Email jokes

[Roadhog]

A very good magician has hypnotized an entire audience.
He has them under his complete control and they are willing do whatever he tells them to do.
Unfortunately, at the vital moment, he trips over the microphone cord, lands on his butt and says "sheit!"

[Roadhog]

A man goes to a train station to visit a friend in Pittsburgh. He gets to the ticket window where the agent is a busty woman, and stammers "I want a picket to titsburg, uh, uh, I mean a ticket to Pittsburgh, sorry".

The agent says "don't worry, I get that all the time". Later at his friend's house, the man tells the story of his mistake.

His friend says "That's called a Freudian slip. It happens all the time and nobody minds. Why, just last night I was having dinner with my wife. I meant to say pass the salt, but instead it came out as--- you freakin bimbo you ruined my life!"

[Roadhog]

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand... chunks is my Dog!!"

[Roadhog]

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!



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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy".
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He
takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the
door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his
head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and
takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'way". He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife,
Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up
Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[Roadhog]

The Pope & Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Madame Speaker & The Pope, however, have seen it all before.

To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture & cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do...

"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make many people in the crowd, & many around the world, go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, & they will forever speak of this day & rejoice."

The speaker seriously doubts this, & says so. "One little wave of your hand & so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

[Roadhog]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,'
she retorted indignantly.

'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell' Mississippi'.'

[Jackrabbit379]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,'
she retorted indignantly.

'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell' Mississippi'.'

That's pretty good.
Emm eye, crooked letter crooked letter..

[Jackrabbit379]

Right before surgery, Jim asked the doctor about the outcome. "Hey doc." Jim Said. "Will I be able to get back to playing in the band in a few days?" Doctor said, "I tell ya what...The last feller that came in for the very same surgery was playing the Harp within 24 hours".

[Roadhog]

Good one Wabbit! I gotta 'nother one.

A priest and a nun decide to go golfing one day. For a while, the two enjoy their round peacefully, but on the 3rd hole green, the priest misses an easy putt and yells out, "[*@#%]! I missed!" The nun turns to him and says, "Father please don't swear!" He grumbles under his breath and returns to the game. When they reach the next green, the priest is in the same position and misses the putt once again, he then yells out, "[*@#%]! I missed!" Once again the nun says, "Please Father, don't swear like that!" He then grumbles under his breath and they resume playing. On the next hole, they make it to the green, and once again the priest misses his easy putt and shouts "[*@#%]! I missed!" At this point the nun says, "Father, if you don't stop swearing, then God will strike you dead!" They then continue to the next hole, and for the fourth time, the priest misses a simple putt on the green, he yells, "[*@#%]! I missed!" Then the sky darkened, the wind picked up, hail fell from the clouds and pummeled the earth, then God himself appeared in the sky and unleashed a thunderbolt which struck the nun and killed her, the the Almighty turned his face upward and said, "[*@#%]! I MISSED!"

[Jackrabbit379]

Yep.

[Roadhog]

My brother-in-law just sent me this one...

YouTube - marriage described through horse race, not for kids

[Jackrabbit379]

"Jim, you don't sound too good." "Junior, I got a bad cold. It's somethin terrible." "What you take for it?" "Take for it? Junior, I'd let ya have it!"

[Roadhog]

TOOLS AND THEIR USES

Many people have a collection of tools in their possession but are not aware of what these tools can do. Here is a proven list of what is accomplished with these tools:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh — ‘

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to round off bolt heads entirely. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. (And the inside of my garage can prove it.)

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMM-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Roadhog]

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH*T (Special HighIntensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SH*T it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH*T, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SH*T you can handle.

[Roadhog]

During a ride in a taxicab
the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab.
Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.
Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that.
This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".

[Roadhog]

What did the leper say to the prostitute after their date?
Keep the tip.


Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga." The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary.

The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga." He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!

[Jackrabbit379]

Where oh where are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over and I thought I'd found true love.
But you met another and pthfffffpth you was gone.

[Jackrabbit379]

"Hey Joe, I had a gal stand at my front door last night, and I didn't let her in." "You didn't let her in? Why not?" "Well, cause I figured she'd try to run back out."

[Jackrabbit379]

McDonalds just announced their new Obama meal. You order what you want and the person behind you pays for it!

[Roadhog]

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

All the passengers hear it.
As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"