new retirement plan
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental
areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who
represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of
their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This
review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of
Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been
SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This
appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be
SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above
procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for
Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum
Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans,
any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be
SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the
younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue
its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity
Training (****). We take pride in the amount of **** our employees
receive. We have given our employees more **** than any company in
this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on
the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially
trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand. And,
once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
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