irish humor
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to
his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it
in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance,
say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the
box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me,
Father, for I
have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be
forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze
seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of
your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and
his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open
and he said,
"You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had
never heard
him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few
minutes later his
eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it
was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
************************************************** ******************
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet
dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be
saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the
lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a
wonderful wife of
70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great
grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We
went to a
motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
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