you ladies ever try waxing?
THE DIRECTIONS SAY.........!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...........the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just
rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart
and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right
off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get
out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah......right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It
works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I
apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the
right half of my who-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek
(Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself........RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!........OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning,
I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another
deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may
pass out.....must stay conscious......Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe.......OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on
it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head
down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on
the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most
sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted
hair.
T
hen I make the next BIG mistake........remember my foot is still propped up on
the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DARN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Who-ha? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run
the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of
war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having
your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued
to the bottom of the tub.......in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt
cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put
in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how
to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha
are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does
try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located.......... "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now.........I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through
various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax
off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure
I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this vent.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace..........the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose
at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared
the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair.........THE HAIR IS STILL THERE............ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could
have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color........
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Originally Posted by flood
