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Thread: Email jokes

  1. 03-12-2010 07:56 PM #41
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    The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
    Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

    After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

    Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

    Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the
    last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

    Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Danish."
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  2. 03-14-2010 01:48 PM #42
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  3. 03-16-2010 05:48 PM #43
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    Default For the Orange guy from Texas

    A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Texas one day.
    As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' (means 'getting ready to' in Texas) to jump.
    She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

    He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

    She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

    He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids.."

    She said, "Well, Remember the Alamo" . . . .

    He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''

    She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.''
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  4. 03-17-2010 09:36 AM #44
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    That's a good one! I haven't heard that one!


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  5. 03-17-2010 09:12 PM #45
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    Hi, WHATS YOUR NAME?

    A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
    "My name is Carmen," she told him.
    "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
    "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

    "What's your name?" she asked.
    "Beertits," he said.

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  6. 03-17-2010 09:28 PM #46
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    There were 3 nuns who had to paint a room. The head nun said to the three: "You must not get a drop of paint on your clothes".
    So the nuns got their paint ready. Wondering how to not get a drop of paint of their clothes, one came up with the idea that they would take off their clothes, so they wouldn't spill paint on them.
    This worked well, and after awhile, they heard a knock at the door. Fearing that it would be the head nun, they asked: "Who is it?"

    "Blind man" the person replied.
    They thought that no harm would be done allowing a blind man into the room so they opened the door and the man said: "Whoah! Nice boobies! Where do you want your blinds?"

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  7. 03-19-2010 05:54 PM #47
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    As a woman passes by her daughter's closed bedroom door, she hears a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she sees her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What are you doing?"

    "Mom," her daughter replied, "I'm 35 years old, and this is about as close as I'm going to get to a husband."

    Next day, Dad hears the same thing. Upon opening the door, he observes his daughter making mad, passionate love to her vibrator. Shocked, she says, "Dad, I'm 35 years old, and this is as close as I'm ever going to get to having a husband."

    A couple days later, Mom comes in from shopping and hears the same buzzing coming from the living room. She enters that area and observes her husband sitting on the sofa, downing a beer and staring at the TV. The vibrator on the couch, buzzing away like crazy. Wife asks, "What the heck are you doing?"

    "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."
    Destroy the cities...
    and they will rebuild them.
    Destroy the farms...
    and grass will grow in the streets of the cities.

    Destroy the economy of the blue-collar worker...
    and grass will grow in the executive offices.

    The bill has come due.
    ( R E T I R E D , and glad of it)

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  8. 03-19-2010 06:01 PM #48
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    This beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office, and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window.

    He tells her to take off her pants, and she does. Then, he starts rubbing her thighs, and asks, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

    "Yes. Checking for abnormalities."

    He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, and she does. Then, he starts rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

    "Yes. Checking for cancer."

    He tells her to take off her panties, and she does. Then, he lays her down on the examining table, climbs on top and starts having sex with her. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

    "Yes. Getting herpes. That's why I'm here."
    Destroy the cities...
    and they will rebuild them.
    Destroy the farms...
    and grass will grow in the streets of the cities.

    Destroy the economy of the blue-collar worker...
    and grass will grow in the executive offices.

    The bill has come due.
    ( R E T I R E D , and glad of it)

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  9. 03-19-2010 06:07 PM #49
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    The government announced today, that it's changing it's emblem from an eagle to a CONDOM
    because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance...
    A CONDOM allows for inflation,
    halts production,
    destroys the next generation,
    protects a bunch of dicks,
    and gives you a sense of security while you're being screwed.
    Damn, it just doesn't get any more accurate than that.
    Destroy the cities...
    and they will rebuild them.
    Destroy the farms...
    and grass will grow in the streets of the cities.

    Destroy the economy of the blue-collar worker...
    and grass will grow in the executive offices.

    The bill has come due.
    ( R E T I R E D , and glad of it)

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  10. 03-19-2010 06:39 PM #50
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  11. 03-23-2010 10:41 AM #51
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    .................................................. ............Oriental eye test.

    .........................................

    ............................................Can't read what it says, pull corner of your eyes.

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  12. 03-23-2010 12:33 PM #52
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    One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
    'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!' 'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey' asked the blonde.
    Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
    He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling Irishman and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; 'Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'


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  13. 03-23-2010 12:59 PM #53
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    Default Getting old

    Your kids are becoming you...and your kids made mistakes in life...but your grandchildren are perfect!

    Going out is good.

    Coming home is better!

    When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"

    When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything ...movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

    You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

    The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

    You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... especially golf.

    Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

    The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

    Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed.

    Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

    You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

    When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

    You used to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?" ???

    Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

    You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've already read it once.

    Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

    What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

    Everybody whispers.

    Now that your husband has retired ... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

    You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never wear.


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  14. 03-23-2010 01:01 PM #54
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    Having trouble cooking for a large party?
    Try the super hot dog party cooker!



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  15. 03-24-2010 06:45 PM #55
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    This crazy chic gets out and flips off a dozen cops then keeps going...


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  16. 03-25-2010 10:33 AM #56
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    Dag gum!
    What kept that little car from rolling over?? Is it that low to the ground? Surely they fast-forwarded that. I couldn't imagine that little car taking off that fast.
    Man...that was some chase. She did a good job keeping it upright. Probably some loon that had a bunch of warrants or something.


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  17. 03-28-2010 03:53 AM #57
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    Funny Beer commercial.


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  18. 03-30-2010 10:01 AM #58
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    Did he say, "Where the fox at?" or did he say, "Wear the fox hat?"



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  19. 04-02-2010 05:34 AM #59
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    Some Easter Egg coloring ideas






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  20. 04-02-2010 05:53 PM #60
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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.



    For the sake of civility, and to keep it from


    getting sunburned, he had a hat over his


    privates.




    A woman walks past and says, snickering,


    "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."





    He raised an eyebrow and replied..............

    "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
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