Jokes my wife wishes I'd forget
A grizzly bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
"I'll have a beer," he says.
The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but we can't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
"What? Come on, I've had a helluva day, just give me a beer."
"No, we can't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
"Look, buddy, I'm not going to tell, I'm not a cop, ok? All I want is a beer," says the bear, getting more upset.
"I'm sorry, but like I told you, we can't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings," says the bartender.
Now the bear's getting really PO'd. "I'm serious, man, if you don't give me a beer, I'm gonna go eat that woman over there! I mean it!"
"And I mean it - we can't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"OK! I warned you!" The bear walks over, eats the woman, and comes back to the bar. "Now will you please just pour me the damn beer?!?!"
"I'm sorry, but we can't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings on drugs."
"ON DRUGS!?!?!? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I'M NOT ON DRUGS!" yells the bear.
"Sure you are," replies the bartender, "that was a barbituate!"
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A pirate walks into a bar. "Yarrgh, I'll have a beer."
The bartender pulls him a beer and says, "Hey, I can't help noticing that you have a steering wheel on your belt buckle. What's that there for?"
"Yarrgh," says the pirate, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
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A guy is standing in a very, very long line. "Man," he thinks to himself, "I hope this line moves fast, I'm really hungry!" Finally, he gets to the front. "Whew, that was a long line! I'll have a Polish sausage."
The guy behind the counter looks at him for a minute before replying. "You're Polish, aren't you?" he asks.
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am Polish! How'd you know?" the Polish guy replies, a little flustered.
"Well, you ordered a Polish sausage."
Now he's a little confused, too, and getting upset. "So what, if I ordered an Italian sausage you'd assume I was Italian? Or if I ordered a taco, you'd assume I was Mexican?"
"No! Of course not!"
"So why, just because I order a Polish sausage, do you automatically assume that I'm Polish?!"
"Well," says the counterman, looking around him, "for starters, this is Home Depot!"
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A skeleton walks into a bar and say "I'll have a beer and a mop."
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(This one requires a Scottish brogue, which I can't type very well. You can try and imagine it, or maybe Wot'll come along and do it for me later...)
A Scotsman walks into an empty pub and sits down angrily at the bar. "Och ae! Give me a baer!"
The barkeep pours a beer, which the Scot drinks with shocking speed. "Och," he says, pointing at a table in the corner, "d'yae see tha' table?? I built tha' table, but they dinna call me MacGregor the tablebuilder, now, do they?!?? Gimme another baer!"
He throws back the second just as quick as the first, then points out the window. "D'yae see that dock, out on the loch? I built that dock, but they dinna call me MacGregor the dockbuilder, now, do they?!?? Och! Gimme another baer!"
The bartender pours the beer and says "Mr. MacGregor, don't yae think yae may wanna slow down just a -"
MacGregor stands up and throws the full glass of beer against a wall. "BUT YOU SHAG ONE SHEEP..."
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So those are a few of my favorite (kind of bad) jokes. What are some of yours?
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