Goin Fer It's Wife needs some imput on home problem!!!

[Goin Fer It]

First of all I know maybe this should be in family support but I know that does not read and I really could use some of your advice on how you would handle this problem.

First of all I would like to say I am not going to tell my husband as there is really nothing he can do right now and I don't want to worry him as he has enough to deal with in training.

Friday my daughter who is ten was invited into a group. She goes to a Christian school and is a good girl. She happend to come upon three boys that were in her class they were listening to rapp (bad music). Because she found them they invited her into their group. They were using bad language, told her she has to be mean, told her that one of them had smoked crack, asked her to get some spray paint so they could spray paint on a school bad words.

These boys are headed to a path that I know where it will take them. I am not sure how I should deal with it.

1. Go to lunch and pull the three boys aside and have a good harsh heart to heart with them.

2. Talk to the school. Which they will more than likely not include me in any conversation with the boys.

3. Get in touch with the parents and ask to have a meeting with them.

I would like to know what other peoples thoughts would be on this.

I do know I will tell them if they hurt or mess with my daughter her big brother will come and stick up for her.

He is fifteen and just got his green belt in Karate. He had to do 250 push ups the other night on his knuckles. He is six foot and around 145.

I thought about pulling her from the school and either home schooling her or trying to get her into the same school as my son but she wants to stay for this year. And my seven year old also goes to the same school as she does.

Please let me know what you would do!

Thanks,
Goin Fer It's Wife

[GMAN]

It is good that your daughter confided in you. I think I would talk to their parents first. It might even be good to get all of them together and talk to them as a group. If I felt that didn't do any good, then I would go to the school. These kids need a firm hand at home. It sounds like they may not be getting the guidance they need from their parents.

[NascarFan]

I agree with Gman try and get ahold of the parents first and then if it dosen't stop talk to the school.

[Goin Fer It]

It is good that your daughter confided in you. I think I would talk to their parents first. It might even be good to get all of them together and talk to them as a group. If I felt that didn't do any good, then I would go to the school. These kids need a firm hand at home. It sounds like they may not be getting the guidance they need from their parents.

I thought about that also! If it were my child I would want to know. They are going down a very bad path that will end them up in jail and lots of wasted years.

The one kids parents I met at their younger daughters birthday party and I know they do not want the son on this path. The other kids dad I met about two years ago and it is a messed up situation, divorce and bad relationship.

Goin Fer It's Wife

[Goin Fer It]

I agree with Gman try and get ahold of the parents first and then if it dosen't stop talk to the school.

Thank you for you input!

Goin Fer It's Wife

[Rokk]

Be as i live the same place as you do, this concerns me. if you will get in touch with me, i know a youth pastor as well that could get in touch with the family's as well as the school. this is an issue that needs to be dealt with before it gets out of hand. we are a small community here, and it would be devastating to condone that behaivior. we dont need another tragedy like one left By Duncan himself or worse.

I would guess the parents possibly dont know how their kids are acting. I would want to know. but i would bet that they would be more receptive if persons of officality were to contact them. As parents we are all protective. however. we all know that confrontation has its drawbacks.

[Goin Fer It]

Thanks, I will try and give you a call!

Goin Fer It's Wife

[yoopr]

Sounds like Gang Bangers in the Making
Not sure about talking with the Parents because I'm sure they would know if they're taking drugs and doing the Gang Thing and obviously they're doing a crappy job raising their kids.

[Goin Fer It]

Sounds like Gang Bangers in the Making
Not sure about talking with the Parents because I'm sure they would know if they're taking drugs and doing the Gang Thing and obviously they're doing a crappy job raising their kids.

I just spoke with Rokk and he agrees that the parents may not be the best option. He said they could be the type that would be in denial. He feels that it may be best to go to the school administrators since it is occurring at school and first find out how they would handle this and what their policies are. Then let the administrators at the school deal with the parents.

I think I will also make it a point to be there for a while at lunch time!

Goin Fer It's Wife

[TimberWolf]

Yoopr wrote:
Sounds like Gang Bangers in the Making
Not sure about talking with the Parents because I'm sure they would know if they're taking drugs and doing the Gang Thing and obviously they're doing a crappy job raising their kids.
_________________

Yoopr you never cease to amaze me, Its a good thing you know these parents first hand otherwise you would never be able to comment on their parenting abilities.
Oh wait a minute I forgot your a conservative (I Think) you like to jump the gun and bury people with out knowing all the facts.
Your logic is flawed.... Your thinking is wrong.

While I grew up in a small mountain community Evergreen CO, I am sure much like Couer d'Alene, ID You have all sorts of outside influences, does that make the parents bad? My father's influence did not strike upon me until I reached 30 years old it took a while for his beliefs to take, half of what I did as a child he had no clue. Why you ask, not because he was oblivious but rather because I did a great job in hiding it as do most children.
Children try to find a way to fit in with what ever group will accept them,
As a teen I only hung out with the freaks they accepted me for who I thought I was.
My oldest daughter now 20 hung out with every group in her school she has friends from all cliques and did not succumb to the challenges of drugs or crime. Do I know why she turned out so well? Hell no we just got lucky we talk to our girls and I have never hidden my cloudy past from them even my 11 year old knows a good portion of my past. We talk to them and tell them to use their heads and think of the consequences of their actions. Sometimes they listen and other times they screw up.
That is life and part of the lessons we all learn. Hopefully as we grow so does our mentality.

As far as allowing your 15 year old to stick up for her, please do not let him use force as it will only get him in trouble, not worth it. Try talking to the parents first if that does not work then go to the school, if that fails then you go to the police, hopefully it will be nipped in the bud with the parents.

Yes Yoopr there are some parents who could care less and never should be allowed to raise children, however I refuse to believe they are the majority.....

It Is What It is....

Timberwolf

[Goin Fer It]

Yoopr

I doubt the parents know what they are doing. But it is hard to say what the home life is like.

Many parents are in the mind set that their little angels would never do that and may attack me if I bring it out without the school being involved.

I agree about little gang bangers in the making.

Goin Fer It's Wife

[TimberWolf]

Goin Fer It wrote:
I just spoke with Rokk and he agrees that the parents may not be the best option. He said they could be the type that would be in denial. He feels that it may be best to go to the school administrators since it is occurring at school and first find out how they would handle this and what their policies are. Then let the administrators at the school deal with the parents.

Your right they may be in denial, However speaking for myself I would want to be able to say I tried to fix the problem first by talking with the parents, If they are the my kid is an angel type of parent then go to the next level, the school, and follow this path all the way through.
How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your 15 year old drop kicks some kid after school and the parent goes to the school or police before talking with you... Just a thought to think about.
Give the parents a chance first we all deserve that in the least. If it does not work then move up the ladder.

It Is What It Is...

Timberwolf

[Goin Fer It]

TimberWolf

I agree with some of what you said that many parents may not know what their kids are doing.

But I am sure that they know what type of music and what type of shows they watch. Parents can't let the kids read, watch and listen to things and expect them not to have any impact on their lives.

As I use to tell my son "Garbage In" "Garbage comes out". And there are many parents unfortunately like my brother that have no clue that everything they watch and here and the kids that they hang out with are going to have far more of an impact than parents at a certain age.

I think if my son just told them they should not hurt or mess with his sisters that would be enough that they would have an understanding. Actually I think if they saw my son and at one point my daughter said something about her brother not wanting them to mess with her that would be sufficient. I would not allow my son to use full force against someone that small. Maybe grab them by the arms and scare the daylights out of them. But if a boy at 10 years old hits a girl he needs to understand that he is not to do that.

Goin Fer It's Wife

[Goin Fer It]

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your 15 year old drop kicks some kid after school and the parent goes to the school or police before talking with you... Just a thought to think about.
Give the parents a chance first we all deserve that in the least. If it does not work then move up the ladder.

It Is What It Is...

Timberwolf

Timberwolf,

I would not care how I found out as long as I did find out about it. If the parents do not handle it then my daughter is at school facing the repercussions of it.


What if I was a parent that thought well boys will be boys and my son drop kicked the kid again for telling? Would you feel safe putting your kid in that situation?

I am the type of parent that would want to know and would straighten things out. But many are not.

Goin Fer It's Wife

[Useless]

Ultimately, I think what it comes down to is your daughter, the choices that she makes, and the relationship that she has with you. The fact that she was willing to discuss this with you speaks highly for her trust that she has in you.

I appreciate your desires to want to "fix" the situation, but the way I see it is that these kids would not be making these choices if some other things in their lives were not amiss. Consequently, going to the other kids' parents could prove to be counterproductive in the end.

Do I recommend talking with your daughter's teachers and her school counselor?? Absolutely!! I think that it would most certainly be in her best interest for you to do so.

When our daughter (11 going on 19!!) as been confronted with similar situations, we have always turned her thoughts back towards her; meaning that we ask her to look at the situation, and the choices that her peers are making, and asking her if that is the type of person she wants to be. During those conversations, we have always emphasized that if she did make the wrong choices, then we would still love her.

Rather than focus upon potential punishment, we challenge her to consider the consequences of her decisions and actions, the damage and the harm that she risks causing herself, and the doors of opportunity that she risks closing.

The rule in our home is that all of us will make the wrong decisions in life at some time or another. If she finds herself in that situation, then the sooner we find out about it, the better we will be able to help her. As I have told her many times, "I have to trust you to come to me and tell me the truth." "In return, you have to trust me to know that when you do, I will do everything that I can to help you"!!

Your daughter is at an age where much of the world is changing very suddenly and unexpectedly. In situations such as yours, children need to be able to "check in", and be reassured of where they stand with their parents, and whether or not their parent's love for them is truly unconditional.

So far, from what you have shared with us, she has done an excellent job of making the right choices in life. That means that somewhere along the way, you and your husband have done a lot of things right!!

Peace, Prayers, and Blessings,
Useless

[yoopr]

choices if some other things in their lives were not amiss. Consequently, going to the other kids' parents could prove to be counterproductive in the end.


Once in awhile You're right on Useless and that's why I said what I said. If a Kid was on Drugs the only reasons the Parents wouldn't know about it would be 1). Denial-2). They're on drugs themselves.

[Goin Fer It]

Do I recommend talking with your daughters teachers and her school counselor?? Absolutely!! I think that it would most certainly be in her best interest for you to do so.

Rather than focus upon potential punishment, we challenge her to consider the consequences of her decisions and actions, the damage and the harm that she risks causing herself, and the doors of opportunity that she risks closing.

The rule in our home is that all of us will make the wrong decisions in life at some time or another. If she finds herself in that situation, then the sooner we find out about it, the better we will be able to help her. As I have told her many times, "I have to trust you to come to me and tell me the truth." "In return, you have to trust me to know that when you do, I will do everything that I can to help you"!!


Peace, Prayers, and Blessings,
Useless[/color]

One thing I do also stress is the consequences of their decisions. Because when they are older if they make the wrong choices or mistakes their will be harsh consequences and ones that by that time parents won't be able to help their children.

I know she does not want to be that type of person. I pray over my kids every day before I let them out of my mini-van.

I do not want the boys messing with her or hurting her though.

I will go in tomorrow and speak with the school administrators. There are only eight kids in her class so it is small.

If it is not dealt with and they begin to mess with her, I will pull her out and home school her. And I may very well have to think about doing that with my 7 year old too, as I would not want to leave her in the school without her sister there.

I have the school desk and everything still from when I home-schooled them a few years back. I would just need to get the curriculum.

Thank you for the blessings! It has seemed like I have been under an attack lately!

Goin Fer It's Wife

[Useless]

Coming from you, Yooper, I take that as quite a compliment.

Thanks!!

[yoopr]

Nobody is attacking you.

[Goin Fer It]

choices if some other things in their lives were not amiss. Consequently, going to the other kids' parents could prove to be counterproductive in the end.


Once in awhile You're right on Useless and that's why I said what I said. If a Kid was on Drugs the only reasons the Parents wouldn't know about it would be 1). Denial-2). They're on drugs themselves.

Number 3: Parents are to self-involved with their own lives to care about their kids. They leave the government and other people to raise their kids.

Number 4: They are not involved with their kids lives and they want their kids to handle their own problems. They need to grow-up. I saw this with my brother. No real parental intervention until it was to late. It is like well there were drugs and this and that when I was in school and I am fine now!

My brother does not smoke cigarrettes but his now 19 year old son who is in rehab and has been for a year started when he was about 11. And his 17 year old son started about 12. He did not put a stop to it or find out where they were getting money to pay for their cigarrettes.

The 17 year old now chews tobacco instead of smoking and my brother made him get a job so I hope he will stay out of trouble. But with his friends it will be tough. They are the wrong kind of kids headed down a bad path.

Goin Fer It's Wife