.

That's because the amateurs are all "fair weather & solar powered" and by the time the "pros" come off the road--they have to make their own spots because the truck stop if full by dark. And another thing... just because there's a few inches of damn ice/snow is no damn excuse for parking 4 feet apart and crooked as hell. We could get a 100 more trucks in there.

If there is no place to make a spot, then park at the fuel pump.

If someone asks you on the cb to please move out of the middle lane, call them names and say things like
“you drive your truck and I’ll drive mine” this shows the other guy that you are a pro

Hell the ***** probably on the cell phone or jamming to RAP music on his IPOD or his turban is in his eyes and he can't see the right mirror. I'd just pass on the Right and blow my big AIR HORN at him and give him the Finger as I roll by.

If you want to pass and you see a truck coming up fast on your left, hurry up and cut over in front of him before he has a chance to get by, then after you take 5 miles to pass, wait until you get at least 50 truck lengths ahead and then get back over

But....
a. If you're running that fast, you're probably SPEEDING.
b. If you're traveling in the passing lane constantly - you're breaking the law.
c. If you can see ahead and know a truck of overtaking another... maybe you could tap your brakes... surely he's had his signal on to alert you he's going to pass.
d. Agreed, if you can't get around and back clear in 1 minute-- you shouldn't waste everyone's fracking time trying to pass another truck.

NEVER give up on a pass just because traffic is backed up 2 miles behind you, this would make it look like you are afraid

Hell, I wouldn't-- as long as you've got your tractor ahead-- You've won the damn race-- it's time for that other guy to concede defeat! And back out of it. You think I'm Pissed at waiting for you to get around him.. I'm really gonna be mad if NOW I have to slow down MORE for you to drop back behind.... Hell, I OWN the Left PASSING LANE! GET OUT OF MY WAY!

If you are in the truck being passed, NEVER slow down to allow the other guy to get by, maintain your speed, it is really helpful if you can get up more speed going downhill and make him start all over again, this shows that you are a real pro and cant be pushed around

If you are pulling doubles, always weave back and forth between lanes to discourage the amateurs from trying to pass you

When you stop to eat, after taking a crap NEVER wash your hands, just go straight to the buffet

When a truck gets over to let you merge onto the interstate, don’t let him back over, try your best to out run him, if you cant do it after 5 or 6 miles, then it is okay to let him over

When being passed at night, always watch the passing trucks right mirror, when you see the driver look in it, turn your brights on, leave them on for 10 to 15 seconds to be sure he sees them

When will they learn? it's OFF/ON not HIGH/LOW!

When driving in rain or snow or ice and you see other truckers taking it slow and easy, just maintain your speed and make fun of how scared they are. If you go in the ditch, tell the cop a truck ran you off the road

Well, I'm going to maintain my speed as long as I'm comfortable... I got enough to worry about up ahead- than to add- REACTING/ staying behind others... but you didn't specifically specify that scenario.

NEVER turn your lights on until it is totally dark, no since wasting good bulbs, marker lights are enough in the dusk and rain and snow and look cool

Night vision goggles $2000.00- helps when running "outlaw" and don't want to be seen- dodging the scales on back roads!

Every now and then share some of your music over the cb, this shows everyone that you really are a pro

If you are turning in and see a truck coming out, never wait for him, he will think you are an amateur and dont know how to turn, if he can drive, he can figure out how to make it

After you fuel, pull up and leave your truck parked there for at least 30 minutes, this is what pros do

When pulling in a weigh station and the green light is on, always stop on the scale and wait for someone on the cb to tell you to go

If the weigh station says maintain 45 mph, go 15. if it says 15 mph, go 40

NEVER slow down for construction zones, if your truck is governed, your foot should be on the floor at all times

If your truck isn’t governed just maintain whatever speed you were going. Only newbies slow down
These are just a few tips to help you look like a true modern day professional truck driver

Everyone is welcome to add to the list[/quote]


Oh, instead of turning your lights ON/OFF to single someone over-- never take your hand off the CB Mic-- and continue to assume he's got his ON--repeating ..." "Bring it over.. Bring it over....." to no avail.

[coalregion]

Your truck should also have more lights than downtown Las Vegas and enough chrome to make Stevie Wonder squint from the glare on a sunny day. Even if it's a company truck, you should spare no expense when it comes to this. No matter if your house is being repossessed and your kids are starving, a real pro rolls in style....

[Useless]

Dress for the job; a sleeveless undershirt with coffee stains, and some drops of yellow food dye strategically placed in the front, center of the shirt tail. Don't forget the belt buckle the size of a Mercedes Benz hub cap, along with the ostrich feathered roach clip hanging down from your cap.

Remember to get on the CB as soon as you clear the highway get-on ramp, and ask for bear reports. After you get your bear report, tell the driver who gave you the report that you just pulled out of the truck stop, so you can't give him anything in return.

Remember to talk on the CB about your record of military service. You were in Special Forces. A Green Beret or a Navy SEAL works well. No self respecting driver was ever a cook, or a postal clerk, a dental assistant, a phlebotomist, or a billeting clerk.

[jonp]

Dress for the job; a sleeveless undershirt with coffee stains, and some drops of yellow food dye strategically placed in the front, center of the shirt tail. Don't forget the belt buckle the size of a Mercedes Benz hub cap, along with the ostrich feathered roach clip hanging down from your cap.

Remember to get on the CB as soon as you clear the highway get-on ramp, and ask for bear reports. After you get your bear report, tell the driver who gave you the report that you just pulled out of the truck stop, so you can't give him anything in return.

Remember to talk on the CB about your record of military service. You were in Special Forces. A Green Beret or a Navy SEAL works well. No self respecting driver was ever a cook, or a postal clerk, a dental assistant, a phlebotomist, or a billeting clerk.

"
"my MOS was so classified that if I told you I'd have to kill you" works pretty good also.

[zoto1a]

Thanks for th advice, Now I know how to treat mytrainer nnext time I go out with him!!
Great post: Claping

IHS
ZOTOA

[zoto1a]

Your left out the hat!

[klleetrucking]

Hmmmm....jakes on, fully loaded so you refuse to brush the brakes a little more, yep...you're a pro. Lighter truck is going to be faster, so why not, at the top of said hill BEFORE you start to gain speed, let the faster/passing truck back over?? I know, because real pros dont use the brake pedal, they'd rather make an unsafe condition on the road when the PROFESSIONAL thing is to just (protect your virgin ears) slow down a mile or two an hour for 10-15 seconds. If you still find yourself gaining on the faster truck going downhill, then by all means pass him/her back.

what gets me are how so many drivers get all butt-hurt because they cannot fathom the idea of slowing down for a few seconds. They'd rather not only p!ss off the passing driver, but the dozen or so 4-wheelers who now are backed up in traffic. Nice job, Pro.

So let me get this straight,, you're passing a truck and gaining maybe 3 mph on the truck you're passing and can't get around, the guy your passing is supposed to let off and let you get bye?
The PROFESSIONAL thing to do is make sure you have enough truck to do the job before you even START.
I can't tell you the times when some J/O has tried to box me in with a 3 mile "pass".

Fredog, excellent, funny post, kudos.

[Jackrabbit379]

I had one in mind, but I can't remember what it was.
Maybe that helps me look like a pro.

[Useless]

There has been no mention of pee bombing!! And you people call yourselves "professional drivers"??

NOT!!

[Useless]

Make sure you have a CB that is equipped with an echo box and a Roger beep. Turn the echo up so that your transmissions become so garbled that no one can understand you. Then, turn your Roger beep switch in so that everyone listening will know that you just transmitted a message that was so garbled from the echo box that no one listening could understand you.

"RadioRay" would be and excellent person to consult on this matter.

[golfhobo]

So let me get this straight,, you're passing a truck and gaining maybe 3 mph on the truck you're passing and can't get around, the guy your passing is supposed to let off and let you get by?
The PROFESSIONAL thing to do is make sure you have enough truck to do the job before you even START.
I can't tell you the times when some J/O has tried to box me in with a 3 mile "pass".

Fredog, excellent, funny post, kudos.

Finally, someone ELSE who sees something wrong with this post! Sorry, Fredog... don't know why you didn't "get" my post and objection to what Kevin said. I was going to let it go. But, you see.... it's a "physics" thing!

Allan5oh said his truck was heavy and gained speed FAST on the downhill side. He also apparently has enough power to reach the top of the hill just a scant 1 mph or so less than the "lighter, faster truck" Kevin speaks of.

Maybe, I don't always convey what I'm thinking, but let me explain. Kevin's "lighter, faster truck" is probably GOVERNED at 65 mph or less. With NO WEIGHT in the box, it has no inertia to help it override the governor on the downhill side. So, even going DOWN the hill, it doesn't have the weight to exceed it's governed speed of 65 mph or less.

Allan's truck, on the other hand is heavy and perhaps ungoverned (or governed HIGHER than your average Swift or Knight truck!) So, he slows down a bit just before the apex of the hill, and then is poised to roll at 70mph or more on the downside. Kevin, in his Swift truck, just BARELY has enough speed to pass him just before the crest of the hill. He is dragging a mile long line of 4wheelers behind him because he insists on taking the fast lane and passing this heavy truck by ONE MPH!

At the top of the hill, Kevin/Swiftie pulls over in front of Allan and cannot go downhill more than 65 mph... forcing Allan to stand on the brakes WITH the full jakes to keep from running into the back of him.....OR....

Allan picks up speed and Kevin has to fall back in line behind him and let the 4wheelers go by.

Kevin asks why Allan can't just "pass him by on the downhill?" BECAUSE he is BOXED IN by a mile long line of 4wheelers that have stacked up behind KEVIN while he STRUGGLED to pass Allan on the uphill side!

JUST because a truck is "faster" at the top of a long uphill climb, doesn't mean it is the FASTER truck. And "lighter" is NOT a bonus except for the governed truck who can climb the hill faster because he's only hauling toilet paper.

Maybe YOU only drive on flatland roads, but I drive mountains or rolling hills every day, and it sounds like Allan5oh does, too. A REAL PRO knows how the physics of weight and governed speed affect his ability to make TIME through such conditions. KEVIN, and most other "poseurs" see only what is happening at the instant they are in.

"I'm FASTER right now, so HE should back off and let me in front of him because I reached the top of the hill FIRST!"

I know I've left the comedic trend of this thread, but a REAL PRO knows how the weight in his box, combined with the governor of his engine, affects his ability to CO-EXIST with other truckers out there who have a JOB to do!

I drive with my eyes in my mirrors, constantly assessing the abilities of the TRUCKS behind me (and even the 4wheelers.) If I think he is going to "block me," I may block him first. But, if I know that HE is the stronger truck, and "I" am the one holding him up.... I move over, slow down a bit, or even block traffic for him at times to make HIS life easier. THAT is what a PRO does! [BTW, my truck does 70.]

ANYONE and EVERYONE who drives a truck that is governed BELOW the speed limit for the road he is on, should consider the driver who ISN'T!! If you let him by, YOU will make better time in the long run. NOTHING pizzes a driver off more than to be passed by a 4wheeler OR a truck who thinks that 60 mph he was doing as he climbed that hill is the LIMIT of what he can do on the downhill side!

I know this thread was supposed to be humorous... and I enjoyed the heck out of it. But, I responded to Kevin's earlier post because HE didn't "get it" about real truckdriving. HE (with his rookie cap still fresh from the store,) berated a professional driver who he should have been LEARNING from.

A "lighter, faster truck" my friggin AZZ!! The WORST thing on the road is a driver hauling dispatcher brains in a 62 mph governed truck!! Can't go faster than you except on an uphill grade, while dragging a mile of 4wheelers behind him because THEY can go faster. And THEN, he wants to pull over in front of you on the downhill side and BOX YOU IN behind him, while 30 cars or more go by!

Any more questions?

[Roadhog]

Ooooh, oooooh, one of my favorites is the "pro-driver" aka "bigtimeloser*********moron" that insists on taking his cellphone into a stall in a rest room and talking to his "sweetie".... I don't know about you....but I prefer taking a dump without listening to some "yahoo" talking to his "main squeeze"..... Is nothing sacred anymore?

You don't mind if I repost this do you?


RestRoom Cell Phone

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, Trailer tire flat, incompetent dockworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with 24 oz. mug of coffee, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was planning for a Truck Stop to park for the day, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. As I was cruising down the Interstate, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the nearest Rest Stop.

I surveyed the five stalls, which were numbered 1 through 5;

1.Occupied
2.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3.Poo on seat.
4.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #2.

I trudged back, lined up with the door and backed in, dropped drawers, chocked my heels and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful ****ter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. ****ter was blathering to Mrs. ****ter about the ****ty day he had.
I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.
------
Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with the suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"
Next door I could hear fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth.... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
------
Alas, it is evidently difficulty to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I haven’t punished a toilet this severely in weeks. My God it was a Guinness Book Grade Rembrandt. This was definitely a 3 or 4 flusher. That’s if it doesn’t over-flow…then you have to just escape and evade.

As I left, I glanced to the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the restroom.

[golfhobo]

Ah yes.... I LOVE this time of year. A Christmas Classic for all time!

[Roadhog]

A Christmas Classic for all time!

Thanks!
Ya know...if you woulda only said xmas,
I could have gone off into a religious tirade.

[golfhobo]

Thanks!
Ya know...if you woulda only said xmas,
I could have gone off into a religious tirade.

Sorry. Did some guy named "X" get borned on that day, too? Never heard of him. Christ (whether real or not) is the "reason for the season!" Taking Christ out of Christmas is like taking the VETERANS out of Veteran's Day!

I'm no "PC" idiot, Hoggie. I'm no LIBERAL, either. Just so's you KNOW. When you argue against Liberals, you aren't even debating ME!

If I stand FOR something, it doesn't mean I HAVE to stand AGAINST another. THAT kind of thinking would make me a Conservative!

[Fredog]

Finally, someone ELSE who sees something wrong with this post! Sorry, Fredog... don't know why you didn't "get" my post and objection to what Kevin said. I was going to let it go. But, you see.... it's a "physics" thing!

Allan5oh said his truck was heavy and gained speed FAST on the downhill side. He also apparently has enough power to reach the top of the hill just a scant 1 mph or so less than the "lighter, faster truck" Kevin speaks of.

Maybe, I don't always convey what I'm thinking, but let me explain. Kevin's "lighter, faster truck" is probably GOVERNED at 65 mph or less. With NO WEIGHT in the box, it has no inertia to help it override the governor on the downhill side. So, even going DOWN the hill, it doesn't have the weight to exceed it's governed speed of 65 mph or less.

Allan's truck, on the other hand is heavy and perhaps ungoverned (or governed HIGHER than your average Swift or Knight truck!) So, he slows down a bit just before the apex of the hill, and then is poised to roll at 70mph or more on the downside. Kevin, in his Swift truck, just BARELY has enough speed to pass him just before the crest of the hill. He is dragging a mile long line of 4wheelers behind him because he insists on taking the fast lane and passing this heavy truck by ONE MPH!

At the top of the hill, Kevin/Swiftie pulls over in front of Allan and cannot go downhill more than 65 mph... forcing Allan to stand on the brakes WITH the full jakes to keep from running into the back of him.....OR....

Allan picks up speed and Kevin has to fall back in line behind him and let the 4wheelers go by.

Kevin asks why Allan can't just "pass him by on the downhill?" BECAUSE he is BOXED IN by a mile long line of 4wheelers that have stacked up behind KEVIN while he STRUGGLED to pass Allan on the uphill side!

JUST because a truck is "faster" at the top of a long uphill climb, doesn't mean it is the FASTER truck. And "lighter" is NOT a bonus except for the governed truck who can climb the hill faster because he's only hauling toilet paper.

Maybe YOU only drive on flatland roads, but I drive mountains or rolling hills every day, and it sounds like Allan5oh does, too. A REAL PRO knows how the physics of weight and governed speed affect his ability to make TIME through such conditions. KEVIN, and most other "poseurs" see only what is happening at the instant they are in.

"I'm FASTER right now, so HE should back off and let me in front of him because I reached the top of the hill FIRST!"

I know I've left the comedic trend of this thread, but a REAL PRO knows how the weight in his box, combined with the governor of his engine, affects his ability to CO-EXIST with other truckers out there who have a JOB to do!

I drive with my eyes in my mirrors, constantly assessing the abilities of the TRUCKS behind me (and even the 4wheelers.) If I think he is going to "block me," I may block him first. But, if I know that HE is the stronger truck, and "I" am the one holding him up.... I move over, slow down a bit, or even block traffic for him at times to make HIS life easier. THAT is what a PRO does! [BTW, my truck does 70.]

ANYONE and EVERYONE who drives a truck that is governed BELOW the speed limit for the road he is on, should consider the driver who ISN'T!! If you let him by, YOU will make better time in the long run. NOTHING pizzes a driver off more than to be passed by a 4wheeler OR a truck who thinks that 60 mph he was doing as he climbed that hill is the LIMIT of what he can do on the downhill side!

I know this thread was supposed to be humorous... and I enjoyed the heck out of it. But, I responded to Kevin's earlier post because HE didn't "get it" about real truckdriving. HE (with his rookie cap still fresh from the store,) berated a professional driver who he should have been LEARNING from.

A "lighter, faster truck" my friggin AZZ!! The WORST thing on the road is a driver hauling dispatcher brains in a 62 mph governed truck!! Can't go faster than you except on an uphill grade, while dragging a mile of 4wheelers behind him because THEY can go faster. And THEN, he wants to pull over in front of you on the downhill side and BOX YOU IN behind him, while 30 cars or more go by!

Any more questions?

Do you know why cops like to set up radar at the bottom of steep hills?