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[Roadhog]

[Roadhog]

This was on Jay Leno’s “Tonight” show. Probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.'
And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

[Roadhog]

[Jackrabbit379]

Did yall hear about the lightening that struck the hen house?


All of a sudden, everyone got some southern fried chicken!

[Roadhog]

[Roadhog]

I think this guy would FAIL as a motivational speaker.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XI3U...has_verified=1

[Jackrabbit379]

Here's a real waterbed. I guess it was in Germany or somewhere. Make ya think about "checking out" the display beds at the mall.

[Jackrabbit379]

During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google,
it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySaltLak eCity"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.

[Roadhog]

Scariest Job On Earth....

(this video keeps getting taken down, because they show guy's climbing against
OSHA rules)

Scariest Job On Earth - Bing Videos

[Jackrabbit379]

Bill Washer, with the help of his brother, Dave, started selling shoes in 1956.
Washer Bros shoes were open for 50 years.
In 2006, Bill and Dave Washer merged with their long time friend and business partner, Jim Ashe.
The name of their business was changed to, Washer Ashe.

[Roadhog]

The name of their business was changed to, Washer Ashe.

Next to Eileen Yulick, Phil McCrevis and Justin McCrake Law Firm... Yulick McCrevis & McCrake???

[Roadhog]

This is straight forward country thinking......Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.

You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You may be a Muslim

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

You may be a Muslim

10. Your cousin is president of the United States .

You may be a Muslim

[Roadhog]

Former president Bush and president Obama happen to be in the same barber shop getting haircuts.
The barbers keep the conversation to a minimum for fear that it may turn to politics.

After finishing up Obama's shave, the barber asks if he would care for some aftershave to which Obama replies "no thanks, I don't want the wife to think I smell like I've been at the w*horehouse".

They finish up with Bush and ask him if he would care for some aftershave. Bush says "sure why not? My wife has no idea what the inside of a w*horehouse smells like."

[Jackrabbit379]

Former president Bush and president Obama happen to be in the same barber shop getting haircuts.
The barbers keep the conversation to a minimum for fear that it may turn to politics.

After finishing up Obama's shave, the barber asks if he would care for some aftershave to which Obama replies "no thanks, I don't want the wife to think I smell like I've been at the w*horehouse".

They finish up with Bush and ask him if he would care for some aftershave. Bush says "sure why not? My wife has no idea what the inside of a w*horehouse smells like."

[Jackrabbit379]

A motorist stopped his car on the outskirts of town and asked directions from an elderly farmer working in a field with a horse-drawn plow. The farmer appeared to be in his late sixties, and the stranger was impressed with the vigor with which he tackled his chores.

"Aren't you a little old to be doing heavy work like this?" he asked.

"Ain't so bad," the farmer replied. "My pa is an awful big help."

"Your father is alive?"

"Yup. That's him up by the barn there, pitching manure."

The stranger spotted the old gentleman in the distance. "But that's amazing. How old is he, anyway?"

"Pa's 86."

"I can't believe it. A man his age ought not to be exerting himself like that."

"Well, ordinarily Grandpa is around to help."

"You have a grandfather? Good heavens, how old would he be?"

"Hundred and three."

"This is astonishing. Where is he now?"

"On his honeymoon."

"You mean to tell me that he just got married? Why on earth would a man his age want to do that?"

"Didn't want to. Had to."

[Roadhog]

Nice Scotland countryside vid...
Those who remember Wot... he lives at the base of the Edinburgh Castle in the beginning of the video.

[robertt]

LOOKING FOR WORK

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."


The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."


A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."




The U.S.doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA, about 2 years ago, we grabbed a person from KENYA with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole country is looking for work.

[Roadhog]

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

[Roadhog]

Hey man... go fly a kite!