Noah's Ark: Today's Version

[Southron]

It’s the 21st century and Noah lives in the United States. One day the Lord appears to Noah in a vision and says, “In one year I will make it rain and I will cover the whole Earth with water until all wickedness is destroyed. But I want you, Noah, to save the righteous people and two of every living thing on Earth. Therefore I command you to build an ark.” In a flash of light, God delivered the specifications for the ark into Noah’s mind. Filled with fear and trembling, Noah began preparations for construction. “Remember” said the Lord, “You must complete the ark and bring everything aboard in one year!”

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds began to cover the entire surface of the earth and all the oceans began to pitch and rage. The Lord finds Noah sitting in his front yard, weeping. “Noah!”, He boomed, “where is the ark that I commanded you to build?” Noah looked up, wiping the tears from his eyes, “Please forgive me, Lord.” cried Noah, “I did the best I could, but there were so many problems! First, I had to go to get a permit for construction, but your plans did not comply with city codes. I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw the plans. Then I got in trouble with OSHA because there was no fire system or flotation devices. Next, my neighbor objected, claiming that I violated city zoning ordinances by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the ark because the US Forestry service had imposed a ban on cutting trees to protect the spotted owl. After I finally convinced them that I needed the wood to save the owls, the US Fish and Wildlife Service would not let me catch any owls. The carpenters I hired joined the Teamsters and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the AFL/CIO. Now I have 16 carpenters, but still no owls. When I tried rounding up the other animals, I was hit with a joint lawsuit by Greenpeace and PETA. They objected to me taking only two of every kind of animal aboard. Just as I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They did not like the idea that they had no control over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. The US Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the new proposed flood plan, so I sent them a globe. Right now I am I am trying to resolve a complaint filed against me by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking any godless, wicked people aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I am building the ark so that I can flee the country to avoid paying my taxes. I recently received a notice from the state claiming that I owe them some sort of user tax and failed to register the ark as a ‘recreational watercraft.’ Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the ark. They claim that since God is flooding the Earth, it is a religious event, and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don’t think I’ll be able to finish the ark for another 5 or 6 years!” Noah plopped his head in his hands and began to cry once again.

Suddenly, the skies began to clear, the sun began to shine and the oceans began to calm. A rainbow streaked across the blue sky. Noah looked up hopefully, “Does this mean that you’re not going to destroy the Earth after all?” “No” said the Lord sadly, “I don’t have to. The government already has.”